posted
I know, I know, only one of these has ANYTHING remotely to do with the sign biz...
I just couldnt resist.
*****
A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago:
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us
sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach
lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and
none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking
water.
"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have
eaten or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes
the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."
*****
> Comprehending Engineers - Take One > Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where > did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was > walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman > rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her > clothes and said, 'Take what you want." The second engineer nodded approvingly, > "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit." > Comprehending Engineers - Take Two > To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is > half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. > Comprehending Engineers - Take Three > A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a > particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these > guys? We must have been waiting 15 minutes." The doctor chimed in, "I > don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here > comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." Dramatic pause "Hi > George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, > aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind > firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last > year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent > for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special > prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to > contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for > them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?" > Comprehending Engineers - Take Four > What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? > Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets. > Comprehending Engineers - Take five > Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible > designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just > look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. > The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last > said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste > pipeline through a recreational area?" > Comprehending Engineers - Take Six > Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers > believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet. > > ***** LITTLE KNOWN FACT
Our society spends more money annually on viagra and breast implants than it does on Altzimers Research. It has been predicted that in about 20 years there will be a bunch of people walking around with large breasts and erections that cannot remember what to do with them.
*****
Sign over a gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
On a Plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."
On the trucks of a local plumbing company: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."
Another Pizza shop slogan: "Buy our pizza. We knead the dough."
At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."
Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
At a drycleaners: "How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?"
At a towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."
At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
In a podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."
At a car dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
At the electric company: "We would be de-lighted if you pay your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."
In a restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up."
In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."
At a propane filling station: "Tank heaven for little grills."
***** A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."
The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air.You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
OK, that's enough of that. Get back to work.
-------------------- Jay Nichols ALPHABET SOUP
~the large print giveth and the small print taketh away~ Posts: 176 | From: SW Florida | Registered: Mar 2002
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-------------------- Jackson Smart Jackson's Signs Port Angeles, WA ...."The Straits of Juan De Fuca in my front yard and Olympic National Park in my backyard...
"Living on Earth is expensive...but it does include a free trip around the Sun" Posts: 1000 | From: Port Angeles, Washington | Registered: Jan 1999
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