As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty
hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said
all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they
say about Santa checking the list twice must be
true because every Christmas morning, although
Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor
pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I
put on sunglasses and went in search of an
inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things
atWal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore
downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store,
don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there
an hour saying things like, "What does this do?"
"You're kidding me!" "Who would buy that?"

Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.
I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that
could also substitute as a passenger in my truck
so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.
Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls
come in many different models. The top of the line,
according to the side of the box, could do
things I'd only seen in a book on animal
husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable Louise." She
was at the bottom of the price scale. To call
Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve, with the help of
an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My
sister-in-law was in on the plan
and let me in during the wee morning hours, long
after Santa had come and gone, I filled the
dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and
bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what
remained of glass of milk on a nearby tray. I
went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that
Santa had been to his house and left a present that
had made him VERY happy but had left the dog
confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then
come back and bark some more. We all agreed that
Louise should remain in her panty hose so the
rest of the family could admire her when they came
over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she
walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she
asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."
"Who would play with something like that?" Granny
snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept
my mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?" Granny
continued.

"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay
said, trying to steer her into the dining room. But
Granny was relentless."Why doesn't she have any
teeth?" Again, I could have answered, but why
would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride
in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on
Granny!

Hang on!" My grandfather, a delightful old man
with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said,
" Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?"
I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes
later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to
Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting.
It was then that we realized this might be
Grandpa's last Christmas at home. The dinner went
well. We made the usual small talk about who had
died, who was dying, and who should be killed,
when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded
a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning.

Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around
the room twice, and fell in aheap in front of
the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry
sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the
room, fell to his knees, and began administering
mouth to mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back
over his chair and wet his pants and Granny threw
down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat
in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and
remember. Later in my brother's garage, we
conducted a thorough examination to decided the
cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that
Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back
of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a
wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to
perfect health.

I miss this!