Subject: Southern Humor
For those who will retire in South.
HICKBONICS
The Association of Southern Schools has decided to pursue some of the
seemingly endless taxpayer dollars pipelined through Washington by
designating Southern slang, or Hickbonics," as a language to be taught in
all Southern schools. A speaker of this language would be a Hickophone. The
following are excerpts from the Hickbonics/English dictionary:
HEIDI - (noun) - Greeting.
HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting. Usage: Heidi, Hire
yew?"
BARD - (verb) - Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow." Usage: "My brother
bard my pickup truck."
JAWJUH - (noun) - The State north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner. Usage: "My
brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."
BAMMER - (noun) - The State west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayum.
Usage: "A tornader jes went through Bammer an' left 20,000,000 in
improvements."
MUNTS - (noun) - A calendar division. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard
my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts."
THANK - (verb) - Ability to cognitively process. Usage: "Ah thank ah'll
have a bare."
BARE - (noun) - An alcoholic beverage made of barley,hops, and yeast.
Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."
IGNERT - (adjective) - Not smart. See "Arkansas native." Usage: "Them
bammer boys sure are ignert!"
RANCH - (noun) - A tool used for tight'nin' bolts. Usage: "I thank I left
my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few
munts ago."
ALL - (noun) - A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage: "I sure hope my brother
from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."
FAR - (noun) - A conflagration. Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't
change the all in my pickup truck, that thing's gonna catch far."
TAR - (noun) - A rubber wheel. Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from
Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."
TIRE - (noun) - A tall monument. Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't
rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."
RETARD - (verb) - To stop working. Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."
FAT - (noun), (verb) - a battle or combat; to engage in battle or combat.
Usage: "You younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'm gonna whup y'uh."
RATS - (noun) - Entitled power or privilege. Usage: "We Southerners are
willin' to fat for are rats."
FARN - (adjective) - Not domestic. Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he
sed...must be from some farn country."
DID - (adjective) - Not alive. Usage: "He's did, Jim."
EAR - (noun) - A colourless, odourless gas: Oxygen. Usage: "He cain't
breathe...give 'im some ear!"
BOB WAR - (noun) - A sharp, twisted cable. Usage: "Boy, stay away from that
bob war fence."
JEW HERE - (noun) and (verb) contraction. Usage: "Jew here that my brother
from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?"
HAZE - a contraction. Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah...haze ignert. He ain't
thanked but a minnit'n 'is laf."
SEED - (verb) - past tense of "to see."
VIEW - contraction: (verb) and pronoun. Usage: "I ain't never seed New York
City... view?"
GUBMINT - (noun) - A bureaucratic institution. Usage: "Them gubmint boys
shore is ignert."
If you are from the northern states and planning on visiting or moving to
the South, there are a few things you should know that will help you adapt
to the difference in lifestyles:
The North has sun-dried toe-mah-toes,
The South has 'mater samiches.
The North has coffee houses,
The South has Waffle Houses.
The North has dating services,
The South has family reunions.
The North has switchblade knives,
The South has Lee Press-on Nails.
The North has double last names,
The South has double first names.
The North has Ted Kennedy,
The South has Jesse Helms.
The North has Cream of Wheat,
The South has grits.
The North has green salads,
The South has collard greens.
The North has lobsters,
The South has crawdads.
The North has the rust belt,
The South has the Bible Belt.
If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel
drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help
them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store....
Don't buy food at this store.
Remember, "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all y'all's" is
plural possessive.
Get used to hearing "You ain't from round here, are ya?"
Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't
understand you either.
The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's
vocabulary is the adjective "big'ol," as in "big'ol truck" or "big'ol
boy." Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way.
All of them are in denial about it.
The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
Be advised that "He needed killin" is a valid defense here.
If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," you should stay
out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.
If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest
accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store.
It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go
there.
When you come up on a person driving 15 mph down the middle of the road,
remember that most folks learn to drive on a John Deere, and that is the
proper speed and position for that vehicle.
Do not be surprised to find that 10-year-olds own their own shotguns, they
are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.
In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is
to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.
AND REMEMBER:
If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept
them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we
wouldn't call 'em biscuits.
Have a good day! Send this to four people that ain't related to you, and I
reckon your life will turn into a country music song fore you know it.
------------------
Michael Boone
Sign Painter
5828 Buerman Rd.Sodus,NY 14551
Ontime @localnet.com
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