Here's my favorite Parrot !!
Cleese: 'Ello I wish to register a complaint! 'Ello, miss.
Palin: What do you mean 'miss'?
Cleese: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
Palin: Sorry, we're closing for lunch.
Cleese: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this parrot what I purchased not 'alf an hour ago from this very boutique!
Palin: Oh yeah. The Norwegian Blue. What's wrong with it?
Cleese: I'll tell you what's wrong with it. It's dead, that's what's wrong with it.
Palin: No, no. It's resting. Look!
Cleese: Look, my lad, I know a dead parrot when I see one and I'm looking at one right now.
Palin: No, no, it's not dead. It's resting.
Cleese: Resting?
Palin: Yeah. Remarkable bird, the Norwegian Blue. Beautiful plumage, innit?.
Cleese: The plumage don't enter into it. It's stone dead.
Palin: No, no. It's resting.
Cleese: All right, then, if it's resting, I'll wake it up. Hello, Polly. I've got a nice cuttlefish for you when you wake up, Polly Parrot!
Palin: [Hits cage] There! It moved!
Cleese: No, it didn't. That was you pushing the cage.
Palin: I did not!
Cleese: Yes, you did. Hello Polly! POLLY! Polly parrot, wake up! POLLY! [Hits parrot on counter then throws it on the floor] Now, that's what I call a dead parrot!
Palin: No, no. It's stunned!
Cleese: Look, my lad, I've had just about enough of this. That parrot is definitely deceased. And when I bought it not 'alf an hour ago you assured me that it's lack of movement was due to it being tired and shagged out after a long squak.
Palin: It's probably pinin' for the fjords.
Cleese: Pinin' for the fjords? What kind of talk is that? Look, why did it fall flat on it's back the moment I got it home
Palin: The Norwegian Blue prefers kippin' on it's back. Beautiful bird. Lovely plumage.
Cleese: Look, I took the liberty of examining that parrot and I discovered that only reason that it had been sitting on it's perch in the first place was that it had been nailed there.
Palin: Well, of course it was nailed there. Otherwise it would 'ave muscled up to those bars and voom...
Cleese: Look matey, this parrot wouldn't VOOM if I put four thousand volts through it. It's bleedin' demised.
Palin: It's not. It's... it's pinin'.
Cleese: It's not pinin'. It's passed on. This parrot is no more. It has ceased to be. It's expired and gone to meet it's maker. This is a late parrot. It's a stiff. Bereft of life, it rests in peace. If you hadn't nailed it to the perch it would be pushing up the daisies. It's run down the curtain and joined the choir invisible. This is an ex-parrot!
Palin: Well, I better replace it then.
Cleese: If you want to get anything done in this country you've got to complain till you're blue in the mouth.
Palin: Sorry, guv. We're right out of parrots.
Cleese: I see, I see. I get the picture.
Palin: I've got a slug.
Cleese: Does it talk?
Palin: Not really, no.
Cleese: Well, it's scarcely a replacement then, is it?
Palin: Listen, I'll tell you what, tell you what. If you go to my brother's pet shop in Bolton he'll replace your parrot for you.
Cleese: Bolton, eh?
Palin: Yeah.
Cleese: Alright.
Caption: A similar pet shop in Bolton, Lancs.
[Same pet shop. Palin has a moustache on]
Cleese: [Looks around and sees his parrot cage] Eh, excuse me. This is Bolton, is it?
Palin: No, no. It's Ipswich.
Cleese: That's Intercity Rail for you.
[Train station. Complaints department]
Cleese: I wish to make a complaint.
Jones: I don't 'ave to do this, you know.
Cleese: [Looks around in surprise] I beg your pardon
Jones: I'm a qualified brain surgeon. I only do this 'cause I like being me own boss.
Cleese: Excuse me, this isn't relevant, is it?
Jones: No, it's not easy to .???. thirty minutes.
Cleese: Well, I wish to make a complaint. I got on the Bolton train and found myself deposited here, in Ipswich.
Jones: No, no. This is Bolton.
Cleese: The pet shop's owner's brother was lying.
Jones: Well, you can't blame British Rail for that. Hehe.
Cleese: If this is Bolton, I shall return to the pet shop.
Caption: A little later limited.
[Pet shop]
Cleese: I understand that this is Bolton.
Palin: Yeah.
Cleese: Well, You told me it was Ipswich.
Palin: It was a pun.
Cleese: A pun?
Palin: No, no, not a pun. No, what's the other thing where it reads the same backwards as forwards.
Cleese: A palindrome?
Palin: Yeah, yeah.
Cleese: That's not a palindrome. A palindrome of Bolton would be Notlob. It don't work
Palin: Look, what do you want?
Cleese: No, I'm sorry. I'm not prepared to pursue my line of enquiry any further as I think this is getting too silly.
[Enter Colonel]
Chapman: Quite agree, quite agree. Silly, silly, silly.
Right, get on with it. Get on with it!
------------------
Mike O'Neill
Trans-Labrador Signs
Labrador City, Labrador
'Durn vinyl won't stick to ice'
moneill@labrador-west.com
"The best things in life aren't things"
Art Buchwald
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