Sign in a pet shop:
Buy one dog, get one flea!Nobody is perfect...until you fall in love with them.
Home is where you can say anything you like...because nobody listens to you anyway.
I live in my own little world...but it's OK, they like me there.
I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it.
I said, "Thyroid problem?"
When you stop believing in Santa Claus... is when you start getting clothes for Christmas!
I don't do drugs anymore.
I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.
Sign in a Pet Store: "Buy one dog, regular price...get one flea."
Money can't buy happiness...but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
I don't have a big ego...I'm way too cool for that.
I got a sweater for Christmas...I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
If flying is so safe...
why do they call the airport the "terminal"?
I see your IQ test results were negative.
Regular naps prevent old age...
especially if you take them while driving.
When I was born...I was so surprised I couldn't talk for a year-and-a-half.
Sex is hereditary.
If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.
If God intended for man to use the metric system...
Jesus would have only 10 disciples!
I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.
The most precious thing we have is life.
Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
If life deals you lemons...make lemonade.
If it deals you tomatoes...make Bloody Marys.
Travel is very educational.
I can now say "Kaopectate" in seven different languages.
Women should not have children after 35.
Really...35 children are enough. </DIV>
After all is said and done...
usually more is said than done.
I am a nobody and nobody is perfect.
Therefore I am perfect
Everyday I beat my own previous record...
for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
No one ever says, "It's only a game..."
when their team is winning.
I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign:
"CHECKOUT TIME IS 18."
How come we choose from just two people for president...
and 50 for Miss America?
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer,cigarettes lottery tickets...are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
How long a minute is...
depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on
On my first day of school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery.
There I was...surrounded by trees and bushes.
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber...
NOT the toy.
Why is it that most nudists...
are people you don't want to see naked?
I earn a seven-figure salary.
Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved.
The next time you feel like complaining, remember:
Your garbage disposal probably eats better than...
60 percent of the people in this world.
Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
I am on a 30 day diet
So far I have lost 15 days
Hey, they say that laughter is the best medicine... any of you feeling slightly better now??? 
From Kookie! 
------------------
From Katie Wright, 16 year old professional signie wannabe from Aus.
"Life is a great big canvas, throw all the paint on it that you can"
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