posted
This is going round the web, but i found some funny ones. hope it gives you a chuckle. these would make fun promotional signs to give away (or to hang in the shop and be able to point to!)
THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY OUT LOUD AT WORK
1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of ****.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your cry baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, & disorder-my work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
40. Oh I get it... like humor... but different.
-------------------- :: Scooter Marriner :: :: Coyote Signs :: :: Oakland, CA :: :: still a beginner :: :: Posts: 1356 | From: Oakland (and San Francisco) | Registered: Mar 2001
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41. You want me to reproduce THAT?? 42. Don't let the door hit you in the a$$ on the way out! 43.If pigs could fly, they'd s*** on that layout! 44.I know, my competitor sent you to drive me crazy. 44.here's a hand grenade, go outside and pull the pin. 45. If I do this job for you, there will be a 500% pain in the a$$ surcharge.
-------------------- Si Allen #562 La Mirada, CA. USA
(714) 521-4810
si.allen on Skype
siallen@dslextreme.com
"SignPainters do It with Longer Strokes!"
Never mess with your profile while in a drunken stupor!!!
Brushasaurus on Chat Posts: 8831 | From: La Mirada, CA, USA | Registered: Nov 1998
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I LOVE those. I got them last week in my email and I've been trying to decide if they apply more to the guests (I work at a hotel) or my manager.
They're perfect for my evil twin...the sarcastic girl from Jersey.
-------------------- Kimberly Zanetti Purcell www.amethystProductivity.com Folsom, CA email: Kimberly@AmethystProductivity.com
“Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it is not all mixed up.” AA Milne Posts: 3722 | From: Folsom, CA | Registered: Dec 2001
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HAHA!!! Last week I was working on some vinyl install on a door....two girls come up and try to open the door to the salon next door....it was obviously closed (sign even said so) they looked puzzeled, and then asked me "Are they closed"?
I looked at them and asked "Is the door locked"?
They said "Yeah"
"Then they must be closed" As I went back to my work...
posted
and your(insert, wife, son, grandson, sisterinlaw etc)has been doing SIGNS AND ART WORK for how long?
-------------------- joe pribish-A SIGN MINT 2811 longleaf Dr. pensacola, fl 32526 850-637-1519 BEWARE THE TRUTH.....YOU MAY NOT LIKE WHAT YOU FIND Posts: 11582 | From: pensacola, fl. usa | Registered: Nov 1998
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hahahaa Adrienne, people don't read signs! Psssst, don't tell anybody or we will be out of business
How many times have you seen people struggling to open a door with prominent "Push" or "Pull" signs by the handle
But, when they do read signs beware! NEVER EVER put a "Wet Paint" sign up! 99 outa 100 people will touch the paint to see if it still is
Back to Scooters thread ... here's one I use on customers and raise a smile (good for business). "I suppose you needed this yesterday? Order it tomorrow and you can have it by 5pm this afternoon"
Or "It will be ready by Friday" then point to the calendar on the wall where the week is Saturday, Sunday and 5 Fridays and the dates run backwards
posted
Oh, I could say some nasty things to some folks.
"Hmm. Your computer has been teaching you how to design again, hasn't it?"
"Do you have a trained chimp, or did you pay a designer for that logo?
"What can you get for $20? You already spent that when I answered the phone!"
"No, this isn't free hand. YOUR hand, which can't paint for sh*t, would be free. Mine, which can, charges $65 an hour."
"Look. We both know you're an idiot. You don't have to prove it by continuing to talk."
"How much? Tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna charge you way too much and keep the money."
"You're right. My price is $200 higher. I was gonna buy a private jet, a new sports car and a villa in the south of France with that $200, but you obviously saw me coming."
"Why so much? Because I'm an addict. I **** away all my money on eating and living indoors."
"It only looks easy when I do it. When YOU do it, you look like the no-talent a**hole you really are."
"No, see, this is how it works. You have money. I have your sign. We trade those two things, everybody wins, and you don't get hurt."
"What part of PAY ME NOW don't you understand?"
"You can't draw a straight line with a ruler? Funny, you don't LOOK like a mongoloid."
"What an interesting design concept. Did you wipe your own *ss on it, or did you pay a "designer" to wipe it for you?"
-------------------- "A wise man concerns himself with the truth, not with what people believe." - Aristotle
Cam Bortz Finest Kind Signs Pondside Iron works 256 S. Broad St. Pawcatuck, Ct. 06379 "Award winning Signs since 1988" Posts: 3051 | From: Pawcatuck,Connecticut USA | Registered: Nov 1998
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For those of you who don't move your lips when you read, (hey, this sarcasm is fun!), read "A Confederacy of Dunces" by John Kennedy Toole. The main character spends a good amount of time dispensing abrasive insults and crticism. In one scene, he suggests to members of a "ladies' art guild" that is having an outdoor show of bad, amateur-looking paintings, that "had (they) any part in the decoration of the Sistine Chapel, it would have ended up looking like a particularly vulgar train terminal...You women should be on your knees begging forgiveness for what I have seen here..."
A pulitzer prize winner, & soon to be a movie with Will Ferrell.
posted
do you see f&*kin FDIC on my forehead? will that be cash or cash? you are beginning to make my a$$ itch..now be gone with you! today? sure let me just pull that banner right out of my a$$!
oh wait...things i'd like to say to customers?...i thought it was things i do say to customers....nevermind
-------------------- Karyn Bush Simply Not Ordinary, LLC Bartlett, NH 603-383-9955 www.snosigns.com info@snosigns.com Posts: 3516 | From: Bartlett, NH USA | Registered: Jan 2001
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I'm with Karen, Devo decided some years ago that since I didn't play nice with the other children anymore I would be moved as far away from them as possible... good plan
Things I DO SAY to customers are;
'my time is your money... how much do you want to waste?'
In my professional opinion (sarcasm driping off the big word)
(when told they can get it cheaper up the road) 'Great then, so we're done? see ya'
'My price is my price, will there be anything else?'
'Sorry I flatly refuse to make signs that won't work'
(when they blow up about how little time it took to do their job for the $'s) customer...'but it only took you 10 mins!' me...'actually it took me 25 yrs and 10 mins!'
when they want to watch me do their job and talk total rubbish incessently while they get in my way, interupting my day with smart remarks and what they think is clever ways of reminding me that I cost too much.
I waffel on about my favorite subject... customers! since most of ours are business people themselves they think I am being nice when I tell them,
'I've come to understand that all customers are not evil, they have the same oportunities as we all do, they can choose to be honourable human beings, respectful and mannered or total a$$holes who's main objective is to rip off, insult and basically demean anyone who stands to make any money at all from fulfiling the requirements they themselves have set. I beleive it is ignorance that drives those sorts of peple to act this way, and you know the most frustrating thing about that?
(at which point I look them straight in the eye and say)
There is a cure for that nowdays!
then I touch nothing, no movement at all, no sound... it usually takes about 3 seconds for them to understand... you can see it reflected on their faces and then they get up, usually mumbling something about going for a walk or to talk to Devo, and they leave me the hell alone!
cheers gail
-------------------- Gail & Dave Hervey Bay Qld Australia
gail@roadwarriorproducts.com.au
sumtimes ya just gota! Posts: 794 | From: 552 O'Regans Creek Rd Toogoom Qld 4655 Australia | Registered: Nov 1998
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Ethics..."The customer is always right, no matter how far his head is up his a**!"
Overzealous haggler..."Next time you should take me to dinner before you try to f*** me. Bye."
Artwork supplied by "Aunt Gertie"..."Sorry, I can't do it exactly like that. I can't suck that much to properly copy it."
Payment plan..."No, you cannot gladly pay me Tuesday for a signburger today, Wimpy. Do I look like Chase-Manhatten to you?"
Sponsorship of a race car..."Sure you can be my "house car", carpenter-who-races-a-street-stock-on-a-dirt-track-in-the-middle-of-east-bum-blast-on-Saturday-nights. Here's the balance of my mortgage. You gonna buy my house for me or build a new one?"
Same racing guy..."We wanna win the car show!" Me: "No problem. Gimme enough money to bribe the judges and you got it! Spray paint it for all I give a sh!t."
Customer: "Can you do it for less?" Me: "Sure, but I'd get a better check from unemployment, so why bother doing your sign when I plunk my ass on my couch, play Nintendo and make more money doing that."
Customer: "I really like your work and if you give me a deal, I can get you lots more work, and you can make money on the next guy." Me: "You've seen my past work? Congratulations, chuckwheat. You're the next guy!"
Customer: "I'll call when your not busy and get it done then." Me: "Right. I'll be sure to refuse all other work and sit by the phone waiting for you to grace me with your call. I started this business just for you."
I love my job, I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.....
Rapid
-------------------- Ray Rheaume Rapidfire Design 543 Brushwood Road North Haverhill, NH 03774 rapidfiredesign@hotmail.com 603-787-6803
I like my paint shaken, not stirred. Posts: 5648 | From: North Haverhill, New Hampshire | Registered: Apr 2003
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My favorite... "YOUR LYIN' AND THAT'S THE TRUTH"
CrazyJack
-------------------- Jack Wills Studio Design Works 1465 E.Hidalgo Circle Nye Beach / Newport, OR Posts: 2914 | From: Rocklin, CA. USA | Registered: Dec 1998
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i can go to bed broke or i can go to bed hungry but i ain't gonna go to bed broke and hungry.
-------------------- Jimmy Chatham Chatham Signs 468 stark st Commerce, Ga 30529 Posts: 1766 | From: Commerce, GA, USA | Registered: Nov 1998
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Customer: " Your price is $ XX.xx more than Joe Wino Signs quoted me. Why is that?"
Me: " Well, my competitors are far more qualified than I am to tell you what their work is worth."
[ October 23, 2003, 01:49 PM: Message edited by: Ken Henry ]
-------------------- Ken Henry Henry & Henry Signs London, Ontario Canada (519) 439-1881 e-mail: kjmlhenry@rogers.com
Why do I get all those on-line offers to sell me Viagara, when the only thing hardening is my arteries ? Posts: 2684 | From: London,Ontario, Canada | Registered: Feb 1999
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In the Warm-Bodies School of Management the customers call up and cuss. To stall and repel them, the line that we tell them is "That isn't handled by us."
-------------------- Bruce Williams Lexington KY Posts: 945 | From: Lexington, KY, USA | Registered: Mar 1999
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