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Even those who aren't cat fans will understand this!
Rules Cats Live By
Bathrooms:
Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.
Doors:
Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get door open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow or mosquito season.
Chairs and rugs:
If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so it is as long as a human's bare foot.
Hampering:
If one of your humans is engaged in some activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping" -- otherwise known as "hampering." Rules for hampering: 1) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted; 2) for book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself; 3) for paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work as possible or at least, pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or pen; 4) for people paying bills or working on income taxes or holiday cards, keep in mind the aim: to hamper!; 5) when a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper; 6) when a human is working at the computer, jump up on desk, walk across keyboard, bat at mouse pointer on screen and lay in human's lap across arms, hampering typing in progress.
Walking:
As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.
Bedtime:
Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move around.
Litter Box:
When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their toes.
Hiding: Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you. Do not come out for three to four hours under any circumstances. This will cause the humans to panic, thinking you have run away or are lost. Once you do come out, you will probably get a treat.
One last thought: Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially his/her face, turn around, and present your butt. Don't forget guests.
-------------------- Si Allen #562 La Mirada, CA. USA
(714) 521-4810
si.allen on Skype
siallen@dslextreme.com
"SignPainters do It with Longer Strokes!"
Never mess with your profile while in a drunken stupor!!!
Brushasaurus on Chat Posts: 8831 | From: La Mirada, CA, USA | Registered: Nov 1998
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Once (few years ago 4-5) adopted a cat for my (then)4-5 year old daughter from vet ... nice cat girl loved it ... after about a week the cat would hide for long periods ... then noticed a lump on it's back ... took back to vet (with concerened 5 year old ... vet touched the lump and the damn thing expoloded ... all over the walls / us / everything about a week an 300 bucks later got back the exploding cat without any skin on it's back ... took off a couple months later to never be seen again so rule #whatever don't trust exploding cats
have 2 now that don't explode ... but they punt well when getting in front of feet when walking
-------------------- Compulsive, Neurotic, Anti-social and Paranoid ... but basically Happy Posts: 2677 | From: Rochester, NY, USA | Registered: Nov 1998
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Currently I have four cats... one outside cat and three sissies that live indoors. Love them all, but like any good blonde joke I love a good cat joke even better!
How do you give a cat a bath?
Hold the lid down, flush three times, and then RUN!
That joke never gets old! LOL
The sleeps with the bedroom door LOCKED side of the Moon
heh heh heh
-------------------- The Moon aka: Stefenie Harris Moonlight Designs Pollock Pines, CA learnin' somethin' new every day! stefenie@comcast.net Posts: 550 | From: Pollock Pines, CA, USA | Registered: Nov 1998
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I had one of them exploding cats once - rubbed the bump on ME until it went off right in my face. Wow! I don't know what's in those piñata cats but it smells and tastes awful. She stayed around for another 18 years, though, after letting off the steam. Peroxide works at Mike's Cat House, better than a $300.00 vet bill. The tuxedo cat I have now likes to sing opera whilst riding in the truck.
Posts: 1859 | From: / | Registered: Nov 1998
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'Yall are talking about one of those nasty old puss pockets that they get whenever they get stuck or bit by something, usually another cat. Man we have like 23 outside cats and 3 inside cats (had 4 inside but one died of a tumor around it's heart the other day) and we have seen several of those exploding nasty suckers. When it happens, you think that the cat sure enough isn't gonna make it and you usually puke a little too. Makes for a real big mess to clean up. Argghhhhhhh!
-------------------- John Thompson JTT Graphics "The big guy with a little sign shop!" Royston/Hartwell Georgia jtt101@hotmail.com Posts: 626 | From: Royston Georgia | Registered: Feb 2002
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