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ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
-------------------- Wayne Webb Webb Signworks Chipley, FL 850.638.9329 wayne@webbsignworks.com Posts: 7403 | From: Chipley,Florida,United States | Registered: Oct 1999
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All golfers should live so long as to be this kind of old man!
Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" All held up their hands, except one man, Walter Barnes, who attended church only when the weather was bad. "Mr. Barnes, it's obviously not a good morning for golf. It's good to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any," he replied gruffly. "Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?" "Ninety-eight," he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands. "Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?" The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply, "I've outlived all them a**holes" - as he calmly returned to return to his seat.
-------------------- Jane Diaz Diaz Sign Art 628 W. Lincoln Ave. Pontiac, Il. 61764 815-844-7024 www.diazsignart.com Posts: 4102 | From: Pontiac, IL USA | Registered: Feb 1999
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Two UP'ers walk into a pet shop near Marquette Mi. They head to the bird section and Sven says to Ole, "Dat's dem." The owner comes over and asks if he can help them."Yah sure, ve'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere." says Sven. (Budgies are commonly referred to as parakeets but the word parakeet actually describes any small parrot-like bird with a long tail.) The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Ole and Sven pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Sven's pick-up and drive to the top of some big cliffs near Two Harbors. At the cliffs, Sven looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Ole watches as Sven falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself dead. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Ole shakes his head and says, "By yumpin' yiminy, dis budgie jumping is too dangerous for me."
VAIT!!! Dere's MORE!
Moments later Knute who's been to the pet shop too, arrives at the cliffs. He walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag and a shotgun. "Hey, Ole. Vatch dis." Knute says. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff. Ole watches as half way down, Knute takes the gun, shoots the parrot, and continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. Ole shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either."
BUT VAIT!!! Dere's MORE, you betcha!!
Ole is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Lars appears. He's also been to the pet shop, is carrying a paper bag, and pulls out a chicken. Lars grasps the chicken by the legs, holds it over his head, and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down and hits a rock and lays there lifeless. Once more Ole shakes his head.... "First der was Sven with his budgie jumping, den Knute parrotshooting and now Lars hengliding....."
You may shoot me now!
-------------------- Jane Diaz Diaz Sign Art 628 W. Lincoln Ave. Pontiac, Il. 61764 815-844-7024 www.diazsignart.com Posts: 4102 | From: Pontiac, IL USA | Registered: Feb 1999
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What did the Snail say while riding on the Turtles back.......
Wheeeeeeeeee, this is fun.
-------------------- Kevin Betz KB Sign Company 21321 Ulrich Clinton Township, MI 48036 kbsigncompany@att.net Posts: 229 | From: Detroit, MI | Registered: Sep 2003
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A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" she asked. "Hunting Flies," he responded. "Oh. Killing any?" she asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 females," he replied. Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?" He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.
-------------------- Debra Carr Sign Crafters 502 S. Main Street Hendersonville, NC 28791 Posts: 82 | From: Hendersonville, NC | Registered: Nov 2006
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I was walking past the mental hospital the other day,and all the patients were shouting ,'13....13....13' The fence was too high to see over,but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on. Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick. Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'.
-------------------- Jane Diaz Diaz Sign Art 628 W. Lincoln Ave. Pontiac, Il. 61764 815-844-7024 www.diazsignart.com Posts: 4102 | From: Pontiac, IL USA | Registered: Feb 1999
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The eighty-three year old lady finished her annual physical examination, the doctor said, "You are in fine shape for your age, Mrs. Green, but tell me, do you still have intercourse?"
"Just a minute, I'll have to ask my husband, “she said.
She stepped out into the crowded reception room and yelled out loud: "Bob, do we still have intercourse?"
There was a complete hush - you could have heard a pin drop.
Bob answered impatiently, "If I told you once, Irma, I've told you a hundred times...What we have is .......
Blue Cross!"
-------------------- Si Allen #562 La Mirada, CA. USA
(714) 521-4810
si.allen on Skype
siallen@dslextreme.com
"SignPainters do It with Longer Strokes!"
Never mess with your profile while in a drunken stupor!!!
Brushasaurus on Chat Posts: 8827 | From: La Mirada, CA, USA | Registered: Nov 1998
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A grasshopper walks into a bar and asks for a beer. As the bartender pours a cold one from the tapper, he comments, "Hey, we've got a drink named after you!" The grasshopper replies, "You've got a drink named 'John'?"
-------------------- Keith Jenicek Artisan Signs St. Louis, MO
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Duck walks into a bar. "I need a drink!" bartender says, "We don't serve ducks. Get outta here."
Duck leaves and comes back the next day. "I need a drink" Bartender says, "I told you yesterday that we do not serve ducks. Come in here again and I will nail your bill to the bar!'
Duck leaves. Duck comes back the next day and says, "Hey bartender, got any nails?" Bartender says, "No. Why" Duck says "Well then how bout a drink?"
-------------------- Preston McCall 112 Rim Road Santa Fe, New Mexico 87501 text: 5056607370 Posts: 1552 | From: Santa Fe, New Mexico | Registered: Nov 1998
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Duck walks into a pharmacy and asks the druggist if he has condoms. "Yeah. We got them. Want me to put them on your bill?" "What kind of duck do you think I am?
-------------------- Preston McCall 112 Rim Road Santa Fe, New Mexico 87501 text: 5056607370 Posts: 1552 | From: Santa Fe, New Mexico | Registered: Nov 1998
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Santa Claus is walking in the woods one day and looks across a river to see Sarah Palin sunbathing nude on a chaise lounge on the other side. He yells out, "Hey. How do I get to the other side? She yells back, "You already are!"
-------------------- Preston McCall 112 Rim Road Santa Fe, New Mexico 87501 text: 5056607370 Posts: 1552 | From: Santa Fe, New Mexico | Registered: Nov 1998
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Newt Gingrich walks up to a Coke machine to get a soft drink. In front of the machine is Sarah Palin dropping in quarters, giggling and getting Cokes out the shoot. After several more, he asks her whatever is she doing. "duh, winning!"
-------------------- Preston McCall 112 Rim Road Santa Fe, New Mexico 87501 text: 5056607370 Posts: 1552 | From: Santa Fe, New Mexico | Registered: Nov 1998
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Preston, Bill makes that "A duck walks into a bar... into a joke that last at LEAST 5 minutes!!
-------------------- Jane Diaz Diaz Sign Art 628 W. Lincoln Ave. Pontiac, Il. 61764 815-844-7024 www.diazsignart.com Posts: 4102 | From: Pontiac, IL USA | Registered: Feb 1999
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What is yoopers or UP'ers? I think they're Scandinavians, but where did the name come from?
-------------------- dennis kiernan independent artist san francisco, calif, usa Posts: 907 | From: san francisco, ca usa | Registered: Feb 2010
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Upper peninsula of Michigan, I figure... from out here on the lonesome prairie, where the deer and the antelope roam.
-------------------- Preston McCall 112 Rim Road Santa Fe, New Mexico 87501 text: 5056607370 Posts: 1552 | From: Santa Fe, New Mexico | Registered: Nov 1998
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Dennis, derived from Upper Michigan which is the Upper Peninsula = U.P. = Yoo P which morphed into Yoopers. Lots of Finns and Sweeds up here results in lots of Toivo and Eino Jokes. Also lots of Italians for what reason I don't know.
Some typical Toivo and Eino jokes.
Toivo and Eino were fireman. After a fire in a downtown building was finally out, the chief did a head count and there were 2 firemen missing. They soon realized it was Toivo and Eino. The chief ordered everyone back in the building to find them. The search went floor by floor with no results until finally on the roof, there they were having sex. The chief yelled out to Toivo... what the hell are you doing? Toivo said that Eino was overcome by smoke and passed out. The chief said haven't you been trained in mouth to mouth? Toivo said, what do you think got this started?
Toivo and Eino walking down the street saw a dog in a doorway licking his privates. Eino says, boy I wish I could do that. Toivo says, I think you should try petting him first.
BTW, the U.P. is 16,542 square miles, roughly 1/3 the total land mass of Michigan, yet the U.P. has a population of 300,000 out of Michigan's 9 million. The largest city is Marquette, about 25,000 people. The wild blueberries are awesome, our russet potatoes are the best in the country, but unfortunately the volume isn't enough for them to be noticed. Our fall color is equal to anywhere in the US with a great mixture of maple, oak, sumac, and pines. Hard wood maple flooring and maple syrup are also big up here.
[ September 24, 2011, 03:29 PM: Message edited by: Dave Sherby ]
-------------------- Dave Sherby "Sandman" SherWood Sign & Graphic Design Crystal Falls, MI 49920 906-875-6201 sherwoodsign@sbcglobal.net Posts: 5396 | From: Crystal Falls, MI USA | Registered: Apr 1999
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OK. Last one. Sven and Otis were laid off at the factory and went to get unemployment checks. Sven goes in first, tells the man that he is a sewing machine operator and sews in the elastic strip on the ladie's panties. He came out with a normal check and was OK with that.
Otis goes in and tells the man he is a 'DIESEL FITTER'. He gets a much bigger check. Sven was very upset and the two go back in to inquire why the big difference. The man looked perterbed, but listened.
"I do not undeerstant. I operate der sewing machine and get thees check and Otis comes in and gets a much bigger one. All he does is puts the panties on his head and says, "Dees will fit her!"
-------------------- Preston McCall 112 Rim Road Santa Fe, New Mexico 87501 text: 5056607370 Posts: 1552 | From: Santa Fe, New Mexico | Registered: Nov 1998
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