posted
A young boy goes off to college, but half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here at U of I that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!' 'That's amazing,' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?' 'Just send him down here with $1,000' the young boy says. 'I'll get him in the course.' So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.
About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. 'So how's Ol' Blue doing son?' his father asks. 'Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm,' he says, 'but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!' 'Read!' says his father, 'No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?' Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class.
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. 'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!' 'Dad,' the boy says, 'I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol ' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing' around with that little redhead who lives in town?' The father exclaimed, 'I hope you shot that no good lying son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!' 'I sure did, Dad!' 'That's my boy!'
The kid went on to be a successful lawyer ...... And . . . .then he went on to become Illinois governor.
-------------------- Jane Diaz Diaz Sign Art 628 W. Lincoln Ave. Pontiac, Il. 61764 815-844-7024 www.diazsignart.com Posts: 4102 | From: Pontiac, IL USA | Registered: Feb 1999
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It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with big gift certificate envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine imported cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At each of the houses along his route, he was met with congratulations, farewells, cards, and gifts of all types and values.
At the final house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful young blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him) and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where they had a most passionate liaison.
Afterwards, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. '...All this was just too wonderful for words,' he said, .......but what's the dollar for?' 'Well,' she said, 'last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day...and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you?' He said, "...Screw him ........give him a dollar." The blonde then blushed and said, '....But the breakfast was my idea.'
[ January 05, 2009, 04:50 PM: Message edited by: Jane Diaz ]
-------------------- Jane Diaz Diaz Sign Art 628 W. Lincoln Ave. Pontiac, Il. 61764 815-844-7024 www.diazsignart.com Posts: 4102 | From: Pontiac, IL USA | Registered: Feb 1999
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posted
A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when his wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.
It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it home with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"
He replies, "OK it's nearly Christmas, get in the car with it."
She asks, "Where will I put it to get it warm?"
He says, "Put it between your legs. It's nice and warm there."
"But what about the smell?" She asks.
He slips, "Just hold its nose!"
The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.
-------------------- Si Allen #562 La Mirada, CA. USA
(714) 521-4810
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siallen@dslextreme.com
"SignPainters do It with Longer Strokes!"
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Brushasaurus on Chat Posts: 8827 | From: La Mirada, CA, USA | Registered: Nov 1998
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posted
Similar to Si's....................... On a very cold night a couple had a flat tire. The man got out and went to work on changing the tire. He got back in the car shortly and asked if he could warm his hands as he had no gloves. She said he could and he could put his hands between her legs. He did this a few more times and finally she got fed up with it and said, "Don't your ears ever get cold?"
-------------------- Dana Blair Blair Signs Wooster, OH www.blairsigns.com
If sign makers go on strike, is there anything written on their picket signs? Posts: 835 | From: Wooster, OH, USA | Registered: Jul 1999
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