posted
I called my Dr. to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, he showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through New Orelans.
Then Dr. explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 7,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
I left the office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.
Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one quart plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. Then you have to drink the whole jug. At first it seems that a quart of water is easy. But as you go that quart soon turns into 33 gallons. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes and here I am being kind like a mixture of motor oil and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground. MoviPrep is a nuclear powered laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. You will wish the hopper had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spewing violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. In fact during the pre op interview I mentioned i needed another rest room break. The nurse smiled knowingly and said,, ITs allowed.. I was thinking, 'What if I spew on Dr. How do you apologize to a doctor for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.
Then the Hot looking Amelia put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Amelia was very good, and I was already lying down. She told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.
When everything was ready, they wheeled me into the procedure room, where Dr. was waiting with a nurse and Amelia the anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Dr. had it stashed there somewhere. I was barely nervous at this point. All the meds had taken its hold. Dr. had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by Abba. I remarked to Dr. that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' has to be the least appropriate. 'You want me to turn it up?' he asked, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than decade.
If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, Abba was shrieking 'Dancing Queen! Feel the beat from the tambourine ...'.. and the next moment, I was back in the my room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
Dr. was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Dr. told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
-------------------- Leaper of Tall buildings.. If you find my posts divisive or otherwise snarky please ignore them. If you do not know how then PM me about it and I will demonstrate. Posts: 5274 | From: Im a nowhere man | Registered: Jul 2001
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posted
now you need to have it done to youre bladder, there its not the 7,000 ft of LENGTH, but the DIAMETER of the hose)))))
-------------------- joe pribish-A SIGN MINT 2811 longleaf Dr. pensacola, fl 32526 850-637-1519 BEWARE THE TRUTH.....YOU MAY NOT LIKE WHAT YOU FIND Posts: 11582 | From: pensacola, fl. usa | Registered: Nov 1998
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posted
I've had three of them, I go for the drugs LOL actually I had one colonoscopy and two surgeries they all three take the same prep. Bill
-------------------- Bill & Barbara Biggs Art's Sign Service, Inc. Clute, Texas, USA Home of The Great Texas Mosquito Festival Proud 10 year Supporter of the Letterheads Website www.artssigns.com "MrBill-" on the chat page MailTo:biggsbb@sbcglobal.net Posts: 1020 | From: Lake Jackson,Tx | Registered: Nov 1998
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posted
Curtis your writing is great. I needed a good laugh this morning and you certainly provided it. I myself have been through the same procedure although the medical profession were even more sadistic.
I was referred for a colonoscopy after spending 3 days passing blood and evacuating everything i had ever eaten in my entire life. I was then given the truly nasty drink and told not to eat anything for 2 days besides broth. Excuse me, I had already not eaten for three days, had spent 3 days in the bathroom and they were now advising me to spend 2 days doing the same thing voluntarily!!!
I should have asked for anti-depressants!!
The actual procedure I did the same as you and slept through the whole thing. I have spoken to people who have remained partly awake for it and you don't want to hear their stories just in case you have to have another procedure in the future.
I would say to anyone that the pre-procedure treatment is by far the worst thing.
Glad you have passed your manhood test, may you never have to go through it again!
-------------------- Anne McDonald 17 Karnak Crescent Russley Christchurch 8042 New Zealand
"I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure" Posts: 877 | From: Christchurch | Registered: Sep 2006
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Curtis--You actually made me weep. I don't remember the last time I cried when laughing...wait, yes I do --when you wrote that one about ME.
But I digress.
In any event, I empathize. I have been down the same road, just not lucky enough to stay completely knocked out....there's something about COMPRESSED AIR travelling THE WRONG WAY up your BOWEL, that has a way of negating the anesthesia. Once groggily awake I felt like I was in the middle of a kind of porn that was just WRONG on too many levels to count, and between the pain, the vague, drug hazy embarr-assment (literally, think about it)and the funkadelic view of my innards on a color tv right in front of me, I willed myself back into unconsciousness.
Speaking of air....where's the post procedure flatulence commentary? Heheh
[ June 22, 2008, 08:14 PM: Message edited by: Barry Branscum ]
posted
I'm going to assume that in the next 8 years before I need one that someone will come up with a better method.
-------------------- Kimberly Zanetti Purcell www.amethystProductivity.com Folsom, CA email: Kimberly@AmethystProductivity.com
“Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it is not all mixed up.” AA Milne Posts: 3722 | From: Folsom, CA | Registered: Dec 2001
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posted
I am glad you didn't post this story a week ago! I might of skipped out on my appointment with the longest camera cord in the world last Tuesday. Your description of the preparation is dead on except here the vile drink has a hint of orange.
My doctor had a sick sense of humor. At the end of the procedure consultation a couple of months ago we parted with him saying "I will be seeing more of you soon".
One small advantage in Ontario is the procedure is covered by the government. Only cost is for the vile drink. It is more expensive oil, urnial cleaner or Canadian whiskey! There must be something else in it.
Good news is I got a score of 0. In Ontario that means they "guarantee" you will not get colon cancer for 10 years.
-------------------- Chuck Churchill, It's A Good Sign Inc. 3245 Harvester Rd, U-12 Burlington, Ont. Phone: 905-681-8775 Fax: 905-681-8945 Posts: 633 | From: Burlington, Ontario, Canada | Registered: Nov 1998
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Your description is exactly why I've been putting it off. I know I can't keep doing this and will bite the bullet and drink the drink one of these days.
Not to make you feel worse, but someone told me they were given a new liquid for the evacuation procedure that is only like a half pint and didn't taste as bad. Keeping my fingers crossed that it is true.
-------------------- Dave Sherby "Sandman" SherWood Sign & Graphic Design Crystal Falls, MI 49920 906-875-6201 sherwoodsign@sbcglobal.net Posts: 5397 | From: Crystal Falls, MI USA | Registered: Apr 1999
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the VA HEALTH CARE has another process they do for this. instead of doin what curt had, the VA gives us a smear card called COLOSCAN bout every 6 months.then if you show some symtoms then they do the colonostopy. ask youre doctor if they can do them.
[ June 23, 2008, 12:21 AM: Message edited by: old paint ]
-------------------- joe pribish-A SIGN MINT 2811 longleaf Dr. pensacola, fl 32526 850-637-1519 BEWARE THE TRUTH.....YOU MAY NOT LIKE WHAT YOU FIND Posts: 11582 | From: pensacola, fl. usa | Registered: Nov 1998
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Man, that does not sound like fun. I pray to my Lord and Savior Jesus, that I never have to have this done. Who knows what they'd find,,old keys, loose change, a few un-cashed checks, Jimmy Hoffa parts.
-------------------- Signs by Alicia Jennings (Mudflap Girl) Tacoma, WA Since 1987 Have Lipstick, will travel. Posts: 3816 | From: Tacoma, WA. U.S.A. | Registered: Dec 1999
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I found that the VA required a much more extensive cleansing that was a three day process and preceding that I was not to eat anything with seeds for two weeks. Seems the local hospital does a much more abbreviated exam also.
When in the VA hospital there is not the privilege of a private room for recovery, but I found myself on this rolling bed in a line with five or six others that just encountered the procedure. When I asked the nurse when I could leave she explained that before they could start the release papers I needed to pass gas. My thinking was just getting clear enough to understand that there was no food in there, so trying real hard to get the air out wasn't scary. But can you imagine six guys laying in a row trying to fart with all they have so they can go home? It was a funny moment when I told the nurse that I did it and was scared that she might not believe me.
Later that day on our five hour drive home we stopped to do some shopping at Costco. While walking down the isle there all the air decided to escape. No one was close enough to hear it and they were without smell, but we were laughing so hard I thought we might get arrested.
I don't think anyone looks forward to the next one.
-------------------- The SignShop Mendocino, California
Making the simple complicated is commonplace; making the complicated simple, awesomely simple, that's creativity. — Charles Mingus Posts: 6718 | From: Mendocino, CA. USA | Registered: Nov 1998
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Curtis, that was brilliant, I nearly wet myself. Only those who have been through the procedure would understand and then find all you said as funny.
-------------------- Paul Jordan Jordan Signs http://jordansigns.com.au paul@jordansigns.com.au Australia "We don't stop playing because we get old, we get old because we stop playing" George Bernard Shaw, I think. Posts: 166 | From: Caringbah, N.S.W., Australia | Registered: Nov 1999
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Brilliant writing! Only time in my life I was guarenteed to not be "full of..."!
-------------------- Catharine C. Kennedy CCK Graphics 1511 Route 28 Chatham Center, NY 12184 cck1620@taconic.net "Look at me, Look at me, Look at me now! I't's fun to have fun, But you have to know how!" Posts: 2173 | From: downtown Chatham Center, NY | Registered: Feb 2004
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it may have tasted bad butt i bet it beats the 'take it home and do it yourself self administered rear entry brain washing kit' and they didn't evem try to put me to sleep, got to see the whole (hole?) crappy t.v. show
-------------------- Pete Payne Willowlake Design/Canadian Signcrafters Bayfield, ON
posted
rick, i have bladder cancer surguries at the VA hospital, and after they take out the catheter in post-op, the only way they will let me go home is to have a nurse watch me pee on my own, did i say i have no modest anymore????
-------------------- joe pribish-A SIGN MINT 2811 longleaf Dr. pensacola, fl 32526 850-637-1519 BEWARE THE TRUTH.....YOU MAY NOT LIKE WHAT YOU FIND Posts: 11582 | From: pensacola, fl. usa | Registered: Nov 1998
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I couldn't help overhearing... pee on your own what?
-------------------- Frank Smith Frank Smith Signs Albany, NY www.franksmithsigns.com Posts: 807 | From: Albany, NY USA | Registered: Nov 1998
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Making the simple complicated is commonplace; making the complicated simple, awesomely simple, that's creativity. — Charles Mingus Posts: 6718 | From: Mendocino, CA. USA | Registered: Nov 1998
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Great story Curtis, however. . . you didn't sleep through the whole thing. you were quite conscious and aware of the entire procedure! the good news is . . . the drug that they gave you erases all of your memory of it. It's true I've had this procedure twice and my doctor is also one of my best friends (you have to be close to let him do that) and he explained to me how it works. The sedative doesn't knock you out because they need your cooperation during the procedure. the first time I had it done was in his exam room. the only prep was an enema and no sedative of any kind. don't want to do that again!
Loved the story, it was dead on!
-------------------- Dan E. Kearfott KEARFOTT GRAPHIX 312 W. 8th St. Gibson City, IL 60936
Success comes in "Cans", Failure comes in "Cant's" Posts: 121 | From: Gibson City, Illinois | Registered: Mar 2003
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My first on was done by a female doctor who was the spitting image of Grace Jones. She was assited by a young female Oriental intern. Another female nurse was at my side. I got to look at my insides on a TV screen. The most bizarre experience in my life. Oh, and the young intern pulled the dang thing out too soon. After all that squirming, Grace tells her "you have to put it back in" I'm sure somebody into anal sex would really dig this sort of thing...unfortunately I'm not one of them.
-------------------- George Perkins Millington,TN. goatwell@bigriver.net
"I started out with nothing and still have most of it left"
posted
i didn't write this. Tried to link to the work, But it didn't work, Now i find that the site with the original does not allow live links.
-------------------- Leaper of Tall buildings.. If you find my posts divisive or otherwise snarky please ignore them. If you do not know how then PM me about it and I will demonstrate. Posts: 5274 | From: Im a nowhere man | Registered: Jul 2001
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It was written by Dave Barry. He is hilarious! Someone got Bill his book about turning 50. You have to put it down and take a break from laughing!
-------------------- Jane Diaz Diaz Sign Art 628 W. Lincoln Ave. Pontiac, Il. 61764 815-844-7024 www.diazsignart.com Posts: 4102 | From: Pontiac, IL USA | Registered: Feb 1999
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