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Hi guys. When Tonia was taking Brian to school this AM, the Buzz was playing the "clean" radio version of Kid Rock's So Hot. Brian asked what stoned meant. She told him stoned meant someone that taken too many drugs, & that it was very bad, but she told him she hadn't really paid attention to the song.
We as parents try to show him that drugs & stuff are bad, but we all know the coolest songs & shows promote its use.
Brian is now 11 & I know I can't hide stuff from him, but what would be a tactful way to approach situations like this? I mean, its everywhere... radio, TV... I myself have the song on my computer, & its not the clean version.
Man I've been dreading the teenage years...
Any advice?
Thanks always, Felix
-------------------- Felix Marcano PuertoRicoSigns.Com Luquillo, PR
Work hard, party like a tourist! Posts: 2274 | From: Luquillo, Puerto Rico, USA | Registered: Nov 2000
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We have a daughter that is 20. It's that transition period in to the teenage years that was pretty shaky. We didn't tell her drugs and alcohol we're bad as such, we just educated her why people take them and the results of their use. She pretty much decided for herself if they were bad - I think this way drugs and alcohol became less the forbidden fruit.
I breathed a sigh of relief when she finished her teenage years, but the transition from a teenager to an adult is another thing. ..something to look forward to
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The truth works... "Well stoned can mean someone who is under the influence of alchol or drugs or both. Some people think it's cool but for many people it has ruined their lives. It can also get you killed, remember those two kids that died in the car crash last month?They were stoned now they're dead.(there's at least one a month around here). It can also get you arrested and in jail. And remember it is completely against our family rules while you're living home. So just because someone thinks it's cool to sing about it remeber what the reality is. And remeber no matter what I love you. " My girls are still a little young to ask but I'm getting ready.
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You just have to be truthful! Kids are much smarter than most of us think and I think they often times ask questions to see just how you react to the question. Calmly discussing the issue, LISTENING to how they feel about it, letting them know they can always ask you any question, but most of all keep those lines of communication open are the main points. Nobody can have all the answers and that is important too. Tell them you don't know the answer but you will find out for them or better yet, take the to the library or do an internet search and find the answers together! And the number one advice I can give is be a good role model! They will see through the "Do as I say, not as I do" and that will come back to haunt you big time!! Being a teenager can be a rough time but if they know their parents are right there behind them (supporting AND watching ) they get a real sense of security about that. (They won't tell you that, till they are older!)
[ February 29, 2008, 09:47 AM: Message edited by: Jane Diaz ]
-------------------- Jane Diaz Diaz Sign Art 628 W. Lincoln Ave. Pontiac, Il. 61764 815-844-7024 www.diazsignart.com Posts: 4102 | From: Pontiac, IL USA | Registered: Feb 1999
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quote:its everywhere... radio, TV... I myself have the song on my computer, & its not the clean version.
Felix, The first step I would take right now would be to get it off my computer and I wouldn't play it on my radio. Kids are watching what you do. They pay more attention to what you do than what you say. One of the worst things I ever did was to buy a TV. Like Michael says, be truthful with them. Keep the lines of communication open. Make as much time as possible, to spend with your kids.
-------------------- Wayne Webb Webb Signworks Chipley, FL 850.638.9329 wayne@webbsignworks.com Posts: 7403 | From: Chipley,Florida,United States | Registered: Oct 1999
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I don't think you can go wrong by teaching and leading by example.
Many times, parents will tell a child not to do something, and site good moral/ethical/etc reasoning behind it. Then, their children will see them engaging in the same activity they told them to avoid.
That sends mixed signals, but mostly tells them it must be "ok" after all because dad's doing it.
It also tells the kids that what you say has no real merit.
It's difficult being looked upon as a role model. Been there...
Funny you posted this topic....I've been trying to learn a 70's song on my guitar called "Hair of The Dog" by Nazareth.
Well, the song's main lyric is "Now you're messing with a son of a B**ch".
I really wanted my son, who is a dang excellent drummer...to drum the background percussion for me so I could record it to my computer and play it as a background while I was learning the song....but I hesitate because of the *message* of the song.
What makes it more difficult is the knowledge that he's pursuing a vocation as a youth minister....
I swear, the kid is five times more mature than I was at his age...and probably twice as mature than I am now. I'm very proud of him.....
posted
I also think bare-bones honesty is the answer. Take your kids to see first hand where drugs/alcohol can lead. The Graveyard, mental asylum, rehab, etc. Point out the headlines of today's "stars"... Anna Nicole Smith, Heath Ledger, Brittney Spears, etc. Even Kid Rock has recently had a substance abuse related issue here in a Metro Atlanta Waffle House. Kids are pretty smart...and especially if you live a good example transparently in front of them.
-------------------- Nancie W. Phillips White Dove Painting Studio 74 Dacula Road, Dacula, GA 30019 678-887-3339
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This is a brief answer since I'm going somewhere shortly.
AS others have said above it had to come from you. The kids can handle it as they are going to hear it from the wrong source possibly. And, as Nancy has said to take them to a mental health hospital and see the vegetative states the burned out patients are in. My mom used to work there and we could go in every now and then. Evenso, I have to say that the short videos of the junkies dead on the stairs with the needles hanging out of their arms was the most effective when I was 10 or 11. It also showed the DT's when they couldn't get the fix. I feel very fortunate to "see" the truth that way. No matter how much people talk, it's got to be as real and gruesome as possible to get through to most people since in this society we are so immune to the truth and pain. It's our culture as we are so desensitized. You may not want to show them what I said, but, there are other videos through the health department or online, or drug rehab facilities. Don't wait. They need you to tell them. Good luck.
-------------------- Deb Fowler
"It's kind of fun to do the impossible - Walt Disney (1901-1966) Posts: 5373 | From: Loves Park, Illinois | Registered: Aug 1999
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My father is a pretty severe alcoholic, however it never prevented him from working. He got his GED in the Marines as he ran away from home when he was 17 after putting a whooping on my grandpa for hitting my grandma.
He bounced from job to job, until he became a machinist. Works for the union going on 41 years now. Drinks, (used to)smoke, sits in bars when he's not working.
Would work out of town for weeks at a time. When I was little, I would run and hide when he came home on the weekends, because I was afraid of him.
He doesn't save a penny he has. He drives a crappy Saturn wagon or a crappy Ford pickup, depending on which one isn't in the ditch from d&d. He used to take me with him when I was little, because my mom worked nights. He'd go to the bars and I would have to sit in the truck and wait for hours until he came out and we went home. When it was winter time, I was able to come into the bar. Eat candy bars, drink sods and play pool...endlessly. I knew all the bars in town by the time i was 6. When I was 9, my dad got so loaded that I had to drive him home. I had to cross a major highway at night, driving a stick pickup truck, on a country road that wound next to the river with no guard rails.
My mom, on the other hand, is a very religious, strict, college educated, "black & white" type of person. She is as frugal as can be. Bought a new truck in 04...with greenbacks.
My mom would talk to me about "right and wrong" ever since I can remember. And she would always use examples and always said that she would love me no matter what I did, but to really think about what my decisions NOW would mean in the FUTURE.
She would cry when she told me the story about how she & my dad met and ended up getting married. My parents had my sister, who is 12 years older than me, when they were dating. They got married in Las Vegas at the courthouse before she was born. She'd tell me about all the mistakes they made and bad parts of their relationship.
My sister left when she was 17 (see a pattern?) and went to tech school to get away. She got involved in lots of fancy 70's drugs...pot (which was supplied by a family member), LSD, acid, speed, mushrooms etc (I may have these called the same things as I am not big in the drug culture.) Got married and had a kid. Never finished school, lived in cruddy apartments while her husband who had a two year degree worked security jobs and she bartended or waitressed.They still did pot.
My sister now lives in a trailer home with 3 additional kids,(the oldest is on his own). They "space out" for no reason...my sister and the kids. Residual drugs passed on to the kids??? The parents still do pot, but not in front of the kids.
The oldest, was heading down the same path...third generation looser coming on here, until I intervened. I told him if he wanted to live the rest of his life like them then go ahead, but don't come whining to me when everything falls apart because of the stupid decisions you made when you knew better. (They always whine about how bad they have it.)
I gave him a 2 page plan of what I want to see him accomplish with his life and not to talk to me again unless he agreed.
He didn't talk to me for 2 months.
When he did, I found out that he was selling his house, going back to school and getting certified for IT programming. He sold his crappy car, had Paul go with him to get a newer reliable one and moved away from his parents...half way across the state. He now is the senior web developer for the largest dental insurance provider in the nation, finishing his bachelors degree at night and has a clear path and direction of where he wants to go.
This is the same kid in high school who had a (2) year ride to MIT, but my sister wouldn't take him to visit the school yet alone accept the enrollment because the tuition for the last 2 years was $45,000 per year and he would never get out of debt. I offered to go with him (tickets courtesy of MIT) and she refused. He makes twice the tuition price now.
I know this is long, but there is a point. Kids do really pay attention to what happens. And if a parent can say "hey I did this and it didn't work out" and show them people like I've described. I've watched people all my life. I decided how I wanted to end up. Not in some stupid trailer in the north woods of Wisconsin with 5 kids and no education, hanging out at the bars. That's how it is if you are a "native" from up there.
Generations of that crap.
I decided at a young age...no drugs and no stupid decisions that can impact my future (except for racing and cliff jumping )I was going to get a degree or two or three and have a better life. Yeah, I drank in college, on the weekends, who doesn't? But by the time we were juniors, there was too much other stuff that was important. Graduation, building a house, getting married etc.
My family (on both sides-still all up north) calls me "the one who left and became successful." I wouldn't say successful...just more determined.
Felix, I really think that showing examples is right. Yeah I've got songs that I play in my truck that Evan listens to and says "Good tune, mom" and it's like Kid Rock's Cowboy-unedited. I grew up with all sorts of swear language and music. If you ask my husband the lyrics to almost any song, there's no way he can tell you what the message is! My mom found the lyrics to Tone Loc's Wild Thing when I was a teenager and flipped out and forbid me to listen to the song. I explained to her that is was a cool groove and not to worry. I wasn't about to go banging around.
I hope to provide the best possible situation for Evan to make the right decisions. I want him to be exposed to all of this. keeping your kid in a bubble all their life just leads them to go crazy when the are "free". My friends were raised like that. They all went nuts when they got out of their parents house.
Do I care about saying all this stuff about my family? Heck no. They made the decisions, and now their life reflects that. Skeletons and all. I don't have any skeletons (that I know of) and I am glad. Less to worry about.
Leaves more time to make signs!
-------------------- Nikki Goral Image Advantage Signs 4050 Champeau Road New Franken, WI 54229 920-465-4500 "Finish every day and be done with it. Tomorrow is a new day."-Ralph Waldo Emerson Posts: 928 | From: New Franken, WI (East Green Bay) | Registered: Jun 2007
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Be honest with him. Don't pretend the song doesn't exist or tell him not to listen to it.
My parents tried to raise me in a closet, hiding the real world from me. They didn't talk about what was going on in the real world, just pretended it wasn't. Needless to say, the minute I could escape that bubble I did & never looked back. I never got involved with drugs in any way, somehow I figured out on my own that was not a good thing, but I also wasn't really equipped for dealing with the world & people.
-------------------- Chris Welker Wildfire Signs Indiana, Pa Posts: 4254 | From: Indiana, PA | Registered: Mar 2001
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posted
I don't have time right now to read all the reploies so if this is a repeat, I sorry. Having been a foster parent to teenage deliquients for 9 years, I know a few things. I would take the child for a ride in a car down to wherever your skid row is and let the kid see what people look like laying around in the street that are drunk and on drugs. I think that would create a lasting impression allow with whatever you say to them.
-------------------- Laura Butler Vision Graphics & Sign 4479 Welch Rd Attica, Mi 48412 Posts: 2855 | From: Attica, Mi, USA | Registered: Nov 2000
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Just my humble opinion... I'm not sure that visions of needles in the arm, mental asylums or the horrors of druggies in the gutter are the way I'd go with an 11 year old. I think a more "positive spin" might work better at least at first anyway. It depends alot on your son too. Whatever works for you, Felix. Feel him out as to how deeply interested or disturbed he is about this subject or if it's just a passing, quick question.
-------------------- Jane Diaz Diaz Sign Art 628 W. Lincoln Ave. Pontiac, Il. 61764 815-844-7024 www.diazsignart.com Posts: 4102 | From: Pontiac, IL USA | Registered: Feb 1999
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posted
When 8 yr old Cody has questions, I always offer him age appropriate answers. I've never said, "You're too young to know." As far as I'm concerned, if they have questions, they deserve age appropriate answers of some kind at the very least.
I was also raised in a protective bubble. But it didn't stop me from finding out what I desired to know. I learned the hard way. Cody is armed with sooo much more parent led info than I was on my wedding night.
posted
Ya know, I don't have any kids, so who am I to talk. But if a young person were to ask me what stoned is. I would drive them down to meet any local wino or drug addict in the area. I'd even let them meet and talk. I let the "Stoned " person tell them about being stoned etc.After we got enough of a lesson and couldn't take the smell. I'd give the guy a 20 and leave. Then I would explain to the youg person that, that is the result of being stoned. Being a drunk or a drug addict has aways been glorified thoughout the ages. We all love to point at a drunk and call him a loser. But in reality that person is lost. And many times they have lost their minds thanks to being stoned.
-------------------- Signs by Alicia Jennings (Mudflap Girl) Tacoma, WA Since 1987 Have Lipstick, will travel. Posts: 3814 | From: Tacoma, WA. U.S.A. | Registered: Dec 1999
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posted
I have two daughters I have raised myself for the past 14 years. I have been very honest with them, including about what I am not proud of,including my past which has not been the "cleanest". I have never preached to them, but have tried to educate them using me as an example.
My daughters and I have a great relationship and we talk about things I never would have talked to my parents about. They are both willing to bring up topics with me about social concerns as well as any subject and I have always been honest with them about things.
It must be working since my youngest, now 17 called me a few weeks ago to come get her from a girl friend's home because the "Sleepover" turned out to be more of a party and someone brought alcohol, and she did not want to be involved.
I guess I must be doing something right.
-------------------- Bob Noyes Digital Graffiti 310 Main St NE Mapleton, MN 56065 Posts: 130 | From: Mapleton, MN | Registered: Nov 2007
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posted
Just tell him drugs suck and you expect him to be smarter than that. Kids want to do their parents proud. The bigger deal you make of it, the bigger deal it becomes.
Relax and follow your instinct. Only you know your child and what methods work best for him. Parenting is natural and should be enjoyed. Truthfully, it drives me wild how parents are held under the microscope these days. RELAX!!!!Turn off the self help shows, throw out the 600th revision or division or whatever it is of Dr Spock. Go play catch with your kid. Buy a microscope and show him how scary a fly looks. Show him how to skip rocks. Teach him the joys of nature and people and you likely won't need to worry about him getting into drugs. Go fishing together. If you are a good person with good values you will do fine. Spend your time enjoying your kid instead of learning to parent. You know way more than you give yourself credit for. You don't have to be perfect, just admit your imperfections if they come up, let him know that no one is perfect and move on.
This world has come to a very strange place. Everybody is spending their lives studying how to live and while life passes by. Self help books have replaced the classics in most libraries. Judging from the world around me, I don't think they are working.
-------------------- “Did you ever stop to think, and forget to start again?” -Winnie the Pooh & A.A. Milne
Kelly Thorson Kel-T-Grafix 801 Main St. Holdfast, SK S0G 2H0 ktg@sasktel.net Posts: 5496 | From: Penzance, Saskatchewan | Registered: May 2002
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I've never heard the song you're referring to, but you are exactly right...it's everywhere. Problem is, so many parents have the audacity to be shocked when their kids tell lies, when they go to great lengths to perpitrate lies to their kids from day one: Santa Claus, Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy etc.
Ya, ya, go ahead and flame me, but it's true. A lie is a lie period. As a whole, our society accepts lies from everyone, co-workers to clergymen. Tax cheats cost everyone money. It's to point where people who are squeeky honest are viewed as wierd or stupid.
It is easy to find people in the media who are failures because of drugs. It is your chance to have an honest discussion with him, and show him what drugs do to peoples lives, (rehab, losing children, jail time, a record that haunts you, etc. not to mention the physical and moral issues)
It is the moment of truth in your household. We all hope our kids become useful members of society. Much of that decision is being carved right now. When your child has his own kids, and passes on your honesty & good moral code to his children, You will know you did the right thing.
I wish you well.
[ March 01, 2008, 07:12 AM: Message edited by: Rick Beisiegel ]
""Good judgment comes from experience; and a lot of that comes from bad judgment" - Will Rogers Posts: 3485 | From: Beautiful Newaygo, Michigan | Registered: Mar 2003
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posted
Thanks for all your advice, guys. Its truly appreciated. I do show him examples (hey, its Puerto Rico... they're everywhere.) I show him the junkies, he's seen how my uncle is all alone because of the booze, he knows that my cousin and neighbor are dead because of drugs. He doesn't know about my favorite uncle's 8 year membership in Club Fed, but I'll tell him when the time comes. I always encourage him to go to school so he has a better life than we do... to learn from our own mistakes. I always tell him he can count on me if he wants to talk, & that I love him no matter what. You can accomplish anything you choose as long as you stay focused. Look at this guy who had it all & gave it up for drugs... Look at this moron who just because he had "problems" is now a junkie. We all have problems, & we don't need drugs to solve them.
Lots of hugs, lots of kisses. (He's kinda not wanting to kiss or hug me much... He's turning into Brian Bob Cool Pants, I suppose? ) But either way I let him know I love him.
Although this is a learning process for me, I truly believe that this is going to make a difference. My dad died when I was 9, but my mom was always there,no matter what. Whether I was drinking, smoking, getting in trouble, whatever. She was always there & showed me that she loved me. Although I surely experimented, at some point I came to realize what she showed me & told me all began to make sense. Sure I'm not perfect, sure I continue to make mistakes. But all in all, I don't think I'm "bad peeples"
I've recently spent some time around some people who act like they're all righteous & that they're going to heaven "shoes & all", but when their own kids want some affection, they're only response is a "hey pal" from a distance because children aren't "they're department". I really don't know the reason for me writing this last bit, but after seeing that, I think we'll be just fine.
Thanks again guys. & again, & again.
[ March 01, 2008, 10:27 AM: Message edited by: Felix Marcano ]
-------------------- Felix Marcano PuertoRicoSigns.Com Luquillo, PR
Work hard, party like a tourist! Posts: 2274 | From: Luquillo, Puerto Rico, USA | Registered: Nov 2000
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posted
Being young enough to vividly remember teenage years, I now look back at how I grew up and what My parents told me about drugs or alcohol. I have two daughters the oldest of which is nine and the youngest is five. my teenage daughters years are quickly upon me.
Growing up Catholic... Wine with every Sunday dinner and Mardi Gras / St. Patrick's day, the message was clear that Alcohol in moderate amounts was not only OK but expected in my family and my friends families
Drugs... Not so much. My family knew NOTHING about any type of street drug. And so they were not able to teach me about its pitfalls and lies. I had to learn the hard way. Glad I made it out alive.... That sounds a bit dramatic but I can think of at least ten friends that didn't.
I would say to listen to your children.... Many times they have MANY questions for us but we don't hear them because we are too busy "teaching" them what we think they need. The next is to be a friend to your children. Like a good friend, a pal, someone your kids can tell dirty jokes to and not chastise them. Unless your kids can trust you will not freak out on them, they will not tell you squat. To this day I do not tell my parents anything of any weight. The complaining and criticizing I would get are not worth it.
As far as popular culture... Sorry there is no way to avoid it. Hiding it from them only makes them want it more. Kids are smarter than we think and they know when things are being kept from them. There are many artist / songs out there that show a more realistic version of drug lifestyle. Listen to the words in the infamous "because I got high" by Afroman. (popular song I asure you) It starts off like any other Pro marijuana stoner song... But by the end of it The guy has lost his wife and kids, gone to jail,and messed up his entire life... Because he got high.
Anyway, point is that a "friend" would be able to point that out to a teenager, a parent would make it seem as Dad is the enemy of anything that is "fun" and he is deliberately trying to squelch their teenage years...
Good Luck. -L-
-------------------- Lee McKee McKee Studios Birmingham, Al Planet Earth (sometimes) Posts: 277 | From: Birmingham, Al | Registered: Jan 2003
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posted
I believe the media is getting paid to promote drugs because the movies portray it as OK, the comedy shows make jokes about it. Every movie show that when entering a room, the first thing to do is light up a smoke and take a drink of alcohol. Never ice tea or juice, only liquor. This is like telling the kids that this is the way of normal life. Bill
-------------------- Bill Riedel Riedel Sign Co., Inc. 15 Warren Street Little Ferry, N.J. 07643 billsr@riedelsignco.com Posts: 2953 | From: Little Ferry, New Jersey, USA | Registered: Feb 1999
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posted
My take on this as a parent of 5 and who's oldest son is morphing into puberty (11 years old) as we speak. I talk to him a lot. Hang out with him and his friends, their parents. We kind of form a union of sorts and talk about what's acceptable and beneficial and what's not acceptable etc..
When I was a kid, from 10 on, I was pretty much raised by the streets. My parents didn't have much say or influence over me, but my relationship with my kids is much different. I'm not sure what's going to happen at 15 or 16, but for now, while they're under my care drugs are not going to be a part of their environment. The people our kids choose as friends has a lot to do with who they are. I figure, If you form a close bond with your kids early, like a real family should, then you'll have say over who they choose as friends and they won't be hanging out with a bunch of snoop dogg wannabees wasting their lives away.
posted
Felix, Thanks for telling me about your Mom, as I'm single parent too. It's encouraging to hear what you said. I think that you can never do too much to steer your kids right; I've stopped working for a few years and just about went under just to be there for mine. But, I'll never, never regret my decisions there. You've got to be smart and talk to people and reach out. It's a tough job raising a child singly and yet, very easy to share the love, no matter what the financial picture is. Here's to all that care, parents or not, you all can be a mentor to a young person, no matter where they are or who their parents are or aren't. Young people need all the encouragement and mentoring they can get!!!
-------------------- Deb Fowler
"It's kind of fun to do the impossible - Walt Disney (1901-1966) Posts: 5373 | From: Loves Park, Illinois | Registered: Aug 1999
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The main thing is honesty and being a part of the childs life. I make a point of being a volunteer at school, doing the field trips, having my daughters friends come over here to play and taking all of them to do fun things. I also know the parents very well.
I don't hide things from my daughter. She can watch programs on TV that many of her friends cannot. I allow her to have soda and candy and as a result she never wants it. Her friends go nuts for these things because they are like the "forbidden fruit".
I know she's only 8 (almost 9) but she's a great kid. Straight "A" student, all of the kids like her at school and want to be her friend. She hasn't fallen into the little groups of punk kids.
If more people would just take the time to actually be a part of their childrens lives the entire world would be a better place. Society has gotten so busy working and just trying to make money to survive that we forget.
I also believe that we should be holding parents more accountable for the childrens actions. Just look at the news. Most of the time the parents are no better or usually worse than the kids getting in trouble. I'm a strong proponent of an eye for an eye.
OK, enough rambling. Follow your gut!
[ March 04, 2008, 09:28 AM: Message edited by: Amy Brown ]
-------------------- Amy Brown Life Skills 101 Private Address Posts: 3502 | From: Lake Helen, FL, USA | Registered: Feb 2001
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This may get me flamed by a lot of folks, but I read a chapter of Proverbs everyday (someone told me that there are 31 chapters, not a coincidinque LOL) and when my children were old enough I let them read them to me whilst I was fixing their breakfast and was able to answer questions at that time. It helped them learn to make committments at the start of each day not to do "stupid" things.
They made a lot of decisions on their own based on the knowledge they obtained from this literary habit and I am proud to say they did well. They did experiment later in years like we all do at that bullet-proof stage but recognised quickly the negative affects and results they saw in other people's lives and were determined not to be a "drooler" (vegetable) for a living.
We are all going to serve someone in our life. Let it be a life of Love that we choose.
![[Group Hug]](graemlins/grouphug.gif)
AND watching ![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
) they get a real sense of security about that. (They won't tell you that, till they are older!) ![[Wink]](wink.gif)
![[Smile]](smile.gif)
)I was going to get a degree or two or three and have a better life. Yeah, I drank in college, on the weekends, who doesn't? But by the time we were juniors, there was too much other stuff that was important. Graduation, building a house, getting married etc.
![[I Don t Know]](graemlins/dunno.gif)
at least at first anyway.
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