posted
A school was faced with a problem. A number of 12 year old girls were begining to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
After they put it on, they would press their lips to the mirrors leaving dozens of lip prints. The maintenance man had a major problem cleaning them off every night, and they would be back there next day.
Principal decided something had to be done. he assembled some of the girls in the bathroom along with the maintence man.
"Show the girls how hard it is to clean the mirrors"
The man took a long handled squeege and dipped it in a toilet and cleaned the mirror
posted
Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Southerner? Here is a little test that will help you decide. The answer can be found by posing the following question:
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.
Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you.
You are carrying a Glock cal 40, and you are an expert shot.
You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
What do you do? .............................................................
THINK CAREFULLY AND THEN SCROLL DOWN
Democrat's Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wo und me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day and make this happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.
posted
A man and his wife had been discussing her plans to buy a new fur coat and was being met w/opposition, he said NO, flat out and that was that...period.
Upon his return from work next day, she met him just inside their front door, wearing nothing but a semi-short, summer dress, she flashed him and announced, "See that? That was your Hope Chest before we were married", flashing him again, she continued w/"After we were married, that's become your Treasure Chest, if I don't get that new coat, it becomes the Community Chest...."
-------------------- Frank Magoo, Magoo's-Las Vegas; fmagoo@netzero.com "the only easy day was yesterday" Posts: 2365 | From: Las Vegas, Nv. | Registered: Jun 2003
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quote:Originally posted by Si Allen: Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you.
Sounds like a probable scenario, Si. I'm sure it happens a lot, especially with Islamic terrorists.
posted
I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave fry short of a Happy Meal. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT??
I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.
-------------------- Marty Renfro Living Waters Studio 4748 LaVerda Drive Ft Worth, TX 76117 Posts: 6 | From: Ft. Worth, Texas | Registered: Sep 2002
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The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello."
"Mrs. Ward, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which are your husband's."
"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward.
"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time. The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."
-------------------- Mike gatlinburg Sign Crafters Posts: 1051 | From: Gatlinburg, TN | Registered: Oct 2005
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Three Norwegians went down to Mexico to celebrate college graduation, got drunk, and woke up in jail, only to find that they were to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first, Sven, was asked if he had any last words. He says, "I yust graduated from Saint Olaf in Northfield, Minnesota and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."
They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees; beg for Sven's forgiveness, and release him.
The second, Lars, is strapped in and gives his last words, "I yust graduated from the Gustavus Adolphus in St. Peter and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."
They throw the switch and, again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately fall to their knees; beg for his forgiveness, and release him.
The last one, Ole, is strapped in and says, "Vell, I'm from Iowa State In Ames, Iowa and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, ya ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in!"
-------------------- Silver Creek Signworks Dick Bohrer Two Harbors, MN Posts: 236 | From: Two Harbors, MN USA | Registered: Jun 1999
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posted
This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.
DON'T TAKE ME IF I DON'T WANT TO GO...........
After Mr. & Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart.
Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men--he found shopping boring & preferred to get in & get out.
Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton loved to browse.
One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her local Wal-Mart.
Dear Mrs. Fenton,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put themin people's carts when they weren't looking.
2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.'
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department & told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.
8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera & used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but not least ....
15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'
Regards, Wal-Mart
-------------------- Silver Creek Signworks Dick Bohrer Two Harbors, MN Posts: 236 | From: Two Harbors, MN USA | Registered: Jun 1999
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posted
A Couple are celebrating their 50th Wedding Anniversary
The wife plans on making this a real special night for her man.
Goes out and buys a some real sexy lingerie, Crothless panties, The works and puts it on under her dress.
After a very romantic Dinner the wife grabs her husbands hand and leads him to the Bedroom. Lays him down on the bed and procedes to do a little strip show for her husmand.
The Husband is all smiles until the final undressing. She lays down next to him and whispers in his ear. You want some of this baby.
Husband replies "No Way Look at what it did to your underware."
By the way Si.. That's Profiling and that is not PC..
posted
A Preacher was explaining that although he didn't want to he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more so he can look after his family. There is a hush within the congregation,.....no one wanted him to leave.
Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City stands up and proclaims,.... "If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new car every year, and his wife with a run around to transport their children!"
The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds. Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, "If the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!"
More sighs and loud applause, Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the Preacher stays, . I will give him sex!" There is total silence. The Preacher, blushing, asks her, "Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?"
Sadie's 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies,
"Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, ...."Screw the Preacher!" Isn't senility wonderful?
-------------------- Jimmy Chatham Chatham Signs 468 stark st Commerce, Ga 30529 Posts: 1766 | From: Commerce, GA, USA | Registered: Nov 1998
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posted
Two Polish hunters from Chicago hired a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip home, the pilot tells them the plane can take only three moose. The two Pollock's objected strongly, stating; "Last year we shot six moose and the pilot let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as yours " Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. Unfortunately, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few minutes after takeoff. Climbing out of the wreck, Stasiu asked Wladek, " Any idea where we are?" Wladek replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
-------------------- Si Allen #562 La Mirada, CA. USA
(714) 521-4810
si.allen on Skype
siallen@dslextreme.com
"SignPainters do It with Longer Strokes!"
Never mess with your profile while in a drunken stupor!!!
Brushasaurus on Chat Posts: 8831 | From: La Mirada, CA, USA | Registered: Nov 1998
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