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3 old ladies are talking with another resident of the nursing home. They tell the man that they can guess his age. He doesn't believe they can, so he says "ok, how old am I?"
They tell him that for them to figure out his age, they have to see him naked, so he strips. They tell him to turn around so they can see the backside, which he does. They make his face them and jump up & down, which he does.
The 1 old lady then tells him "you're 84".
Astonished, the old man says "Amazing. How did you figure that out?"
She tells him "You told us yesterday."
-------------------- Chris Welker Wildfire Signs Indiana, Pa Posts: 4254 | From: Indiana, PA | Registered: Mar 2001
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A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32," is the reply.
"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."
The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."
Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each one. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am I?"
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?"
The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"
"I promise I won't." she says.
"I was behind you in line at McDonald's."
-------------------- Dana Blair Blair Signs Wooster, OH www.blairsigns.com
If sign makers go on strike, is there anything written on their picket signs? Posts: 835 | From: Wooster, OH, USA | Registered: Jul 1999
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Since the topic seems to be in the "senior vein", here's Harold's story:
Harold is 89 years young, and has been a resident of a nursing home since his 75th year. He'd always been a cheerful guy, and got on well with the other residents and staff. One morning, he wasn't around, so his nursing attendant went to his room to check on him. She found him still in bed, moping, and unusually depressed.
"What's wrong Harold, are you not feeling well?" she inquired. Harold replied that his "private member" had died. "Every morning I'd wake up, and there it would be, standing at attention, to greet the new day" he related. "This morning though, it just refuses to stand up, even with any amount of coaxing, it just lays there, and I know that it's dead." His nurse explained to Harold that this was a normal situation among men of his years, and that he'd been able to "get it up" for more years than many men who were far younger than himself. Harold seemed to accept this, but elected to remain in his room for the day, "in mourning" as he explained it.
The next day, Harold was up and about as usual, but everyone noticed that he was strolling the halls in his pajamas, with his member exposed for all to plainly see. His nursing attendant hurriedly escorted Harold back to his room. " You just can't go around these hallways with your private part hanging out" she scolded. " Besides, didn't you tell me just yesterday that it had died?"
"Certainly," replied Harold. " It died yesterday, and today's the viewing."
-------------------- Ken Henry Henry & Henry Signs London, Ontario Canada (519) 439-1881 e-mail: kjmlhenry@rogers.com
Why do I get all those on-line offers to sell me Viagara, when the only thing hardening is my arteries ? Posts: 2684 | From: London,Ontario, Canada | Registered: Feb 1999
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Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?" The pharmacist answers, "Yes." Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?" Pharmacist: "Of course we do." Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?" Pharmacist: "All kinds." Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?" Pharmacist: "Definitely." Jacob: "How about Viagra?" Pharmacist: "Of course." Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?" Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works." Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?" Pharmacist: "Absolutely." Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?" Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes." Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
-------------------- Jane Diaz Diaz Sign Art 628 W. Lincoln Ave. Pontiac, Il. 61764 815-844-7024 www.diazsignart.com Posts: 4102 | From: Pontiac, IL USA | Registered: Feb 1999
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Three little old ladies are sitting on a park bench enjoying the day when a flasher suddenly runs up to them and whips open his coat...
The first little old, well, she had a stroke...
The second little old lady, surprisingly, had a stroke, too...
The third little old lady? Well, it seems her arthritis was acting up and she couldn't reach that far.
-------------------- Bruce Bowers
DrCAS Custom Lettering and Design Saint Cloud, Minnesota
"Things work out best for the people who make the best of the way things work out." - Art Linkletter Posts: 6451 | From: Saint Cloud, Minnesota | Registered: Jun 1999
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A woman goes to see her greeving 88 year old grandmother after she got the news that her grandfather hand died.
She asks her grandmother how grandfather died?
The little old women explained "while we were having sex"
"While you were having sex?? Grandma, you and grandpa were both 88 years old. What in the world were you doing having sex?"
"Oh dear, me and your grandfather would have sex every Sunday at noon."
"Why Sunday at noon?" she asked
"Well dear, when we made love, we would keep the rythum of the church bell, it helped to keep your grandpa at a nice slow pace. And this past Sunday was going just as it always had, nice and slow, until that damn ice cream truck had to drive by........"
-------------------- Snow's Sign Works 865-908-0076 snowman@planetc.com www.snowsigns.com
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message... Posts: 1640 | From: Sevierville, TN | Registered: Jul 2005
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An American couple are on a touring holiday of the British Isles. Driving in Wales one afternoon they find they find themselves in a town called Lllanwellychoengoochallavellythinchallinogogcoch.
They decide this is as good as anywhere to stop and have some lunch.
They find a restaurant, order their food and ask the waitress, "Excuse me miss, could you tell me how you pronounce the name of this place?"
The waitress puts down their food and says very slowly " Buuur-Guuur-kiiing "
Taste is the enemy of creativity ... Salvador Dali
The problem with work is it's daily ....me
-------------------- jon no work team 15 st.pirans road newquay me2u@easypeasy.com Posts: 23 | From: newquay, uk | Registered: Oct 2003
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The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and 1 by 1 began to tell their stories.
"Johnny, do you have a story to share?" "Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Barbara. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."
"Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?"
"Stay the **** away from Aunt Barbara when she's drinking."
-------------------- Jane Diaz Diaz Sign Art 628 W. Lincoln Ave. Pontiac, Il. 61764 815-844-7024 www.diazsignart.com Posts: 4102 | From: Pontiac, IL USA | Registered: Feb 1999
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An old man lay on his deathbed. With only a few hours left in t6his world, he is thinking about his past life. Suddenly the smell of cookies wafts into the room Fresh baked cookies. His very favorite! Peanut butter cookies! The smell is driving him to distraction…the smell of peanut butter cookies, and here he is dieing! He makes ups his mind that he is going to have one before he dies! He tries to call out to his wife, but his throat is so parched, not a sound comes out! He is not going to die without a cookie! He summons what little strength he has, and heaves him self out of bed and lands on the floor! He can still smell those cookies! After resting for a few minutes, he starts to slowly crawl to the kitchen. There on the table are the cookies! With the last once of strength left in him he reaches up and grabs one of those precious peanut butter cookies, SPLAT! She whacks his hand with a spoon and yells “Leave those alone! They are for your funeral!”
-------------------- Si Allen #562 La Mirada, CA. USA
(714) 521-4810
si.allen on Skype
siallen@dslextreme.com
"SignPainters do It with Longer Strokes!"
Never mess with your profile while in a drunken stupor!!!
Brushasaurus on Chat Posts: 8831 | From: La Mirada, CA, USA | Registered: Nov 1998
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A man goes to see the rabbi. "Rabbi," he says, "something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it." The rabbi asks, "What's wrong?" The man replies, "My wife is poisoning me." The rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?" The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?" The rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know." A week later the rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I contacted your wife. She talked to me on the phone for three solid hours. You want my advice?" The man says, "Yes." The rabbi replies, "Take the poison!"
-------------------- Jane Diaz Diaz Sign Art 628 W. Lincoln Ave. Pontiac, Il. 61764 815-844-7024 www.diazsignart.com Posts: 4102 | From: Pontiac, IL USA | Registered: Feb 1999
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Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway...but, as time went by, the traffic built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day! So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens!" "What do you want me to do?" asked the Sheriff. "I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!" So the next day the Sheriff had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said: "SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING" Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers! The school crossing sign seems to make them go even faster!" So again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign that read "SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY" That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and called and called every day for three weeks. Finally he told the Sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good! Can I put up my own sign?" The Sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." He was going to let Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling every day to complain. The Sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John. Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the Sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call. "How's the problem with those drivers? Did you put up your sign?" "Oh, I sure did...and not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone. The Sheriff was really curious now as he thought to himself, "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign... it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers..." So the Sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood that read "NUDIST COLONY - Go slow and watch out for the chicks"
-------------------- Ellen Day Cutting GoldRushSigns Posts: 77 | From: Florissant, CO | Registered: Jan 2005
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A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!" he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance without answering.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well...last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea"
-------------------- Ellen Day Cutting GoldRushSigns Posts: 77 | From: Florissant, CO | Registered: Jan 2005
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Two nuns on a tandem ride down a cobbled street. At the end one says to the other, "i've never come this way before." The other replies " Neither have I, shall we do it again?"
On the same vein
Two nuns in a bath, one says to the other "Where's the soap?" "Yes it does doesn't it"
Ever notice that 'What the hell' is always the right decision? - Marilyn Monroe
-------------------- jon no work team 15 st.pirans road newquay me2u@easypeasy.com Posts: 23 | From: newquay, uk | Registered: Oct 2003
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Bruce...you are a bad, bad man. ![[Wink]](wink.gif)
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