posted
In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower, and spinach, green, yellow, and red vegetables of all kinds; so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's and Krispy Kreme. And Satan said, "You want hot fudge with that?" And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "I'll have another with sprinkles." And lo they gained 10 pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane, and combined them. And Woman went from size 2 to size 10.
So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented crumbled Bleu Cheese dressing and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut shrimp, butter dipped lobster chunks and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man's cholesterol went through the roof.
God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And man and woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition. Then Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy centerinto chips and deep-fried them in animal fats and added copious quantities of salt. And Man put on more pounds.
God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and the 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then Lucifer said, "You want fries with that?" and Man replied, "Yes! And super size' em!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
And Satan created HMOs.
Amen
-------------------- Si Allen #562 La Mirada, CA. USA
(714) 521-4810
si.allen on Skype
siallen@dslextreme.com
"SignPainters do It with Longer Strokes!"
Never mess with your profile while in a drunken stupor!!!
Brushasaurus on Chat Posts: 8831 | From: La Mirada, CA, USA | Registered: Nov 1998
| IP: Logged |
posted
we humans sure know whats best for us don't we?
good one Si!
-------------------- -------------------- Dave Cox C2 Media Services (Formerly That Sign Guy) dave@c2mediaservices.com -------------------- Full Color Printing Posts: 295 | From: Sacramento CA | Registered: Jan 2003
| IP: Logged |
posted
Good one Si. Every time I see a new baby, this goes thru my mind: They have to wear what we put on 'em. They have to eat what we feed 'em. They get diaper rash if we don't change 'em. They get plopped in front of the TV before they can even walk. They get fed fruit roll-ups and tons of sugary juice. They are taught survival of the fittest in day-care. We are all given a perfect chance (or almost perfect) in life and we start screwing it up right from the get-go. Man is his own worst enemy! Love...Jill
-------------------- That is like a Mr. Potato Head with all the pieces in the wrong place. -Russ McMullin Posts: 8834 | From: Butler, PA, USA | Registered: Jan 2001
| IP: Logged |
posted
god was a vegitarian.......thank you......heheheheheheh
-------------------- joe pribish-A SIGN MINT 2811 longleaf Dr. pensacola, fl 32526 850-637-1519 BEWARE THE TRUTH.....YOU MAY NOT LIKE WHAT YOU FIND Posts: 11582 | From: pensacola, fl. usa | Registered: Nov 1998
| IP: Logged |
posted
Farmer Clyde was the pillar of the county he lived in. He went to church every Sunday, and unlike others he really did live by the Good Book.
He had just built a new machine shed and finished parking his brand new combine in the building when a super storm came through the county and a bolt of lightning destroyed the new building and combine. It was a total loss and unfortunately, Clyde had not yet inked the insurance papers on his new equipment, so the loss was totally on him.
But being the amazing fellow he was, he kept a positive attitude and made up for all his losses and still had time to volunteer for all his noble causes. He was the type of guy who would give you the shirt off his back -- he never said a bad word about anyone and he was a tireless promoter of good will. He loved God deeply and demonstrated it with passion.
He ran into town for some supplies one day, when a freak tornado was spawned before the National Weather Service could respond. You guessed it -- it traveled directly over Clyde's homestead and destroyed nearly everything. People started to wonder, "How could a thing like this happen to such a stellar individual such as Clyde."
It was simply amazing how Clyde made up for these losses also -- all the while he never missed attending church or helping those who were needy.
Then he went on a business trip and when he returned home he found that his wife and children had been slaughtered by an escaped inmate from an insane asylum.
Now Clyde began to second guess himself. Perhaps he had not demonstrated strongly enough his devotion to the Almighty, and maybe these catastrophes were a sign that the Lord was expecting more from him.
So he went out into the middle of one of his fields and knelt down and siffed through the rich topsoil. He said, "Dear Lord, I have always tried to live a clean life and uphold all the principles of the Golden Rule. I have attended church every Sunday and tried to lead by example. I love you Dear Lord and are humble before thee, but lately I have experienced some set backs and was wondering if you could give me some indication of where I was going wrong that I should have to endure these hardships.
Just then the sky turned dark and an enormous cloud appeared directly over Clyde. The cloud opened up and the Lord spoke..."I don't know Clyde...something about you just pi**e* me off!"
-------------------- Bill Diaz Diaz Sign Art Pontiac IL www.diazsignart.com Posts: 2108 | From: Pontiac, IL | Registered: Dec 2001
| IP: Logged |
posted
Then God created Guinness, full of iron and other goodies. Peat rivers to give subtle tastes to whiskey. Beatiful blue lakes, rugged mountains and cliffs and small islands where time stood still for centuries. 40 shades of green.......and called it Ireland.
And Satan created vinyl.
-------------------- Brian O'Prey Brian O'Prey, Artist and Designer 5 Old Movilla Road, Newtownards County Down Northern Ireland BT23 8HH Tel. 028 9181 3517 email-brianlionzion@hotmail.com Posts: 91 | From: Newtownards, County Down, Ireland | Registered: Aug 2003
| IP: Logged |
![[Dunno]](graemlins/dunno.gif)
![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
Printer-friendly view of this topic