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I got a call yesterday morning at 5:am from my wife telling me that a very close friend of ours had passed away. Lisa had been fighting cancer (cervical) for five years and had been doing really well until about 6 months ago when a pain in her hip turned out to be the cancer back for another try at stealing her life. About two weeks ago, after another very tough regiment of chemo and radiation, the Drs had to admit defeat. They sent Lisa home and told her and her husband, Billy to start to prepare for the end of her life. They didn't know exactly how long she had. But they guessed somewhere between 6months to a year. Having lost two other friends—both young women —to cancer in the last 2 years, I 've learned a lot about pallative care and hospice. I've learned, too, that the end of one's life, as long as it can be maintained pain-free and with dignity, can sometimes be the richest, most rewarding time of one's life. And today, hospice care has advanced to where they can state without exception, that nobody should have to die in pain. So I was looking forward to Lisa's dying. To some of you, I'm sure that sounds morbid and perhaps even shocking. But, once all the options have been exhausted and death is inevitable, the sooner you come to accept it, the sooner you can begin to address things, talk about things honestly and openly with the dying person. In America, ask someone how they would like to die and you're apt to hear, "suddennly, in my sleep." Or "Hit by a train when I'm not looking." And I think it's because we never talk about it. When we're born, we come into the world small, scared and helpless. People that love us, bath us, change our diapers, whisper to us even when we're sleeping and it is the most beautiful time of life. Certianly there is no lack of dignity in being cared for as an infant. Dying in one's sleep can be a blessing to be sure. But if it is sudden and unexpected, the people we love are left behind not just grieving losing you, but they're often left with regrets of not having had the opportunity to say goodbye. Or I'm sorry. Or I love you. I wanted to spend a lot of time with Lisa. I wanted to sit by her bedside and make her laugh. I wanted to run my fingers through her hair and tell her how much I loved her. I wanted to read "The Fall of Freddie the Leaf" by Leo Bascaglia to her. I wanted to hold her hand and sing lullabyes to her while she drifted off courtesy of a constant morphine drip. I wanted to help her leave this world knowing she was as loved as a person could be and that her being here touched so many people in so many ways and that she will be missed deeply. I spent an hour with Lisa last Saturday. Schedules had been set up for different people to rotate in and out so Billy could go to work and thgeir two children could be gotten off to school and cared for when they got home. Yesterday was my wife's "day." She had not yet seen Lisa since she was sent home the week before. Thursday night at around 3am Lisa woke Billy saying she was having a hard time breathing. By 3:30 she asked him to call 911. By 4:11, Lisa had died of a heart attack. Denise, my wife, called me in tears at 5:30 Friday morning and all she could say through her sobbing was that she never got to say goodbye. Thinking they had a bunch of months left at least, Billy and Lisa never even got around to discussing funeral plans. Their 13 year old daughter settled that Friday morning declaring that she couldn't bear to see her mommy put in the ground. So Lisa will be creamated.
I know this is a site for Letterheads to foster and promote our crafts. But I've come to see it as a very close community of very extraordinary, loving people. And I just wanted to share some pain, some loss because it helps me. And I would ask anyone who has read this far to think about death and dying sometimes. Not in a morbid way. But in a way where you accept the inevitability of it, try as best as you can to come to grips with the finality of it, then live your life as if it might be the last day you have. Tell the people you love that you love them. Discuss how you would like your funeral to be handled. Be a good person.
Thanks for reading. Mark
-------------------- Mark Rogan The Great Barrington Sign Company 2 Stilwell Street, Great Barrington, MA 01230 mark@gbsignco.com
"Sometimes I think my head is so big because it is so full of fonts" Posts: 332 | From: Great Barrington, MA | Registered: Mar 2003
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Very well put, even for a uncomfortable topic. I have noticed that the older I get, the more funerals seem to be a common part of our life. A few years earlier, I never thought of death, because it seemed so distant- but as it moves closer around you, it makes you open your eyes to our brief time. A song by the christian group "Casting Crowns" says it best: "...I am a flower quickly fading, here today and gone tomorrow, a wave crash in the ocean, a vapor in the wind..."
[ May 01, 2004, 11:08 AM: Message edited by: Michael Clanton ]
-------------------- Michael Clanton Clanton Graphics/ Blackberry 19 Studio 1933 Blackberry Conway AR 72034 501-505-6794 clantongraphics@yahoo.com Posts: 1736 | From: Conway Arkansas | Registered: Oct 2001
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Wow...a wonderful story so elequently unfolded.
Nobody likes to think about the topic of death, and although you never know "when" you will go, whether suddenly or with great forewarning....it's good to know that hospice can be such a meaninful benefit.
I look at death more as simply a re-birthing process into a new and everlasting existence, much akin to being born as an infant. I don't think babies come out crying because it was such a great experience in and of itself.
Time on earth as we know it always seems too short, whether it's 10 years or 100. Although my religious beliefs provide me great comfort for this unknown point in time, I certainly would cherish the thought of being surrounded by loved ones in a home setting as opposed to being alone and in a sterile white walled environment.
Good topic and thanks for sharing Mark.
-------------------- Todd Gill Outside The Lines Potterville, MI Posts: 7792 | From: Potterville, MI | Registered: Dec 2001
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Wow Mark! That was so beautifully put! We just lost my Mother-in-Law suddenly at the beginning of the month. I know the feeling about thing left unsaid. I can tell from your post that you really cared, and I hope that soon your memories will give you comfort. I believe that the people who really touch our lives become a part of who we are, and so Lisa will live on in her friends and loved ones. Sorry for your loss.
-------------------- “Did you ever stop to think, and forget to start again?” -Winnie the Pooh & A.A. Milne
Kelly Thorson Kel-T-Grafix 801 Main St. Holdfast, SK S0G 2H0 ktg@sasktel.net Posts: 5496 | From: Penzance, Saskatchewan | Registered: May 2002
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You have me in tears, Mark. I am in the middle of sorrow such as that, my brother was taken off chemo last week. Stage 4 lungcancer, in the brain and lymph nodes as well. You wrote a wonderful tribute, I am certain it helped you as much to craft it, than it does make some others think, and in my case it helps me grieve. Thanks!
-------------------- Myra A. Grozinger Signs Limited Winston-Salem, NC
signslimited@triad.rr.com Posts: 1244 | From: Winston-Salem, NC USA | Registered: Nov 1998
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very well put and always timely. Seeing both my parents both aging & losing health, I tried so hard to get them to discuss things with me or my brother, their wishes for the inevitable, but (my Mom) refused to even discuss the location of necessary paperwork, much less any "feelings" they had about it.
After my Mom passed I guess my Dad realized they were not going to live forever and was more helpful, but even his passing was a too early event due to a fall.
I made the decision long ago before I ever even had kids to be very open with them about death and the process of dying because of so many of my dearest friends from high school being tragically killed.
Some are never able to come to terms with death but it's so much a part of life.
Luke 21:28
-------------------- Signs Sweet Home Alabama
oneshot on chat
"Look like a girl, act like a lady, think like a man, work like a dog" Posts: 5758 | From: "Sweet Home" Alabama | Registered: Mar 2003
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Beautiful words. Somehow, we usually think that we have a lot of time left, when actually we have no guarantees.
Sometime I go I wrote on this BB about giving flowers to the living. Not real, physical flowers, but the nice things we say about people at the funeral. So many times I have heard the comment at a memorial service as to how people wished that they had said "thank you" and other words of appreciation while the person was still alive.
At Rick Glawson's funeral I challenged the people there not to let an opportunity go by to tell the folks close to them how much they are appreciated and loved. We lost Rick suddenly and many of us had intended to say the words or write the letter expressing how thankful we were to him....but he slipped away before we did it.
Most of us are uncomfortable expressing the feelings inside of us, so we just put it off. As we stand beside a coffin the words come out, but then it is too late.
Give those flowers to the living. Tell the people close to you how much you love them. You may get some weird looks, but I'll just bet the people hearing it will appreciate it. And you will be amazed at how much better it makes you feel inside.
And preparation for our own death needs to be made also. None of us are going to get out of this world alive.
-------------------- Chapman Sign Studio Temple, Texas chapmanstudio@sbcglobal.net Posts: 6306 | From: Temple, Texas, USA | Registered: Nov 1998
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After 41/2 yrs.of taking care of my Mom during her last days, words to describe my feelings escaped me completely. That was in '98, today brought forth the tears I've surpressed since then, thank you so much for touching a delicate subject w/so much class and honor. You've provided the words that put this time in reality, God bless you.
-------------------- Frank Magoo, Magoo's-Las Vegas; fmagoo@netzero.com "the only easy day was yesterday" Posts: 2365 | From: Las Vegas, Nv. | Registered: Jun 2003
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You've given your friend so much Honor...At 59 I see more and more of my friends and loved ones dying before what seems to be their time...this past year has been very hard to take with no less than a half dozen of these loved ones leaving us all behind to mourn their leaving.
My Mother is 80 now ...still driving...teaching remedial reading at an elementary school in a "grandmothers" program...she's very active and she's also very candid...I know exactly what she wants done when her time comes...I only pray it is both quick and peaceful...suffering is such a waste.
Thanks for the post Mark, it placed everything in just the right place this afternoon. Losing a friend is so very hard ...I'm glad you took time to make your feelings crystal clear with this post...I hope others take heed.
-------------------- "Werks fer me...it'll werk fer you"
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Thank you for sharing, Mark. I am sorry for your loss. I know that suffering seems senseless to many, but Mark has well expressed, how it can give us the chance to make things right, to "finish the race" with dignity and in peace. My dad had never told me, he loved me, or hugged me or anything, but when he was dying of cancer, he asked for me to come home. The first day, after I got there, he was still zooming around the house in the wheelchair, still very much in charge, the second day, he couldn't get up anymore, the third day, he couldn't look after his own medication anymore, and on the fourth day, he passed away. He had waited for me to come, and he wanted me by his side at the end. I've been walking around all of my adult life with a hidden hurt deep down, because I couldn't manage to bridge the distance that was always there between my parents and I, but the time I spent with them during those days made everything well. It may sound simplistic, but it's true and I felt it was a real blessing. I still grieve the loss, but I am free from any regret or resentment. Myra, may God give you strength and comfort in the days to come. Hopefully your brother will have little pain to deal with.
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Thank you Mark, I think about death often and tell everyone in my life that will listen that in the grand scheme of things we are only on this beautiful planet for a blink (even if its a hundred yrs) its never going to be long enough, live life everday, be the best that you can be, it isn't about how much money we make but the relationships and memories that we create, there are no "do overs". Thank you for sharing
-------------------- Dan Streicher Slidell, LA Posts: 445 | From: Slidell, LA | Registered: Feb 2004
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Thanks, Mark and all of you who have expressed posts on this. I am still dealing with the grief of my son's father and his good buddy he lost to depression last month. My son is doing much better now, keeping busy, but, it has been a rough haul. The stress of those left behind afterwards should be addressed. God Bless the souls of your loved ones, as they must be in peace as we have a wonderful Maker. He that created the rose, and a baby to be born, has an absolute wonderful plan for us for eternity, as tiny little miracles unfold with our lives also. May the Lord's face shine upon you and give you peace.
-------------------- Deb Fowler
"It's kind of fun to do the impossible - Walt Disney (1901-1966) Posts: 5373 | From: Loves Park, Illinois | Registered: Aug 1999
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Last week Megan brought a couple wookbooks with us on a road trip that deal with "Living Trusts." They bring you through some of the possibilities of such details so we can discuss them and decide on what we'd want in numerous situations. I had,nt wanted to deal with this stuff, but it surely will come.
-------------------- The SignShop Mendocino, California
Making the simple complicated is commonplace; making the complicated simple, awesomely simple, that's creativity. — Charles Mingus Posts: 6714 | From: Mendocino, CA. USA | Registered: Nov 1998
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i can so relate to this topic...i have a friend right as we speak who is in her last days...on the morphine drip. unfortunately she doesn't wish to see anyone at this point...we know the end is near. since my dad's suicide i've had a whole different outlook on life/death/this journey/our next journey. the soul and energy live on...this human shell is just a host for our short time here. i believe there are no accidents...we wrote our scripts b4 we got here. the best we can do is fulfill our dreams, create good energy, wish no ill will(as it comes back 10 fold) and have a good sense of humor. this has gotten me thru some dark days. thanks mark for sharing...i wondered why i didn't see you this weekend. for the same reason i was almost not able to go. your friend is in a much better place reuniting with other souls and planning her next journey...as far as she is concerned all her loved ones will soon join her...because even 60-80 years there is like a blink of an eye. i hope my friend doesn't have to suffer much longer. my condolences on your loss. stay strong and keep your energy open...i'm sure she is so happy to have such a wonderful friend!
-------------------- Karyn Bush Simply Not Ordinary, LLC Bartlett, NH 603-383-9955 www.snosigns.com info@snosigns.com Posts: 3516 | From: Bartlett, NH USA | Registered: Jan 2001
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