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Two old men feeling they are close to their last days on earth decided to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks they end up at the local brothel.The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, "go up to the first two rooms and put an inflated doll in each bed, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them". These two are so old and drunk they won't know the difference." The two men go up the stairs and take care of their business. As they are walking home the first one says,"You know, I think my girl was dead!""Dead?" says his friend, "why would you think that?""Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her.."His friend says, "I think mine was a witch." "A WITCH!!! Why the hell would you say that?""Well, I was making love to her, kissing on her neck and I gave it a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window.
-------------------- "Keep Positive"
SIGNS1st. Neil Butler Paradise, NF Posts: 6277 | From: St. John's NF Canada | Registered: Mar 1999
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A woman and a man are involved in a car accident. It's a bad one. Both of their cars are demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So, you're a man... That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
The man replied,"I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"
The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle... My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
She replies, "Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police..."
-------------------- "Keep Positive"
SIGNS1st. Neil Butler Paradise, NF Posts: 6277 | From: St. John's NF Canada | Registered: Mar 1999
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A gentleman went to the social security office to apply for social security. The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age.
He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet home. "I will have to go home and come back later."
The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed his Social Security application.
When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."
-------------------- Si Allen #562 La Mirada, CA. USA
(714) 521-4810
si.allen on Skype
siallen@dslextreme.com
"SignPainters do It with Longer Strokes!"
Never mess with your profile while in a drunken stupor!!!
Brushasaurus on Chat Posts: 8831 | From: La Mirada, CA, USA | Registered: Nov 1998
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A man had just finished showering and he went to don his briefs. he yelled out of the bedroom to his wife. "Honey, why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?" she replied, "I didn't, that is Miracle Grow." hee-hee.
Two old men are sitting on a bench, one asked, "How's your wife?" The other replied, "I think she's dead." The other said," Why would you think that?" He replied," The sex is the same,but the dishes are starting to stack up!" haa-haa, fiddles.
-------------------- Faye Welsh (fiddles) 4848 cherry street allison park, pa. 15101 fiddles51@yahoo.com Posts: 259 | From: 4848 Cherry St. Allison Park,Pa. 15101 | Registered: Dec 2001
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Living Statues Two beautiful statues in a park, facing each other across the grass, one of a young girl and the other of a young man, looking towards each other like young lovers. These statues gave so much pleasure to people visiting the park that God looked down and decided to reward them with life for 30 minutes, on a Sunday when the park was closed to the public.
Immediately when they came alive, they ran together into the bushes and could be heard giggling and cooing with pleasure and the bushes were shaking. After 15 minutes they came out and realized that they still had 15 minutes more life to live.
"What shall we do now then" said the boy statue. "Let's do the same thing again" she replied. "Okay", said the boy statue, "but this time, you hold the pigeons down while I poop on their heads!!!".
-------------------- Steve Burke Cascades Inc NS Canada
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving isn't for you Posts: 359 | From: NS Canada | Registered: Jan 2002
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Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. She went to tell Edna the news.
She said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good News is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad News is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself right after you saved Him with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead.
"Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.... How soon can I go home?"
-------------------- Si Allen #562 La Mirada, CA. USA
(714) 521-4810
si.allen on Skype
siallen@dslextreme.com
"SignPainters do It with Longer Strokes!"
Never mess with your profile while in a drunken stupor!!!
Brushasaurus on Chat Posts: 8831 | From: La Mirada, CA, USA | Registered: Nov 1998
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Guy had flat tire alongside of road next to state asylum. As he preceeded to fix flat, he noticed he had drawn a crowd on other side of fence, just watching him change tire. When it came time to re-install tire, he discovered that he had lost four lug-nuts somehow. While pondering what to do, one of the patients inside of fence, suggested he take one lug from each of the other wheels and install them so's he can get to store to purchase some more to replace those lost. The guy was amazed, "How come you're in there if you're this smart?" "Easy" replied patient, "I'm crazy, not stupid"!!!
-------------------- Frank Magoo, Magoo's-Las Vegas; fmagoo@netzero.com "the only easy day was yesterday" Posts: 2365 | From: Las Vegas, Nv. | Registered: Jun 2003
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Another Carlinism - reality + common sense = comedy
Political Joke
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered altitude & spotted a man below. she shouted to him," Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man tok out his portable GPS & replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, aproximately 30 feet above the ground, at an elevation of 2346 feet abofe sea level. You're at 31 Degrees 14.97 minutes north latitude, & 100 Degrees 49.09 minutes west longitude."
She rolled her eyes & said, "You must be a republican."
"I am," replied the man. "How did you know."
"Well" answered the balloonist, "Everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your imformation, & I'm still lost, frankly you have not been much help to me."
The man smiled & replied, "You must be a democrat."
"I am" replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"
"Well," the man said, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a great quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, & you expect me to solve your problem. You are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow you now feel it's my fault."
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