posted January 28, 2004 06:26 PM
If you were able to clone yourself, and you pushed your clone off of a tall building, would it be murder, suicide or an obscene clone fall.
-------------------- Bill Diaz Diaz Sign Art Pontiac IL www.diazsignart.com Posts: 2107 | From: Pontiac, IL | Registered: Dec 2001
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posted January 28, 2004 06:44 PM
Along those lines is one I read the other day
A group of Friars brainstormed as to how they could raise funds to keep their monastery functioning. They decided to sell flowers from their garden. They became very successful and opened up a shop outside the monastery and did a 'blooming' business. One day a flower shop owner from across town paid them a visit. He insisted that they shut down immediately as they were ruining his business. The Friars refused, explaining that this was keeping the monestary open. Over the next few weeks the owner repeatedly pleaded with the Friars to shut down, but to no avail. The owner then hired a big man named Hugh to solve his delemma. Hugh went over destroyed the shop, which put the Friars out of business permanently.
Hence the phrase
"Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent Florist Friars"
-------------------- "Are we having fun yet?" Peter Schuttinga DZines Sign Studio 1617 Millstream rd Victoria BC V9B-6G4 Posts: 521 | From: Victoria BC | Registered: Mar 2002
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A couple retired and moved to a South Pacific island. They ended up buying the former Kings place, which like all other buildings on the island was made of grass. The wife didn't like the idea of the King and Queens thrones still being in the living room, so she had the husband put them in the attic. A few months went by and the island was hit by a terrible typhoon. The house was destroyed, the couple was crushed to death by the thrones which came crashing down out of the attic...just goes to show ...people who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.
-------------------- George Perkins Millington,TN. goatwell@bigriver.net
"I started out with nothing and still have most of it left"
A couple retired and moved to a South Pacific island. They ended up buying the former Kings place, which like all other buildings on the island was made of grass. The wife didn't like the idea of the King and Queens thrones still being in the living room, so she had the husband put them in the attic. A few months went by and the island was hit by a terrible typhoon. The house was destroyed, the couple was crushed to death by the thrones which came crashing down out of the attic...just goes to show ...people who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.
-------------------- George Perkins Millington,TN. goatwell@bigriver.net
"I started out with nothing and still have most of it left"
posted January 29, 2004 12:20 PM
Back in 1973 during the first oil crisis, a mid-western Chevy dealer was dying financially. He had hundreds of vehicles that were no selling gas guzzlers. While strolling through his parking lot, lamenting his plight, he kicked a bottle and broke it. Out popped a Genie who granted him one wish. After much thought, he wished that he could be a foreign car dealer with more inventory than anyone else...this will surely cure my money woes. POOF
""Good judgment comes from experience; and a lot of that comes from bad judgment" - Will Rogers Posts: 3488 | From: Beautiful Newaygo, Michigan | Registered: Mar 2003
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posted January 29, 2004 03:29 PM
A woman walks into the drug store and tells the pharmacist she wants to buy some arsenic. He says, "What do you want with arsenic?" She said "I want to kill my husband because he cheats on me by having sex with another woman." The pharmacist says, "I can't sell you arsenic so you can kill your husband, lady, even if he is having sex with another woman." So she reaches into her pocket and pulls out a picture of her husband having sex with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist says "Oh, I didn't realize you had a prescription."
-------------------- Jane Diaz Diaz Sign Art 628 W. Lincoln Ave. Pontiac, Il. 61764 815-844-7024 www.diazsignart.com Posts: 4102 | From: Pontiac, IL USA | Registered: Feb 1999
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posted January 29, 2004 05:03 PM
Neurosurgeons have discovered that there is a nerve that directly connects the eyeball to the anus. They've tentatively identified it as the anal-optic nerve. They have speculated that in most folks it's dormant, but in some folks, it's responsible for them having a $hitty outlook on life. If you want to prove it's existance, pull a single hair from youe a$$, and see if that doesn't bring a tear to your eye.
-------------------- Ken Henry Henry & Henry Signs London, Ontario Canada (519) 439-1881 e-mail: kjmlhenry@rogers.com
Why do I get all those on-line offers to sell me Viagara, when the only thing hardening is my arteries ? Posts: 2684 | From: London,Ontario, Canada | Registered: Feb 1999
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posted January 29, 2004 11:16 PM
Artie wasn't the sharpest knife in the drawer. One day he needed money to buy a sign from Old Paint so he decided to rob the grocery store. He had no gun or knife so he strangled the cashier, the produce manager and the butcher and only found one buck in the register. Naturally he was caught. The headline next day was......
Artie chokes three for a dollar at the market.
-------------------- Dennis Goddard
Gibsonton Fl Posts: 1050 | From: Tampa Fl USA | Registered: Apr 2000
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posted January 30, 2004 07:18 AM
In honor of the big game this weekend........... ......................................
Fart Football
A little old couple prepares to go to bed. They no sooner hit the pillows when the old man farts and says, "Seven Points."
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football."
few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score."
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7."
Not to be outdone, the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14."
Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beat by a woman, so he strains real hard, but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally he craps in the bed.
The wife says, "What the hell was that?"
The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."
-------------------- Compulsive, Neurotic, Anti-social and Paranoid ... but basically Happy Posts: 2677 | From: Rochester, NY, USA | Registered: Nov 1998
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posted January 30, 2004 07:43 AM
The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, & the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked & depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning & live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store & thought, "That's what I need - a new suit." He entered the shop & told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly & said, "Let's see...size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment & then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe & said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve & 16-1/2 neck." Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the shirt, & it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll & said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe's feet & said, "Let's see...9-1/2 E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the shoes & they fit perfectly. He walked comfortably around the shop & the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second & said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist & said, "Let's see...size 36." Joe laughed "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine & give you one hell of a headache."
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