I know this is long, but I haven't laughed this much in a while - and I look forward to use some of these ideas. Forgive me for not telling which ones ----------------------------------------------- Use a husky, dirty phone sex voice but ask normal questions about the proposed offer.“Is it a low interest rate? mmmmm…I like low interest rates…I like them really low…”
Be incredibly polite as they explain their offer, but make farting noises once in a while and ask whether there is something wrong with the connection.
Flirt.
Keep repeating, “I knew you were going to say that…”
Stutter on a syllable of an obvious word in a sentence… see how long it takes before he completes the phrase. When he does, get upset, and say “That really hurts my fee…fee… fee… fee…feel…fee… fee… fee…” ad infinitum.
Pee on the phone while he’s talking.
Mid pitch, stop him and complement him on his wonderful voice. Explain that you are a voiceover scout and might have a breakthrough commercial job for him. Ask if to do a quick test. Ask him to say in a deep husky voice “May cause dizziness, diarrhea, vomiting and shortness of breath, painful urination and hair loss. Results may vary”
Ask how much it would take to get him to stop working as a telemarketer. Start the offer at $1000. Say you are dead serious.
Ask if he will be your friend if you sign up.
Every few minutes repeat, “You’re going to have to bear with me, I have a slight short term memory loss problem…who is this again?”
Regardless of the offer tell him you’ll take 7. If he asks what you mean say he drives a hard bargain and you’ll take 9, but that’s as far as you’ll go.
Every half-minute ask him to hold and pretend to scream at your invalid mother. “You want to use the bathroom??? Well stop whining and get up out of the wheelchair for a change. Don't just sit there, mother. Can’t you see I’m on the damn phone?”
Forgive him. Tell him you did. Over and over again, until he hangs up.
Posted by Bob Ficucell (Member # 1460) on :
Thanks Myra, I laughed so hard I was drinking and it came out my nose !!
Posted by Donna in BC (Member # 130) on :
Oh man, I can't stop laughing!!!! Brilliant!
Posted by DianeBalch (Member # 1301) on :
We always practice our sales pitch on them.
When you ask them to buy a sign it throws them completely off their script and they get lost.
ernie
Posted by Matty McQuilkin (Member # 4156) on :
Marya, You will just have to pick me up of the floor. I haven't laughed so much this early in the morning for so long. great start to the Day. Thanks Posted by Troy Haas (Member # 472) on :
Phone Company Telemarketers are my favorite, usually goes something like this:
Them: "This is is So-and-So from XZY phone company"
Me: Uh-Huh
Them: "Let me ask you, How much do you normally spend on long distance each month?"
Me: "Oh, about $300-400.00 a month"
BIG PAUSE
Them: $300-400 a month????(you can hear the cash register)
Me: Yes
Them: Where do you call???
Me: I dunno
(by this time they are way off thier script and flustered and I go for the kill)
Them: Do you call over-sea's???
Me: I dunno, Where ever 900 operators are...
Them: 900 ????
Me: Yea, you know I call them up and they start talking dirty to me while I masterbate...
At this point I don't stop talking, I just get more graphic and crude until they give up and hang up. Sometimes I ask them to help me out and try to get them to talk dirty, all the while of course I make more and more sounds as if I am masterbating.
The hardest part is trying to keep a staight face while my wife is sitting there laughing, because she knows what I am doing to this poor person. Posted by DONALD THOMPSON (Member # 3726) on :
Thanks Myra
Troy, That is hilarious.
Posted by Dave Grundy (Member # 103) on :
Troy, when I am in the mood, and don't just hang up on them, I use two variations of the same theme.
For the women callers I start by asking their hair colour and work my way to what colour panties they are wearing and what their cup size is.
For the men callers I adopt my best lisping voice and enquire about THEIR cup size and ask if they could give me their home number so we can arrange to get together.
Shirley expects me to get a visit from the local police over this but I figure since they called me to harrase me, they can't really phone the police and complain that I am harrasing them!
Next time I'm in the mood, Troy, I'll try your method!!!! Posted by Michael Clanton (Member # 2419) on :
For phone co., I let them go thru there sales pitch, then when they get to the part of closing the deal, I just say " I'm sorry, I don't own a phone"- This usually confuses them and they apologize and hang up. My wife thinks that is hysterical- just imagining the look on there face after they hang up.
Posted by Curtis hammond (Member # 2170) on :
my manager ketp them on da phone last week for over 20 mins.. I loved it. then when they finally got to the credit card part ,, he said " here I'll let you talk to the owner.. Marketer was furious.
Posted by Si Allen (Member # 420) on :
I love it when they ask for Mr. Signs!
I say "Just a moment please" and then yell "Mr. Signs...a call for you!" then I wait a minute or two then say "Allowww?" I then start speaking in Arabic, with German, French, plus a lil Spanish and Italian mixed in...but mostly gibberish. Try to keep them on as long as possible!
Posted by Dave Draper (Member # 102) on :
Those are some very funny and creative ways to deal with those calls.
We have caller ID so I can tell that all telemarketing calls come up "OUT OF AREA"
I start speaking to them in jibberish, like some alien launguage from the movie STAR GATE. Something like this:
"A biddie so ummma? Ya la who kay tah? Nider sue krite undone....yi yi yi....how do you say.....kilet de sue havola? Kaputa!
One time, they picked up on what I was doing and scat talked back to me. I couldn't contain myself and broke out laughing and hung up.
Just a word of caution, these people are just trying to make a living...and its a numbers game for them...as every so many calls they will get a sell. But remember, they do have your number and access to other information about you...they may do something to get even if you really get them ticked off at you. On NPR radio, a show called "This American Life" had an entire segment devoted to the experiences of a telemarketer. She related all the crap they hear, and they have heard it all. And She revealed how her co-workers have thought up ways to get back at those rude ones, at the risk of losing their dead end minimum wage job. After she quit her job, there was one name she wrote down, the name of a particular rude individual, and vowed if she ever got a chance, she would get even with him.
[ December 19, 2003, 01:16 PM: Message edited by: Dave Draper ]
Posted by Curtis hammond (Member # 2170) on :
I hate them all. Especially the fax spammers. They have no manners , are crude reprobate savages. No matter if its their job. Its a hazard of duty. just like the painters who spray. They must put up with the dangers and so should the telemarketers. They brought in all on themselves with their multidialers and hang ups, and other tactics.
They call you looking for a answering machine but hang up if u answer bcause its illegal to call you.
They lie about doing previous business with you. They avoid your requests to be left alone just so they can say they called 1 million numbers.
To bad but their arrogance has brought this on themselves. They have nor rights to call any ones home at all times they feel they want. Good riddance to em all.
Posted by Sheila Ferrell (Member # 3741) on :
...I'm sorry Dave, that these individuals chose quite possibly to become the most hated people on earth to try to make a living. You wonder why this form of selling does not go completely out of existence since I have never met or heard of one living person who buys from any telemarketer. Apparently, they are jobs created by companies who WANT/NEED to go bankrupt.
MYRA! I'm surprised! I think some of these people are homeless/druggies/handicapped... an' here we are making fun of them an' being creative about ways to torture them! That s'ed, here's a coupl'a more if yer not into temptin' them sexually . . .careful with that . . . they got yer address too, LOL.
When they call as a handicapped person I always sweetly inquire into exactly what their handicap is . . . seems like they always hang up on me then!! The one exception to this was the guy who admitted he had no handicap he just got out'a prison and this was ALL he could find to do, LOL, I bought the stupid light bulbs. sheesh! Guy caught me completely off-guard with his lyin' honesty.
Sometimes I get the one who's the bouncy, outgoing, overly-excited college kid, they go:
"HI-EEEE!! THIS IS CINDY WITH MCI!!"
an' I reply just as enthusiastically: "HEY-EEEE!! THANKS FOR CALLIN"!! click.
Thanks Myra for the chuckles.
Posted by Kissymatina (Member # 2028) on :
I was in a rather strange mood one night when the phone company called... after listening to them go through their little speech (actually, I set the phone on the counter til it got quiet) I started asking them questions they had to have answered in their speech. I picked about a dozen cities and inquired as to exactly what the rate was to each at different times, will this come on my regular phone bill or a seperate bill (asked about 3 times), a bunch of babble. When I could tell they had were getting frustrated at me and couldn't think of any more questions to ask, I asked about their "friends & family program". I kept talking while they told me that was a different company, pretending I didn't hear them.
I went on to tell them I think I'd be really interested in friends & family cause I grew up an only child and lived in the country & was really lonely growing up cause I didn't have any neighbors close enough to visit and had to entertain myself and I always wanted a brother. I explained that I used to think I wanted a sister, but if I had a sister she'd probably be all girly & I'm a tomboy so I think I'd get along better and have more fun with a brother. Then I started debating with myself as to the benefits and drawbacks of having a brother vs. a sister and whether I would want that to be an older or younger sibling. Sometime during my rant, they hung up. Posted by Bruce Williams (Member # 691) on :
Telemarketers are lower than a snake's belly in a ditch. Whoever chooses to pester innocent people for money is a parasite.
Last time I played with one of those vermin, decades ago, they were selling cemetery plots. I acted most receptive, even friendly. Got that monkey to disclose the company-owner's name, street address, phone number.
Next day I called him. "Last night at supper, our little daughter answered the phone, and one of your hustlers tried to sell her a grave! She's been absolutely terrified of death ever since her grandmother died last week, Now she's hysterical and back in therapy, and what will you do about it? Our attorneys will be asking you pretty soon."
Posted by Mark Perkins (Member # 296) on :
When they call I tell them I need their name and credit card info before we start talking LOL most hang up but one dude did stay on long enough to ask if I was serious Posted by Ray Rheaume (Member # 3794) on :
My favorite way to handle those pesky telemarketers....
"Hello?"
Hi, this is _____ from "the Annoying Call Group" and I'd like..."
*click*
Not very funny or creative, but, believe me, it saves time and works quite well.
I do have some other solutions for telemarketing callers, but most of them are considered illegal in all 50 states and the rest have been condemned by the Geneva convention as "Cruel and unusual punishment"...
Rapid
[ December 20, 2003, 06:15 PM: Message edited by: Ray Rheaume ]
Posted by Bob Stephens (Member # 858) on :
When they ask for me by name or the owner I explain to them that I am temporarily answering the phone and that the person they want to speak with was killed two days ago with his family in a tragic automobile accident.
At this point they feel so terrible that they nearly fall over apologizing for calling under such terrible circumstances. They can't hang up fast enough.
Posted by Bruce Bowers (Member # 892) on :
I used to do a lot of different things to the telemarketers but now I just thank them for taking the time to call and hang up.
Maybe this approach isn't as fun and sure as heck sound as mean and nasty as some of the responses but it does work for me.
Hey, I am a basically nice guy.... LOL!
Posted by Ian Stewart-Koster (Member # 3500) on :
Ditto, Bruce! "No thank you, goodbye" works for me everytime but once- the dill didn't believe I had enough laser toner already to last me about five years, and wanted to sell me more, for over twice what it cost me. She wouldn't take no for an answer so I hung up. She was a weirdo.
Posted by Bruce Williams (Member # 691) on :
Well, all I can say to US residents is Get on FTC's Do Not Call list, and your state's if available. If nothing else, it's a good start.
Posted by Kissymatina (Member # 2028) on :
Not sure if the Federal Do Not Call list has the same exclusions as our state one does. I signed up for the state list on the first day it was available (before the federal one was in existence). Yeah, I saw a decrease in telemarketer calls but I still get some. I saw a HUGE increase in calls from politicians trying to get me to vote for them. For at least a week before elections, I get at least 1 recorded call a day from somone trying to get me to vote for Joe Schmoe. Seems politicians made themselves exempt from the law when they wrote it, how nice. The absolute worst has to be our Fraternal Order of Police. Every year they have a country music show and call asking you to buy tickets, er donate to them. You have to be rude to these people because when you tell them "I'm not interested, please put this number on the do not call list" they think it means "call me back in an hour".
Posted by Stephen Deveau (Member # 1305) on :
Myra
My wife has a great one for the newspaper salesperson..
They will call and ask if she like a free Newspaper. She'll answer with a question of.. Does it come with Brail Pictures!......As they say No! She replies that she is blind. But please send it anyway as she can use it for a bottom liner for the CatBox.......... Posted by Bruce Williams (Member # 691) on :
Kissymatina said:
Not sure if the Federal Do Not Call list has the same exclusions as our state one does. I signed up for the state list on the first day it was available (before the federal one was in existence). ------------------------- Exclusions-schmoozions. I'll throw everything at them that I can grab. Raise hell, and any stick to hit a dog. -------------------------
Yeah, I saw a decrease in telemarketer calls but I still get some. I saw a HUGE increase in calls from politicians trying to get me to vote for them. ------------------------- Politicians are exempt in Kentucky too. Whichever hacks want to defy 50 million voters, let 'em. What they're saying is "Screw you're No-Call List! We're comin' in, and yer gonna listen!"
Oh really? We shall see.
Posted by Cam Bortz (Member # 55) on :
1) Long Distance Company(LDC): "We'd like to offer you a rate plan of five cents per minute"
Me: "Five Cents? You can do better than that! XYZ company offered me seven cents!" I tell them another company is paying me seven cents a minute to call long distance, but if they'll pay 10 cents a minute, I'll switch. Then I start asking for a signing bonus, start demanding money in advance, and so on.
2) Tell them they've reached the express order line for Finest Kind Signs, may I please have your credit-card number and expiration date. When they explain they aren't calling to order, get angry with them, ask them why they are tying up the order line? Demand a CC number again. Repeat till they hang up.
3) Get a genuine Acme Thunderer Genuine English Police Whistle, which possibly produces the most decibels per gram of any manmade object. Save it for the twit who actually calls back after you've hung up.
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