Sheila emailed this morning, to let us know her father passed away, and asked me to post this for her.
--------------------------------------------- Date: Sun, 7 Dec 2003 01:25:18 -0800 (PST) From: sheila ferrell <sgnldy2003@yahoo.com> Subject: Re: UPDATE (and filibuster on the grieving process...)
I'm so sorry that it has been so long since I've been able to get my mail . . . .Thank you all so much for the prayers and faith. Because He works all things together for good . . . my Daddy passed away November 30th at 12:27am. I was with him in birmingham in the ICU when he drew his last breaths. He had been sleeping a lot for 3 days and he seemed to go easily in his sleep. He was 81. He had a Military funeral fitting of such a great man. They had "roll call" and we let Vince Gill sing "Go rest high" at the end of the church memorial and they did the 21 gun salute and played taps graveside. My brother recieved the flag and properly saluted him. He's also gonna write all the things he read at the funeral about all the missions my dad flew as a flying tiger and how he was shot down 3 times and all. I'm so sorry that I have not been on the BB to put it up . . . . my brother, his wife and all our kids are gone home today(to Texas, Missouri & Ft. Riley) after going thru a lot of stuff here in my Dad's house. . . .even my 9 yr. old is out of town tonight. This is really the first chance I've had to go thru e-mail.
I gave myself permission to cry: I stayed gone all day yesterday riding the dirt roads and hanging out in the woods. I got tired of watching everyone go thru stuff and telling wonderful family stories. They were'nt acting like vultures or doin' anything wrong. It was just me. In my family, I am, apparantly noted as being the "strong, unmoveable, rock-solid, highly responsible, pillar-matriarch", so, if I even teared-up I disgusted everyone. And they also found great disdain in the fact that I just wanted to hang out on the couch in my pajamas and stare at TV and not eat a ton of food. I ate, I thought, fairly normally, but not enough for them. It is also extra difficult to be known as a comedian during these times because, suddenly, everyone thinks it's their job to make you laugh, simply because they are very uncomfortable with you abandoning your "role" and are afraid you will be unable to be funny ever again. So, if you won't assume the proper work of making yourself and others laugh they are going to MAKE you, which is comparable to "making" an inmate enjoy doing time.
Man. It was like: "YOU WILL GET UP" "YOU WILL NOT CRY" "YOU WILL GET DRESSED" "YOU WILL EAT AS MUCH AS WE SAY YOU CAN" "YOU WILL LAUGH AND WE WILL MAKE YOU LOVE IT".
It's the unwritten "comandments of grief" syndrom.
"Thou shalt never let anyone see thee cry, therefore, thou shalt not grieve or even have lumps in thy throat"
"If thou hath a lump in thine throat, thou shalt choke thyself completey"
"Thou shalt only communicate thru humorous jokes or stories. Thou shalt at all times BE the funny monster that thou hath created"
"If thou art about to spill tears, thou shalt lie (for this thing only) and say that thou hast need to sneeze"
Well, anyway, the "greiving process" is WHAT EVER IT IS for YOU. Don't let nobody lock you in a box of what their idea of it is . . . . . . . actually, that applies to a lot of areas of life
Don't kno' when I'll get back on here again . . . gotta pack everything that was left, sell all the furniture and the house and seriously consider going back to work.
Thanks again for all the prayers and phone calls . . . it really means a lot . . . .see, hug, kiss ya'll in person at the Dixie meet.
Barb, can you "paste" my letter into the BB? You can use my subject title as a "topic" .
Posted by jimmy chatham (Member # 525) on :
Shelia i know what you are going thru. my prayers are with you. just remember he is not suffering anymore.
Posted by Kimberly Zanetti (Member # 2546) on :
Dear Sheila,
First of all, you have my deepest sympathies on the loss of your father. I won't say I know what you're feeling but I can say - 'been there.
This Tuesday will be two years that my father passed away.
Isn't it just AMAZING that other people develop these preconceived notions of how you should grieve? I come from this VERY emotional, melodramatic family and I am usually the one who keeps it together. I seem to have gotten the bulk of the "practical" genes in my family. If there is a problem, I try and solve it instead of coming unglued.
My father had been sick for a very long time before he died. I did a great deal of my grieving during that time. When he did finally die, I had an overwhelming amount of stuff to take care of so I took a deep breath and took care of it. I think that there were many people who expected me to fall apart. It was almost like it was the only acceptable way to react.
The point of this long-winded comment is simply to tell you that only you can know what works for you. It will hit you when you least expect it. You'll hear a song or see something that will remind you all over again what you have lost.
Hang in there.
Posted by dave parr (Member # 3868) on :
Sheila,
We are looking forward to your return, ...in your time. Posted by Rick Chavez (Member # 2146) on :
I have learned so much, when my wife lost her father last month, she still grieves. I am so sorry for your loss, thank you for sharing, just a glimpse, of the man that he was. His greatest honor is you, being there with him as he took his lat breath, your greatest gift to him. Only you will know how to grieve, allow yourself that in your own way. I'm sure you will be very busy taking care of things, I hope you can have the strength and courage to do that, taking care of such a heavy responsibility, you will be in our thoughts, awaiting your return.
Posted by Jillbeans (Member # 1912) on :
Sheila... You have my sympathy, girl. It is hard to lose a Daddy- life is never the same afterwards. It takes a long time to feel normal again, and it really never goes away. Like Kimberly said, even a simple song can choke you up. I am sure that your father was a wonderful man. He will live again in your heart through your memories and stories that you will pass along. It is hard to live in a big family where you are categorized into being what others think you should be. I got yelled at for not crying when my dad died in a boating accident. What good would it have done? I shed panicked tears when he went missing, but tears at his funeral would not make him return. If you have to, please tell your family to leave you to your grief (in kind words) Hopefully they will appreciate your honesty. No person has the right to dictate to another how they should feel. Each person needs to handle grief in their own way. Nothing is worse than or leaves a bigger hole in our lives than the death of a loved one. Please know that many others empathize with you and hope that in time, you will heal in the manner that suits you the best. Love- JILL
Posted by PKing (Member # 337) on :
I will pray that God will be with you at this time in your life. Posted by Delzell (Member # 1965) on :
Sheila,
Sorry for the loss of your Father. Your words brought tears to my eyes as you described many feelings that I have been having. My Dad died August 24th. Being the oldest does not mean we are the strongest at tise point in time. I have been spending time going to movies alone. And going thru old things like photos.
Take care of your self and do what is best for you right now,
Debbie
Posted by Frank Magoo (Member # 3950) on :
Sorry for your loss, memories are very precious now. I have lost both of my folks and understand your process and am in total agreement w/it. Thank you for putting it into print. But the real reason for this reply is the connection realized by your post, my great-uncle (still living-85) is also a surviving flying tiger. He has a ton of stories of their feats over Burma and such during the war with Japan. I declare my respect for your dad as readily as I do for my uncle, these guys were "real" hero's, not a watered down version society seems to be happy with these days. God bless you and may He be with you during your mourning.
Posted by Ray Rheaume (Member # 3794) on :
Sheila,
Sorry for you loss and will definitely have a hug waiting for you at the Dixie meet.
Rapid
Posted by Janette Balogh (Member # 192) on :
So sorry Sheila, my heart goes out to you girl.
Nettie
Posted by Suelynn Sedor (Member # 442) on :
Sheila,
Sorry about your Dad! The upcoming holidays will be tough for you and your family this year. I hope fond memories will help get you through.
Suelynn
Posted by Jane Diaz (Member # 595) on :
Sheila, sorry for the loss of your Dad. I just lost my Dad the first part of October and it still hurts and probably always will, to some extent. You just need to take time to grieve the way YOU need to. No one can tell you how that is. Everyday it will get a little easier and you will be able to remember him with laughter and fond stories instead of tears. I still cry for my Dad but I also remember what a character he was and how much fun I had when I was with him. Hang in there....I know where you are at. IT WILL get better! GOOD thoughts are coming your way!
Posted by Gail & Dave Beattie (Member # 572) on :
the freedom to feel as you feel, is so very important for all of us
my dad died 21 years ago... gee that sounds a long time when you see it written, but it is only a moment of memory away
likewise are the moments of when I was 3 and he taught me to fish, with a small fish already on the line, it look ages for me to figure out I already had caught one!
when I was 7 and he showed so much pride in my school book that he took it to work at the factory to show the people there
when I was 14 and asked to be taught to drive (as my older brother was being at the time) and my dad handed me a jack and wheel brace and said change every tyre and then we'll talk
your personal rythm will dictate when you feel like crying or laughing and when you need the aloneness to think
I was daddy's girl all my life and after my parents split, when my mother was at her lowest, she said I didn't understand how she felt because I was the strong one who always coped
I wondered then if she had any idea of who I really was, or what my life was like
it is that sense of 'they don't know me at all' that seems to hurt more than anything else
we can cope with loss, we can cope with tragedy, we can even cope with taking care of all the details that have to be attened too
but it is so very hard to cope with the realisation that no one sees us as we truly are at these times in our lives
it seems we have to behave as they have conditioned themselves to beleive we would or they can't cope!
I love the family I came from but I realised a long time ago that they are just 'familiar strangers' in my life, and that I was the only one who could give myself permission to be me, regardless of their confusion when I did.
Many peoples thoughts are with you now Sheila and all the energy we can send comes to support your spirit, while you allow yourself to feel just as you feel at any given moment, knowing that there are people who do understand and applaud you for who you truley are.
love gail
[ December 08, 2003, 09:45 PM: Message edited by: Gail & Dave Beattie ]
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UPDATE (and filibuster on the grieving process...) ![[Frown]](frown.gif)