A man decided to try his dream of skydiving. His training goes well, and he's not nervous about flying, so the next thing he knows he is up in a plane ready to jump. With a loud yell he hurls himself out of the plane, waits the appropriate time and pulls the cord. Nothing. He pulls the emergency cord. Nothing. Now he is getting worried, and he is rocketing toward the ground! Just then he sees to his surprise a woman rocketing up TOWARD him!! As they pass, he yells "hey, know anything about parachutes?" She yells back "No...know anything about gas barbecues?"
Posted by pierre (Member # 1462) on :
Cruising through the woods on their motorcycle, she taps him on the shoulder and sez, "I REALLY have to go. Would you stop please?" He pulls over and she says,"Do you have any toilet paper?" "Where would I get any toilet paper out here? Use a couple of dollars."
She's returning, muttering and stamping her feet, very angry. "GREAT idea, you moron! Now I have crap all over my fingers and a stack of quarters stuck in my butt!"
Posted by Ryan Ursta (Member # 1738) on :
HA HA HA good one!
If at first you dont succeed.....SKYDIVING isnt for you!
Posted by Jim Upchurch (Member # 209) on :
BOSTON, MASSACHUSETTS- Cardinal Bernard Law of the archdiocese of Boston held a press conference on Wednesday to announce strict new rules to curb pedophilia among its priests, saying that from now on decades-long campaigns of molestation are a "no no."
To prove their sincerity, the Cardinal has authorized some drastic changes:
- Priests will no longer be allowed to refer to their room in the parish rectory as "the land of magical enchantment." - NAMBLA has been asked to hold their meetings elsewhere. - Would-be altar boys are no longer required to list their "turn-ons" and "turn-offs" on the application. - Counseling sessions will no longer be held at Vic's Velvet Spike. - Any priests found giving out erotic Pez dispensers will be seriously chastised. - The parochial school's wrestling coach will no longer be permitted to wrestle with the boys- even while fully clothed. - The "Free Candy and A Dark Van" ministry has been cancelled.
Posted by Todd (Member # 2373) on :
(A friend sent me this one. Had to share.)
"JESUS IN KENTUCKY"
"An Irishman with a bad leg hobbled into a restaurant one afternoon. He painfully sat down at a booth and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over there?" The waitress nodded so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee too.
The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth and asked the waitress for a glass of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked "Is that Jesus over there?" The waitress nodded so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea too.
The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Hillbilly from Eastern Kentucky. He swaggered over to a booth, sat down and hollered "Hey there sweet thing, how's about getting me a cold glass of RC Cola!". He too looked across the restaurant and asked "Is that God's boy over there?" The waitress nodded so the Hillbilly said to give Jesus a cold glass of RC Cola too.
As Jesus got up to leave He passed by the Irishman and touched him and said "For your kindness, you are healed." The Irishman felt the strength come back into his leg and got up and danced a jig out the door.
Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Englishman felt his back straightening up and he raised up his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door.
Then Jesus walked towards the Hillbilly. The Hillbilly jumps up and yells, "Hey man don't touch me... I'm drawing disability!"
