Old man Johnson limped into the doctor's office and said, "Doc, my
knee
>hurts so bad, I can hardly walk!"
>
>The doctor slowly eyed him from head to toe, paused and then said,
"Mr.
>Johnson, just how old are you?"
>"98!" Johnson announced proudly.
>
>The doctor just sighed, and looked at him again. . .
>
>Finally he said, "Sir, I'm sorry. I mean, just look at you. You're
>practically one hundred years old, and you're complaining that your
knee
>hurts? Well, what did you expect?"
>
>The old man said, "Well, my other knee is 98 years old too, and it
don't hurt.
Posted by Mike Languein (Member # 319) on :
I went to my doctor the other day and he asked me what did I come in about? I said "I'm here about a weak back" "When did THAT start?" "Oh, about a week back."
_______________
I said "Doc, how do I stand?" he said "That's what puzzles me..."
_______________
Oh, THAT henny Youngman
Posted by Si Allen (Member # 420) on :
Hehehehehehe....this was sent to me by a young lady, who shall remain nameless
A 75 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 75 year old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this... "First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Earleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeez'n it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied,
"Yep, but no matter what we tried we still couldn't get the jar open!!!"
[ January 05, 2002: Message edited by: Si Allen ]
Posted by John Martin Robson (Member # 1686) on :
True story
I helped an old street person one day……….he was kinda hurtin bad. He had this pain in his side. So I drove him to the hospital, helped him in through the in-patient doors. A nurse greeted us……..she was familiar with this old character and said something to the affect………….” So Joe, how long have you had this pain in your side” old Joe said ……………”oh, about 9 years”…………..the nurse looked at me and we just smiled………….It was a priceless moment.
Si.........that was classic
[ January 05, 2002: Message edited by: John Martin Robson ]
[ January 05, 2002: Message edited by: John Martin Robson ]
[ January 06, 2002: Message edited by: John Martin Robson ]
Posted by Ken Henry (Member # 598) on :
A Senior in his 90's goes to the doctor for his check-up and complains that he's been getting a sharp stabbing pain in his eye whenever he has a cup of coffee. The doctor checks his current medication he's been taking to be sure that it isn't some drug interaction, but finds nothing there.After some questioning, he can find nothing that should be medically causing such a complaint. While they wait for the receptionist to fill out his prescriptions, the doc offers his patient a coffee, to observe first hand what is causing this reaction. It's then he realizes that his patient is failing to remove the spoon before taking his first sip.
Posted by Linda Seymour (Member # 1904) on :
That was a good one Si! Ive kept this one for ages now, it really cracked me up. As with yours its not what you expect. I hope it doesn't offend. Just goes to show how people jump to conclusions; CIGARETTE COVERS> > > > Two elderly ladies were outside their nursing home, > > having a smoke, > > when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled > > out a condom, cut > > off the end, put it over her cigarette, and > > continued smoking. > > > > The lady asked, "What's that?" > > > > "A condom," the other lady responded. "This way my > > cigarette doesn't > > get wet." > > > > "Where did you get it?" the other lady asked. > > > > "You can get them at any drugstore." > > > > The next day, the first lady hobbled herself down to > > the local > > drugstore and announced to the pharmacist that she > > wants a box of > > condoms. The guy looked at her kind of strangely > > (she is, after all, > > over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand > > she prefers. > > > > "It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel." > > > > The pharmacist fainted.
Posted by Kathy Joiner (Member # 1814) on :
Doc got a patient in the emergency room that had purple hair styled in a mohawk. She had body piercings and far out clothing. Immediately it was determined that she needed an emergency appendectomy. On the operating table the staff laughed when they saw that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it was a tatoo that read "keep off the grass". After surgery was completed the doctor wrote a note on her dressing that read, "Sorry I had to mow the lawn."
Posted by Mark Neurohr (Member # 2470) on :
One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemedlike the perfect gift! "How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked,excitedly."Well, he needs to have his feet warmed, so simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet," was the shop owner's reply. The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot. Chet began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..." The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with: " Silent Night. Holy Night..." The young man was so impressed that he paid the shopkeeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed.
"How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?" "No," the young man replied, "but he can sing. Let me show you." So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shopkeeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!..." The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came: "Silent Night. Holy night..." The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between his legs?"The man did not know. "Let's try it." He answered,eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter between Chet's legs.
Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly like it was the performance of his life:
"Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire..." >
Posted by cheryl nordby (Member # 1100) on :
A bit off-color but I thought it was funny,
> > > > >> Actual ad in the New York Times: > > > > >> > > > >FOR SALE BY OWNER > > > > >> Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. > > > > >> 45 volumes. Excellent condition. > > > > >> $1,000 or best offer. > > > > >> No longer needed. > > > > >> Got married last weekend. > > > > >> Wife knows ****ing everything.
Posted by Bernice Tornquist (Member # 16) on :
This lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I hurt everywhere." She points to her arm, and says, "Owch, it hurts". Points to her side, again with the same exclamation. Points to her knee with the same reaction. The doctor said to her, "You wouldn't happen to be Polish?" She said, "Yes, I am, doctor". He said, "Well, you've got a broken finger".
