History began some 12,000 years ago. Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer & would go to the coast & live on fish & lobster in winter.
The 2 most important events in all of history were the invention of beer & the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization & together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into 2 distinct subgroups: Liberals & Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered it required grain & that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking & killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as "the Conservative movement."
Other men who were weaker & less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's & doing the sewing, fetching & hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as 'girleymen.'
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy & group hugs & the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat & beer that conservatives provided.
Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, & French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting revolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men.
Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood & group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat & still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, soldiers, athletes & generally anyone who works productively outside government.
Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" the producers & decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tame & created a business of trying to get MORE for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history.
Liberals....before you start whining...IT"S A JOKE!!
Posted by Kimberly Zanetti (Member # 2546) on :
So THAT explains why I can't even stand the SMELL of beer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Posted by Jane Diaz (Member # 595) on :
I'm SOOOOO glad your back, Si! Posted by Bob Rochon (Member # 30) on :
I need a new laptop now and a fresh cup of coffee
[ May 31, 2005, 05:57 PM: Message edited by: Bob Rochon ]
Posted by Fred Floyd (Member # 2251) on :
hahahahaha Si thanks for the history lesson. Glad to see you back. Blessings my friend.
Fred
Posted by Bill Diaz (Member # 2549) on :
I love history. You have inspired me once again, Si. I'm going to make myself a batch of beer, ride an elephant into the woods and blast away a few deer. My testosterone levels are going through the roof just thinking about it.
Where's that woman of mine? AArrgghh - AArrgghh - AArrgghh!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Posted by Ken Henry (Member # 598) on :
Mid-20th Century dawns,and food nutritionists analyze beer and find that it's fattening. Brewers respond to this bit of negative information by developing "Light Beer". A closely guarded secret is that "light beer" is actually normal beer that has been filtered through a human kidney. Posted by Curtis hammond (Member # 2170) on :
I love the smell of testosterone poisoning in the morning..
Nothing better that to hunt down my own food, scalp my own tofu's and make body noises with the gasses developed from eating fresh red meat and drinking good ol' American made beer.
Posted by Santo (Member # 411) on :
I believe you have been eating the mushrooms growing out of Whitie's cow pies.
Posted by Bill Modzel (Member # 22) on :
Thanks Si, That sure clarifies a lot. . . and reminds me, I have a few guns that need cleaning.
Posted by Rick Sacks (Member # 379) on :
this sushi shure is good !
Posted by Ricky Jackson (Member # 5082) on :
Man it's good to see you back pard. I guess that pretty well explains everything and how we got to where we are. Prosit!
Posted by Randy Campbell (Member # 2675) on :
Posted by William Holohan (Member # 2514) on :
Si, There is something amiss here. You are the one on the mend....but you are making ME feel better...
Posted by William Holohan (Member # 2514) on :
Just another thought. If there was a Miss here, I would Feel even better.
Posted by Sheila Ferrell (Member # 3741) on :
Si . . . . Posted by Karen Sartain (Member # 241) on :
HOW TO BE A GOOD REPUBLICAN
1. You have to believe that the nation's current 8-year prosperity was due to the work of Ronald Reagan and George Bush, but yesterday's gasoline prices are all Clinton's fault.
2. You have to believe that those privileged from birth achieve success all on their own.
3. You have to be against all government programs, but expect Social Security checks on time.
4. You have to believe that AIDS victims deserve their disease, but smokers with lung cancer and overweight individuals with heart disease don't deserve theirs.
5. You have to appreciate the power rush that comes with sporting a gun.
6. You have to believe everything Rush Limbaugh says.
7. You have to believe that the agricultural, restaurant, housing and hotel industries can survive without immigrant labor.
8. You have to believe God hates homosexuality, but loves the death penalty.
9. You have to believe society is color-blind and growing up black in America doesn't diminish your opportunities, but you still won't vote for Alan Keyes.
10. You have to believe that pollution is OK as long as it makes a profit.
11. You have to believe in prayer in schools, as long as you don't pray to Allah or Buddha.
12. You have to believe Newt Gingrich and Henry Hyde were really faithful husbands.
13. You have to believe speaking a few Spanish phrases makes you instantly popular in the barrio.
14. You have to believe that only your own teenagers are still virgins.
15. You have to be against government interference in business, until your oil company, corporation or Savings and Loan is about to go broke and you beg for a government bail out.
16. You love Jesus and Jesus loves you and, by the way, Jesus shares your hatred for AIDS victims, homosexuals, and President Clinton.
17. You have to believe government has nothing to do with providing police protection, national defense, and building roads.
18. You have to believe a poor, minority student with a disciplinary history and failing grades will be admitted into an elite private school with a $1,000 voucher.
Hmmmm...maybe it's not a joke Posted by Ray Rheaume (Member # 3794) on :
I believe I'll have another beer.
Rapid
Posted by Sheila Ferrell (Member # 3741) on :
Nah Karen. . . .they're totally jokes...
...and hardly even funny since real humor is based on a silly slant of the truth and the only one based on any truth is number 1.
...AN' we're off~!
But wait...I hear guitar riffs in my head . . .
(Before this thing gets obliterated, what's a really good rock song to get this topic kicked into gear . . . .WAIT...but it HAS to be Nugent!
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