Happy St. Patty's! Hope you have a great day and giggle at least twice today!
One day an Irishman who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship." And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat and even a raft. Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited, black-clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde . The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman. With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wetsuit, and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the man! , "that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!" "And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish whiskey?" asked the blonde. Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years." Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve unzips a pocket there and removes a flask and hands it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink. "Tis nectar of the gods!" stated the Irishman. "'Tis truly fantastic!!!" At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?" With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Sweet Jesus! Don 't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!"
[ March 17, 2005, 02:31 PM: Message edited by: Jane Diaz ]
Posted by Ryan Ursta (Member # 1738) on :
HA HA HA GOOD ONE!!!
Posted by Nevman (Member # 332) on :
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, he started to leave.
"S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?"
"Nothing," he replied, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."
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Mick and Paddy were walking home after a night on the beer when a severed head rolled along the ground. Mick picked it up to his face and said to Paddy "Jez, that look like Sean" to which Paddy replied "No Sean was taller than that"
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The Doctor was puzzled "I'm very sorry but I can't diagnose your trouble, Mahoney. I think it must be drink."
"Don't worry about it Dr. Kelley, I'll come back when you're sober."
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Mike lay dying on his bed when his wife Brigid came in to him and asked if there was anything he wanted.
Mike said "Brigid, what is that delicious smell coming from the kitchen?"
Brigid replied "Oh Mike that is a ham I am baking ."
Mike thought, and said "Brigid, as my dying wish I would love to have some of that ham you're cooking."
Then Brigid said "Oh Mike, I'm saving that for the wake !!"
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Why did God invent whiskey?
So the Irish would never rule the world.
Posted by Del Badry (Member # 114) on :
What do you call an irishman on your deck with no arms or legs....
PATTY O'fURNTIURE....
Posted by Scott Telfer (Member # 3949) on :
Paddy was digging in his Back Garden when his neighbour Murphy appeared and asked him what he was doing "I'm burying my dog" says Paddy "But why have you dug two holes"says Murphy and Paddy says, "Because the First one wasnt deep enough"
Boom Boom,..
Posted by Catharine C. Kennedy (Member # 4459) on :
Did you hear about the Irish magician? He walked down the street and turned into a bar!
Posted by Scott Telfer (Member # 3949) on :
Or ...
A Guy was driving beside a Field in Ireland when he skidded on mud and ran into a Ditch. The Farmer turned up with his horse Benny and told the Driver if you give me 50.00 pounds I'll get Benny to drag your car out of the ditch. Thats a deal says the driver. The farmer ties Benny up to the Car and then starts shouting. Dobbin ...Pull ...pull. Benny doesnt move an inch then the Farmer shouts.. Trigger... Pull... Pull. Benny still doesnt move.. the farmer shouts again Fred ... Pull..Pull.. and Benny doesnt bat an eyelid.. finally the farmer shouts Benny ...Pull ..Pull and then Benny starts pulling and pulling until he gets the car out of the Ditch.. The Driver is delighted and says thanks a lot, but why on earth did you shout out the wrong name three times. The Farmer says ..ah well you see old Benny is Blind and he wouldnt budge an inch if he thought he was the only one Pulling.
Posted by Doug Allan (Member # 2247) on :
I got a good joke! - - - - - - - ... an Irishman walks out of a bar... - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Posted by Jim Upchurch (Member # 209) on :
IRISH CONFESSION
Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman." The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And, who was the woman you were with?"
"I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Liz Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, but I can't name her."
"Was it Cathy Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy!!, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church mass for three months. Be off with you now."
Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Three month's vacation and five good leads!"
Posted by Sheila Ferrell (Member # 3741) on :
Posted by Rich Stebbing (Member # 368) on :
Subject: : Holy Story
A young Catholic man goes to confession and says, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month."
The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's."
Soon after, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months."
This time the priest questions, "Who is Nookie Green?"
"A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies.
"Very well," sighs the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's."
At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepares to deliver his sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop dead gorgeous woman enters the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down right in front of the Priest! Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.
The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in the matching green shoes and dress sits with her legs slightly spread apart. The priest turns to the altar boy and whispers, "Is that Nookie Green?"
The bug-eyed altar boy can't believe his ears but replies, "No, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes!"
Posted by Jane Diaz (Member # 595) on :
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening". "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk" "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman went into a pub and each ordered a beer. The barkeep poured them each a glass and set them up. Just as the Englishman was about to take a drink a fly landed on the edge ofm his glass. The Englishman was properly disgusted and demanded another glass of beer. The fly then landed on the Scotsmans glass. The Scotsman saw the fly, shooed it away and downed the beer saying, "ah a little fly won't hurt ya". The fly next landed on the Irishman's glass. The Irishman grabbed the fly by his wings, held him over the glass and demanded, "Spit every bit of it back ya thieving bas***d".
Two Irishmen are sitting in a small town bar, where Mick bragged to Sean: "You know, I had me every woman in this town, except of course, me mother and me sister." "Well," Sean replied, "between you and me, we got 'em all."
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning Mass, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?" She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?" She says, "That he did, Father..." The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?" She says, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that damn gun..."
May you always have... A sunbeam to warm you, Good luck to charm you, And a sheltering angel so nothing can harm you. Laughter to cheer you, Faithful friends near you, And whenever you pray... Heaven to hear you.
Posted by Si Allen (Member # 420) on :
Since it's past St. Patty's day, let's try this one:
Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing standing up.
Finklestien looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his wife?"
They cut the cards. Goldberg picks the two of clubs and has to carry the news.
They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me."
Goldberg goes over to the Meyerwitz apartment and knocks on the door. The wife answers thru the door and asks what he wants?
Goldberg declares: "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home."
"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.
"I'll go tell him." says Goldberg.
Posted by Jane Diaz (Member # 595) on :
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave. "S'cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, "what was that all about?" "Nothin', said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"
An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick. "No" replied the Irishman "I've lost all me luggage!" "How'd that happen?" "The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.
Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.. "Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87." "That's nothing," says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died!" Just then, Seamus yells out, "Good God here's a fella that got to be 145!" "What was his name?" asks Paddy. Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."
Posted by mike meyer (Member # 542) on :
where does an Irishman go on vacation......a different bar.
Posted by Leonard Sappington (Member # 4562) on :
Since it was Saint Patty's Day, 2 Irishmen are deciding were to take drink. Patrick tell's William that they should got to Oconnells Bar, "Last year the bartender is was giving them out 2 for 1" he stated. William replied, "No, we should go to O'Learys' last year it was all you can drink for free and the bartender got you laid" Patrick replied "Oh My! Really?" And William Replied "that's what my Sister told me"........
Posted by Ray Rheaume (Member # 3794) on :
Irish 7 course dinner..... . . . . . . . . . Six pack of Guiness and a potato.
Rapid
Posted by Frank Magoo (Member # 3950) on :
A sick tourist in strange city asks Irish cop the fastest way to the hospital. Cop points out Irish bar and tells him,"go into Chanuceys' and yell,"---- the Irish".
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