During the past few years, Mike (hubby) and I have had many difficulties in our marriage. Alot of it stemmed from illnesses on his behalf and his lack of coping methods.
It came to light about a week ago that Mike decided it was time. I was unprepared for the announcement as I thought his health was hugely improved, he finally landed a wonderful job he loves, I started decorating again because I felt great... you get the picture.
We are in the middle of a separation. I knew it would happen sooner or later but I was abit unprepared for the sooner. I am desperately trying to save the farm if I can via an investor or ? If I can't, at least I tried.
My goal is to stay within the same area we live. Cody's school absolutely is tops and I love the quiet natural surroundings.
No matter where we end up, we will be ok. I just felt it was time to get use to saying it rather than dreading it. And so you hear it from me first.
Thanks for your support in just being here. It keeps me highly entertained which really helps right now. Posted by Bruce Bowers (Member # 892) on :
Donna, all I can offer is prayer and unsolicited advice. I'll stick with prayer on both your's, Cody's, and Mike's behalf.
I have been through a divorce of my own and can only imagine what is going through your mind right now. Be strong for your son.
Hey, Dana and I are here for you. Feel free to call.
Posted by Philip Steffen (Member # 2235) on :
I wish you well Donna.
Posted by Dan Sawatzky (Member # 88) on :
Sorry to hear of the news Donna! Those things are always tough!
If you need a break, come on out to the ranch... that'll distract you and Cody for sure!
-grampa dan
Posted by Barry Branscum (Member # 445) on :
Bless your heart lady. The guys a loser in a big way just based on looks alone. (Always thought your were a very beautiful lady, and I mean that respectfully.)
So sorry for where you are, and our hopes are definitely with you.
Just know that, for what it's worth I know there is a whole crew of folks here pulling for you!
Keep your head up. You're gonna make it.
Posted by Janette Balogh (Member # 192) on :
Donna, I'm here for you too. Email me if you ever want to talk, and I'll be happy to call you with a listening ear.
I know how scary your situation is right now, but you and Cody are going to be fine.
Nettie
Posted by Peter Schuttinga (Member # 2821) on :
You are a talented and classy lady, and a great mother to boot. Look at this change in your life as an oppertunity to re-focus your direction, both personnal and career/business wise. Feel free to lean on us, Letterville is a wonderfull community. Take Dan up on his offer, he'll definitely keep you distracted from your problems...
A good friend of mine, a big burley roofer type, once said "I quit drugs. I quit drinking. I quit smoking. Then I discovered why I started all those things to begin with, so I quit being married. My only regret is the order I choose to quit things in."
Posted by Steve Eisenreich (Member # 1444) on :
Well good luck, just keep positive and try to get through being depressed it is the worst part. Just an idea maybe if you have some of your farm paid off instead of selling to split your assets have it apraised and maybe keep your husbands half instead of him paying child support right away. One other thing in this day and age more and more people are getting divorced it will be best for both of you and your child if you get past the blaming and fighting and be friends. People mirror behaviour even without trying if he is in a bad mood it causes you to be in a bad mood and that is what gets reflected back try not to be a mirror and you will see that it will prevent a lot of bad fights. Anyways that's my 2 cents worth of advise.
Posted by Tony McDonald (Member # 1158) on :
So sorry for you Donna...it's not easy.
My wife is great and I wouldn't want to be without her, but she's my third.
It gets better, just hang in there.
Posted by Duncan Wilkie (Member # 132) on :
I don't know what to say....lean on family and friends for sure. Don't be afraid to unburden your heart here. Laurie and I are here for you too. Bless you and Cody, I want to meet that boy some day. Posted by Mark Perkins (Member # 296) on :
Hang in there Donna, I was blindsided myself five years ago....it's hard to start over but if I can do it anybody can.
Posted by Sheila Ferrell (Member # 3741) on :
Donna, I can totally identify with that 'transistion' . . .
It was always helpful to me to take notice of all the positive things that can occur from such a circumstance . . .
It's also helpful to weigh the good and the bad...the good things can outweigh them by far:
No more physical contact . . .VS . . .no more physical contact
No more holding hands . . .VS . . .no more 'hand to hand'
No more yelling, screaming, complaining, griping, nagging, accusing, . . .VS
. . .serenity
PS: Be sure to exploit the 'single working mother' thing ...lots of fringes & help available. . .we ain't sqeezed all the juice out of that orange yet! (lol)
LOL . . I'm just kiddin' about all this. . . . .
kind'a . . . .
But I hope I made you laugh . . .
In all actuality, who nows, after a while of this separation time, while both of you re-assess life(small word covering huge dynamics) you might discover that your two people better together than two people apart. . .
[ March 09, 2005, 07:26 PM: Message edited by: Sheila Ferrell ]
Posted by Mike O'Neill (Member # 470) on :
I'm sorry to hear that Donna, I've been blessed with a long marriage, but it does take two to make that work.
Keep your chin up, keep being you for Cody.
Posted by Bob Rochon (Member # 30) on :
Donna,
My heart goes out to you! I will do as Bruce and keep you in my prayers.
Posted by Jon Aston (Member # 1725) on :
I can't add anything that hasn't already been said above, Donna...but I did want to lend my support, for whatever it is worth.
Posted by Suelynn Sedor (Member # 442) on :
I'm really sorry to hear that Donna, and I also hope Mike finds what he is looking for.
You seem like a wonderful Mother, so I'm sure the two of you will work together to make this as easy for Cody as you can.
You can vent to me on the bad days too, if you like.
Suelynn
Posted by Jillbeans (Member # 1912) on :
Having been through two divorces involving three small children, I can tell you that it is imperative to make yourself happy, and take care of your child. Peace of mind is priceless, even if it comes by ending a struggling relationship. Try not to bad-talk your hubby to Cody. Try to remain positive. At least you have a ton of people here who care about you. Good Luck in your endeavors, Donna. Love....Jill
Posted by Dave Grundy (Member # 103) on :
Donna..I am very sad to hear this news.
We, like several others, have been through a divorce. It isn't easy and especially so for a child. But we got through it and I know you will.
If you need someone to talk to just call, or if you want e-mail. Shirl and I are more than willing to return your call and hopefully offer any advice or comfort we can.
Keep your head up Donna, life DOES go on.
Posted by Del Badry (Member # 114) on :
Sad to hear that Donna.....
Posted by Judy Pate (Member # 237) on :
Donna, Sorry to hear this news,Donna. Keep your head up..we'll be here for you. Judy
Posted by Joey Madden (Member # 1192) on :
Donna, always remain positive Posted by Doug Allan (Member # 2247) on :
Donna, You started your post with a sad face & ended with a smile! I sense that while blindsided a little, regarding the timing,... you seem to have known this day was coming. I hear you worried about saving the farm & keeping that lifestyle & familiarity for cody & yourself.
Since I don't hear you asking for advice, I will not offer any. I have also been through a divorce with a young child as so many others have, & when you need it... there will be plenty of valuable lessons you can benefit from through those who may have shared similar experiences.
I sense that you are already pretty strong in your self right now, & not halfway as fragile as many men or women might be when something like this is a complete surprise, or if a person doesn't have a career to remain constant in their lives.
Thanks for getting it out in the open so you are that much more resolved in your own acceptance now that all those "many more doors will open" Posted by Amy Brown (Member # 1963) on :
Ditto to what most everyone else said. If you do end up leaving the area move down here and we'll start the Mommy Sign Co. or something together.
Hang in there and call or email whenever! Posted by Joe Rees (Member # 211) on :
I'll never understand a man or woman wanting out of a marriage that could be salvaged, particularly when there's a child involved. Sadly, it sounds like Mike has decided for all three of you that it can't. I've been through that and it feels so unfair and helpless, it SUCKS. It took me four years to realize the problems were so deep that perhaps my marriage would have ultimately failed anyway, but I sure would have appreciated having a chance to try, and a voice in the final decision. It's a sad way to go.
Posted by Artisan Signs (Member # 3146) on :
Donna, so sorry to hear the news.
Keep the faith, and keep your spirits up.
You will survive this, and somehow things will seem to work out.
Try to keep in mind all of the things you are blessed with.
Good luck, Bob
Posted by Donna in BC (Member # 130) on :
BTW, I invite any advice. Generally one doesn't even need to ask for it to get it here, so fire away! Learning is a good thing. I'm pretty open minded.
I'm not looking to save the marriage btw. We are going to move on. We've been down this direction many times over the years through councelling etc. When one continues to be unhappy regardless, it really puts a dent in the whole family unit thing. I know in my heart it needs to go this way but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with.
Give your spouses and kids an extra hug tonite, just because. Thanks again for the kind words of support.
Posted by Doug Allan (Member # 2247) on :
well, on the advice topic, I would encourage Mike to continue to be involved in Cody's life for Cody's sake. I don't know what either of you have in mind for that, but it would be best for the boy IMO.
I was doing joint custody for over 10 years. It's not always easy, but now I no longer have to deal with my ex, & I will admit it was difficult having to deal with her (& the feeling was mutual to say the least) but my relationship with my daughter is excellent & I think she has benefitted from having me in her life in addition to her mom, who was an excellent mom.
The quality of that connection with my child today (at 25) was well worth the trouble in having to deal with her mom over the years.
Regardless of weather that is what Mike wants today, or your feelings about that, I would just say to keep that door open even if he doesn't want to be involved right now. And to say again what was said above, even though it's obvious, about keeping the more tense parts of this transition as far from Cody's sight as possible.
If I could change one thing about my first marriage, it would be to have gone our seperate ways sooner, so that the erosion of any remaining potential for civil friendship had not been permanently spoiled as it was. This fact was what made the joint custody so much more difficult to arrange & implement.
Posted by Steve Shortreed (Member # 436) on :
Hi Donna sorry to hear about you and Mike.
Take Grampa Dan up on the invite and head out to the ranch, buy yourself some Chocolate and enjoy
If there is anything we can do just let us know.
Posted by Susan Banasky (Member # 1164) on :
Donna, It is always sad when any relationship ends. But there is no sense going through this wonderfu world unhappy. You are a very positive person. With your great attitude, you will make things work for you and Cody. I wish you every happiness that I know will come to you soon. I'm here anytime... All the best.
Posted by Donna in BC (Member # 130) on :
I big time agree Doug. I've been reading divorce advice (oh so fun) and it suggested to actually enforce visitations even if the spouse needs to be 'reminded'. It's so important for the child to have a relationship with both parents, unless it's an unsafe situation of course.
So much to learn... I'm working on it!
Posted by George Perkins (Member # 156) on :
I'm so sorry to hear this Donna. Having been through a few of these myself, I can't ad much to what has been said already. Jill's comments pretty well echo how I feel. IT WILL get better
In the meantime, my only advice is get a GOOD lawyer, lookout for yourself and Cody and whatever you do, trust ONLY in yourself! I know that sounds harsh, maybe cruel, but divorce can get really nasty without a moments notice. Loved ones have a way of really suprising you. Expect the worse out of your spouse and prepare for it. Take it from somebody who got bit cause they trusted somebody.
Posted by Barry Branscum (Member # 445) on :
My wife and I are thankfully happily married, still newlyweds at the end of our twelfth year together, so I don't have personal experience with what you are dealing with, but I have a lot of second hand experience, and I have worked with and observed a lot of kiddos in the situation yours will shortly be in, and there are two main emotions that most often surface; GUILT, ANGER or both.
Both are nasty, so watch out for them. I have seen children, (my wife was one of these) come from a divorce scenario and grow up, thinking it rational to believe that they are somehow to blame, and could've, should've fixed things for mom and dad. That's crazy, but my wife struggled with that till she was nearly thirty.
One of my boys has a little girl that bothers him a lot at school. She doesn't like anybody, or so it seems. She's the product of a particularly nasty divorce. I know both parents. Dad's a tough guy state patrolman, and mom(I went to school with her) is a snippy, self-absorbed female dog. Daughter, beautiful girl BTW, is left a lot to fend for herself emotionally.
She takes her anger at mom and dad out on any and everybody else. I know for a fact that this is giving her a lot of trouble at school, not just with my boy, either.
Good luck, I hope you guys can each keep the kids in perspective. I Know a lot of times us guys especially are bad to make the children into either pawns to be used vindictively, or into nuisances to be given only cursory attention. Hope that doesn't happen here.
Men can suck that way. (Some women too.)
Posted by Steve Purcell (Member # 1140) on :
I raised my daughter from adolescence. And besides having to learn a lot of stuff that I never really wanted to know much about, a big challenge for me was not feeding into the resentment & confusion that she felt regarding her mom.
I tried to be honest, but positive, and I made sure that she kept some semblance of contact, even though she hasn't seen her mother in about four years.
It's been a tad awkward at times (picture one dopey looking dad in a room full of moms at cheerleader booster meetings ) as well as taking her to her first "girl doctor" appointments and such. But we got through it ok.
Hillary is in college now. And she's a respected youth leader in Venturing (a coed, Scouting program).
Despite all of the ups and downs, I wouldn't trade places with my ex for all the world.
Didn't mean to bore you with my own story, just wanted to show that things have a way of working out for the best. Especially if you tend to lean towards the positive, which you seem to do naturally.
Lean on your friends a bit. That's what they're for.
You and your boy will do ok. Best of luck.
Posted by old paint (Member # 549) on :
donna, look at some books by JOHN BRADSHAW...lot about right/wrong relationships, pain from bein in bad relationship, pain of gettin out of one. joy of finding out who and what you really need... i been 3 times removed....and have been with hennie 22 years....so i wasnt as bad as the other 3 made me out to be.....hehehehehe but ive learned a lot of whys....thats the most eating question....in seperations.....dont dwell there.
[ March 10, 2005, 02:00 AM: Message edited by: old paint ]
Posted by FranCisco Vargas (Member # 145) on :
Donna, it's what you call 'a tough time in life' sorry to hear about that. Later on you will mark it down as a chapter in your life. No it's not easy, but you seem like a strong woman. As you know only the strong survive!
Posted by Sonny Franks (Member # 588) on :
I can't offer any advice, but I can assure you there is a lot of love and understanding here for you. Thanks for sharing a tough time in your life: hopefully, we can help make it better.
Posted by Jon Butterworth (Member # 227) on :
I've knwon you for years here Donna. You are one of my special friends, even if we have never yet met in "real-life". Or have we? Maybe you were the check-out girl in the Mission supermarket when I lived in Abbortsford back in '75?
Like OP I'mm third time lucky. Sue and I have been together 14 years. First marriage split up after we decided we were too young not to go our own ways. Cheryl is still a very good friend and actually came an stayed here with us in Australia last year! Balancing spouse and ex-spouse was sotta a new experience to say the least. But all turned out kewl.
2nd marriage and the resulting son that I love dearly broke up after 5 years when I found she was looking for greener pastures. Ever check the discard letters in the trash can?
Anyway it was messy. Left me cold with 1/2 of what I owned, including documentation of all my company's transactions while we were together, plus a credit card bill you wouldn't believe and a 4 year old son. Raised him until 8 with $50 a week alimony from her. Then she remarries and wants him back! Mother rules!!!! Lawyer said after $5000 worth of fight,you going to win but how much can you afford?
Now he's 21 next month. Super nice kid. Love of my life when he phones every Sunday. He's in the Army and loving it. She's not to bad now either. Time has mellowed out the anger. Going to be interesting at his 21st Birthday Party soon!
Life goes on Donna. I know you will find somebody else to fill the gap. Don't rush. Settle down and work things out. It is possible to be a single-parent and survive and enjoy life!
Corey is yours! Hang onto him. Kid's need at least one "whole" parent in life. Not two halves!!!
Property-wise ... split it down the middle as easy as possible. Courts are money and time consuming. Hang on to the farm if you can, cause that will give you and Corey stability.
Promise I will "visit" one day
Love Jon
Posted by Alphonse Dente (Member # 4993) on :
Donna,
Ditto to what most of these other folks have said. I admire you for having the courage, and the faith in your friends here, to share. When my second marriage failed recently(and I've determined it didn't really fail, rather, I failed it), I got through it with the help of the "Three F's", Family, Friends and Faith. I had to come to grips not only with two attempts at a conventional marriage going south, but also with my own relationship preferences. I'm still in learning mode (but then, aren't we all?), but I'm healthier now than I've ever been.
I can tell you first hand, that talking it out, and not keeping any demons locked up in your heart or soul is like getting that first breath of air when you've been underwater too long. I'll keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.
-Al
[ March 10, 2005, 06:59 AM: Message edited by: Alphonse Dente ]
Posted by Neil D. Butler (Member # 661) on :
Well Donna, I'm really sorry to hear that this Morning, I Have 3 sisters that went through a divorce, with children, and it all came out just fine. Hang in there, things will get better and easier over time.
Posted by KARYN BUSH (Member # 1948) on :
sorry to hear of your situation...i'm sure its very difficult to go through and having to possibly move. you are a great mom from what i can see and that's a giant plus for cody. there's bigger and better things ahead for you! the universe will take you where you're suppose to go. take care of yourself...try to eat healthy and get plenty of sleep...and if you can get a prescription for adivan do it....it takes the edge off when you feel overwhelmed...but hey i'm a prescription drug queen so only do what feels right for you. fine chocolate sometimes can have the same effect btw.
[ March 10, 2005, 07:49 AM: Message edited by: KARYN BUSH ]
Posted by Jillbeans (Member # 1912) on :
....you might also want to look into Melody Beattie's books. They helped me immensely. love....jill
Posted by Myra Grozinger (Member # 327) on :
Donna, I am thinking about you.
Even though this is a terribly hard time, with the decision behind you the worst pain is also over.
Use your friends to help you stay strong, especially lean on those that have been through it.
Make as little change in Cody's life as possible in any other direction, so he doesn't have any further disruption.
I am so sorry. It is the end of an era, but the beginning of something better.
I was never as lonely as I was in my marriage, and while it was hard to end it, it saved my life to do so.
If co-dependence with hubby's problems is an issue, nobody's books are better than Melody Beatty. Two specific books were my bibles during my separation and divorce: The Language of Feelings by David Viscott, and Creative Agression, learing about how "nice" guys wreck lives.
I would like you to go back and re-read George Perkins advice, and imagine me underlining every word.
I'm here, call me if you need to get tough, or if you need to cry.
Posted by Tony Vickio (Member # 2265) on :
Hi Donna, no one can comprehend the "pain" of a divorce until they experience it themselves. I am in the group of experiencing it, a long time ago. All I can say is when I look back 21 years later, it was like I was traveling down this road (a road of life), and I suddenly took a turn, on to a new road. You cautiously follow this new road and everything changes. If this new road doesn't suit you, you can always take the next turn. Some people stay on the same road their whole life, others navigate it like Mario Andretti, turning everywhere! I don't know if this rambling makes any sense, haven't had coffee yet. One more thing in your favor! You have a lot of friends here!
[ March 10, 2005, 08:42 AM: Message edited by: Tony Vickio ]
Posted by Michael Latham (Member # 4477) on :
Donna, it is always sad when a couple splits for whatever the reason. I too went through a split a few years ago. After 18 years together I asked my lady what we were doing, she still didn't want to get married even though that is why I quit making Movies and doing cruise ships. I knew the end was close. When she said I don't know, I said after 18yrs and you don't know, I'm out of here. I never looked back and have never been happier. The first 6 months were the hardest but it just got easier after that. Sometimes a break like this enlightens your future. Everything will become clear soon enough. We are all here for you. I realized no-one has the answers, only advice and thoughts. But advice and thoughts from people that have been though what you are starting to experience can help clear the way and clear your mind. Remember, sometimes it is not anyone's fault, it just happens.
Posted by Randy Campbell (Member # 2675) on :
You will do fine Donna. remember who loves ya baby.
Posted by Sheila Ferrell (Member # 3741) on :
Donna, Some serious thoughts . . .
Careful with the 'enforcing/ reminding visitation' thing. (I know every couple's dynamics are different, but just some ideas)
Yes, the child needs visitation with the father
Yes, the child needs to have as much contact with the non-custodial parent as possible . . .(I've even been willing for this to happen regardeless of financial help from them . . .)
But, not at the risk of that child's emotional well-being and unreasonable demands on your schedule....a lot of problems can occur from trying to 'make' someone do their duty.
With my first husband, I would go out of my way to arrange-remind-etc. for him to spend time with our daughter . . .since he did not want the visitation in his (child-unfreindly) home, I would often 'give him our house' for the visitation and go somewhere else . . . More often than not, he would either not show up at all, or cut the visit way short of the time we had planned and scheduled.
He would never be late...if he was coming. If it was 10-15 minutes after the time he was supposed to be there, we got to where we knew he was'nt coming. It was heart breaking to see her staring out the window wondering if he was going to show up. Then he would be unreachable for up to 2 or 3 months until he finally contacted me again to see her . . .
I finally laid the law: I refused to allow him, or any of his family to tell her when he would visit again. He had to tell me when it would be, and we would be there but she just did'nt know. I had to make it a surprise if Daddy showed up rather than allow the huge emotional devastation if he did'nt.
The harder questions are those from the child..."When is he coming to visit" "Why did he forget my birthday - Christmas" Almost impossible to answer without at least tinge of total hate for that person, and not let it show. Simple answers for little ones: 'He's having a hard time and is very busy...' 'I'm not sure about where he is, but look what you and I are going to do!!'
The tendency is to over-compensate for the missing parent and their inadequacies, but try to just do what you would have normally done if the spouse would have been there . . .a kid does'nt need more material things or activities to substitute for the missing parent, or less discipline . . .just a little more emotional attention, even harder to give because you may be needing the emotional attention too . . .just gotta suck-it up, ya know?
Her father deserted us several times for 3 month periods, the last time when she was 5 . . .during times when his location was known and he was actually living somewhere, the erratic visitaion would happen.
Now at 23, my oldest daughter still mentions the fact that her dad only gave her about 2 birthday presents her whole life, and Christmas gifts mabey 3 or 4....or even SAID Happy Birthday or Merry Christmas. They communicate and talk, but he seldom shows personal interest in her and her husband but displaces himself through his news & writing interests...he's basically, literaly gone 'crazy', is often homeless, now living in his father's garage.
There's never been a whole lot I could do about it, except this one very important thing: Not 'assume' responsibilties for HIS failures and just try to be the best mom I can.
One thing I did that I think might have been helpful to both she and I, when she was older and we had these 'heart to hearts' about life, was to say to her: "I'm sorry that I chose the wrong person to be a husband and a father and now you and I both have suffered the reprocussions of that lousy mistake."
Then I assininely did it again... and am going through it all over again with my 10 year old, but only skipped a few hard lessons about dealing with it from the previous experience...it's never any easier...
Although in all fairness, when not in prison, her Daddy pays child support and their visits though infrequent, are quality & quantity. . . but he almost entirely erases them with these 1 year prison stints . . .where he is again now, possibley 'til December.
~Other advice (hard lessons learned):
Don't introduce your child to every guy you date, or even any guy, until you date that guy enough to know he's the one worthy of a relationship with your child. Part of this I learned by watchin' freinds and also by my own stupidity, but every guy you 'get attatched to', that kid will too and then *poof*... those break-ups are instantaneous and usually progressively easier for you, but are pretty tuff on kids.
Other no-no: Hanging on in a bad second relationship 'hoping' it will get better, ashamed of own repeat mistake-determined to 'make THIS one work'...
Learned fact: It's just as or even more devastating living in hell with a new devil.
New philosophy: There is something MUCH worse than being alone...that is being with the wrong person.
Sorry so long, Donna . . .guess I should just write a book about what NOT to do, since it's obvious I don't know what TO do..lol Posted by Rick Beisiegel (Member # 3723) on :
Donna
From another angle:
Many couples who love each other are able to repair the relationship. Only you know what you can endure, but, I have many friends who have pulled it together, and even reconciled! That takes alot of love and courage.
All I am saying is that anything worth having is worth working for. Don't give up the ship yet
In the mean time, hang in there! Posted by Catharine C. Kennedy (Member # 4459) on :
Thank you for putting this out- a positive attitude can work wonders, esp. when life gets SO much calmer afterward. Been there, too (and wondered later why I waited so long) love& prayer for you all- Cat
Posted by Bobbie Rochow (Member # 3341) on :
I'm with Rick, Donna. Don't give up the ship yet! Sometimes the time away from the person helps their eyes to open.
And Jill said a while back, about speaking well of his father to him. YES!!! Please do that. I noticed that you did not bad mouth him to us on the board, just a hint of where the trouble may lie. I respect you for that.
My children's father is an alcoholic, & after we broke up, he never bought them Christmas presents. Well, once he was well meaning, & started bank accts. for our 2 boys, only to empty them quickly because he needed the money.
Once, during all this, I said to my boys, "Your dad is an #$%hole!" Then I said quietly, "But you know, I am too." I was always careful not to bad mouth him after that. They can see the way he is, & they know he loves them in his own way, & that is good. I want them to love him. I can see he does not want to be the way he is, & he needs help.
I'll keep you in my prayers.
Posted by old paint (Member # 549) on :
DONNA dont take any advice from women from NEW ENGLAND or PA. my 1st wife was from maine, and the other 2 northwestern PA. HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE now i did it huh? HAHAHAHAHAHA LAUGHTER MAKES IT ALL SO MUCH EASIER TO BREATH.....
Posted by Jim Upchurch (Member # 209) on :
Having never been marred I can't give any advice on the divorce deal but agree that a sense of humor will help to get through the tough times. For what it's worth:
MEN - PAY ATTENTION WOMEN - YOU'LL UNDERSTAND PERFECTLY...
1. NAMES
If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.
If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.
2. EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
3. MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
4. BATHROOMS
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
5. ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
6. CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
7. FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
8. SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
9. MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
10. DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
11. NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
12. OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
13. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
Posted by Marty Happy (Member # 302) on :
What can I say that hasn't been said by our family of Letterheads. I've been down this road twice, once with a marriage and subsequently a common law relationship, both short lived. Sometimes I wonder if fanatically creative people like us can ever co-exist in close relationships with non-artisans.
Trust NOTHING when it comes to the custody of a child. In my case a rock solid legal joint custody agreement and property settlement didn't help... once my son's mother got the craziness out of her system 2 years later she came after full custody and more money!
Thankfully a judge saw through the crap and I ended up with full custody on the eve of his entering kindergarten after a couple of years of legal wrangling. He just turned 19 not that long ago, lives on his own and I couldn't be prouder of him. The stress and expense I endured was worth it and is but a faded memory now.
All the best!
Posted by Doug Allan (Member # 2247) on :
...to the comments on "saving it" I defer to your (Donna's) stated decision & applaud it, as I agree with whoever (Myra?) said that is one of the hardest parts.
I don't doubt you have "worked" on it, & given it it's chance. Now you can give yourself a fair chance for happiness. Like the "love butterflies, set them free" thing... you don't need to be overly co-dependent to be eligible for a second chance with a first marriage, if it's meant to be.
Being wishy-washy never helps, so more power to you on your decision (or acceptance of his).
I will respectfully disagree with the theory that one whole parent is better then two halves, unless a single person adopts a child... IMO, an absent parent doesn't leave a whole parent, it leaves one half & a hole & IMO it's a hole the custodial parent will never completely be able to fill. (I get it that some ex's aren't worth having around... but even they still leave a emptyness... just ask a kid who experienced that)
Posted by Myra Grozinger (Member # 327) on :
On the issue of trying to keep it together, I want to say, Donna knows best what might be possible there.
I have seen a genuine long term reconciliation work, after a 2 year separation, and lots of counselling during that time. Once. Which means the exception solidifies the rule. It is not a likely scenario.
I think we might be overwhelming you Donna, you only have to get through today, and get a good lawyer.
The first lawyer I got, after I talked a little while as I sat in his office, interupted me with a hearty: Oh my goodness, what a s*& of a b%$#% !
I got up, and left to get another lawyer. My bethrothed might have been one of those, but he was my own.
8 years later it took 4 lawyers to get my X into court over child support issues, because he had long left the state, had money, and kept daring me to "get" him.
I took a survey of local friends and business aquaintances of who they thought was the best lawyer, and when I walked into the office of the winner I said: "I understand that you are a barracuda and the meanest SOB in the valley. I hope you will take my case."
He was brilliant, and we won.
Posted by Marty Happy (Member # 302) on :
Pay VERY close attention to a lawyers hours and insist right up front for regular and detailed updates. I think they will be less apt to take advantage of you if you declare that you're the boss from the get go.
Did you know that they will invoice for time spend invoicing you? It's amazing how hours add up without any obvious results. And so much of the actual paperwork is done by low paid secretaries and they bill their own full rate for that. Hardly seems fair but when you're in a vulnerable state it's hard to argue that point.
Gosh, when I think about all the hard earned funds I spent on legal fees because of a couple of bad choices in my life, I ?!?!?!
Hope you have an easier time of it!
Posted by jack wills (Member # 521) on :
Visualize your needs with your heart, your spirit will take care of the rest.
CrazyJack
Posted by Ian Stewart-Koster (Member # 3500) on :
I was a child under my parents' divorce, and remember it all (aged 6-7), but I don't have any advice for you, Donna, except to be honest with Cody- that was the one gripe I had with my parents (avoiding the truth).
When one door closes, another opens, although you often don't see it at first. You need to always be an optimist.
All the best!
Posted by Jeff Ogden (Member # 3184) on :
Donna....
Imagine that your life is a like a book, and everything is being recorded for others to read.
What is happening now is just another chapter.
If you leave the book open on the table, reading the same thing over and over, you will go nowhere.
In order to continue your story, you have to TURN THE PAGE.
Posted by Wayne Webb (Member # 1124) on :
Donna, My parents got a divorce when I was in college so I can't relate what impact divorce would have on a young child. But I can attest to the daily fussing and griping and how stressful that is. I guess you would say we had a severely disfunctional family. Still it was a real letdown to come home that weekend and find that mom had left, even though it had been brewing for years. She just couldn't take it anymore. About two years later, after my dad had trusted Jesus as his Savior, they remarried....each other. I could see that dad was different. I still didn't want anything to do with Religion and tried to avoid his talking about it but I could really see a change in him. A couple of years later, my Mom got saved too and, later, myself. My marriage too was already on shakey ground until then. Please don't let this spark a religious debate. I'm just telling my own experience and that you can look at my family, and what has transpired in my life and see that there's a reality to it. I certainly can't brag about any of it. Some things only prayer can change.
Posted by Jane Diaz (Member # 595) on :
Donna, looks like lots of us here on the board have been there, done that. You are getting a bunch of opinions and stories that you cna think about. Bill and I both lived thru divorces and it only made meeting him that much more sweet. What's that old saying about you have to have the rain to get the flowers to grow? We have HAD bad relationships...this is a dream compared to those! Keep your chin up and move on. I think the most important thing I can tell you about dealing with this with your child is HE is first!! Make sure he feels loved by BOTH his parents and that he does not have to choose one over the other to "support or be on their side". NO good can come from that for ANYONE, especially him! Good luck! We will be thinking of you and if you ever want to talk (or just unload!), you know where we all are at! Posted by Lotti Prokott (Member # 2684) on :
Hi Donna,
I am sad to hear that this is happening to you.
Since I can't say that I know what you're going through, I will offer the only advice that I know to be true:
Please learn how to forgive Mike for anything he might have done and help your boy to do the same.
Unvorgiveness can be like a poison in your system, sapping the joy out of your life and even affecting your health. If you want to talk more about this, feel free to e-mail me. I will help to the best of my ability.
I will keep you and your family in my prayers.
Posted by Bobbie Rochow (Member # 3341) on :
OP, you turd! I just now read that post of yours....women from NORTHWESTERN-pennsylvania????
Posted by John Deaton III (Member # 925) on :
Donna, this will be hard on everyone. You, your husband, and Cody, but knowing from reading your posts how great of a mother you are, Cody will be fine. There is absolutely nothing like a mothers love for their child. Its too bad you may not be able to work things out, but it may be best in the long run. Rely on your friends for help and solace, and look forward to a new day.
Posted by Michael Clanton (Member # 2419) on :
My heart goes out to all of you- especially Cody. How is he taking all of this?
My wife has been a teacher for the last 10 years and I have coached over 6, and unfortunately we have seen this all too often. The parents are all wrapped up in the whole scenario and how THEY feel that they forget that the kids are having to grieve over this bizarre loss and change of events, and they just don't know how. Every year there are kids in my wife's class who suddenly start doing poorly in schoolwork, acting out towards other students or even teachers, some even withdraw completely which is a very scary situation. It is always because of the home life.
Please let your teachers know what is going on so they can help them deal with this unfortunate event as best they know how.
I coach a wide range of ages of boys, and the hardest role I have had to come to accept is- I am the only MALE rolemodel in some of these boys lives. This year, my star player, an 11 years old- the only contact that he EVER had with is dad, was at Basketball games. His mom didn't want to be around the dad, so she missed the entire season of watching her son.
Reading some of the other entries, I know I may get blasted, but in my experiences with hundreds of kids- I have NEVER EVER seen a kid (going thru divorce) be as OK as some of the parents THINK they are. Sure, they are resilient as h***, but it is a very painful process. Despite what you tell them, many will still think that it was their fault, that they could have done something to prevent it or end up becoming very cynical about all relationships. Many just want to be reassured that somebody loves them FOREVER, NO MATTER WHAT.
Make sure that Cody has some POSITIVE MALE rolemodels around him- (there are some wackos out there). He will soon be arriving at an age where he needs a positive male influence to learn how to become a (good) man, and will not need you as much. (it's sad, but reality! My wife is having to deal with that with our son.)
Hug him! Love him! and what ever you do, don't ever let him go spend the weekend at Neverland Ranch!
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) as well as taking her to her first "girl doctor" appointments and such. But we got through it ok. ![[Group Hug]](graemlins/grouphug.gif)
remember who loves ya baby.
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