A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls".
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked...
"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
Posted by Karen Wunch (Member # 3577) on :
LOVE the joke. Thanks for not being blond, like I'm not. ;o)
~"kwunch"
Posted by Si Allen (Member # 420) on :
A man recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab test, the Doc said that he was doing "fairly well" for his age. A little concerned about that comment, he couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?" He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine?" "Oh no", he replied. "I've never done either." Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" He said, "No, I heard that all red meat is very unhealthy." "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf / sailing / ballooning / motorcycling / rock climbing?" "No I don't", he said. He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or sexually fool around?" "No", he said. "I have never done any of those things." He looked at him and said, "Then why do you give a s*** if you live to be 80?"
Posted by Jay Nichols (Member # 2842) on :
A lady walks into a drugstore and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide. The pharmacist says, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
"I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes get real big and he says, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license and they'll put both of us in jail!"
The lady reaches into her purse, pulls out a photograph of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife and hands it to him.
The pharmacist looks at the photo for a minute and replies, "Well now, you didnt tell me you had a prescription."
OK, one more, stop me if you've heard it...
HOW COME WHEN YOU MIX WATER AND FLOUR TOGETHER...
You get glue.
THEN YOU ADD EGGS AND SUGAR...
And you get cake.
WHERE DID THE GLUE GO???
Need an answer...?
YOU KNOW DARNED WELL WHERE IT WENT!
It's what makes the cake stick to your butt.
Posted by Bruce Bowers (Member # 892) on :
Follow the instructions below for the genuine thrill that comes with discovering your blues name: From the first list, take the name using the initial of your first name. From the second list, do the same with your middle name. From the third, your surname.
My name would be Muddy Fingers McGee... Heck, at least I am Irish... LOL! Now that's something to sing the blues about... Oh oh, I just heard my Grandma turning over in her grave...
Make sure you tell your friends what their Blues Names are.
Posted by Mike Languein (Member # 319) on :
Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine. A backward poet writes inverse. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death. A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? Reading while sunbathing makes you well red. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.) In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key. Every calendar's days are numbered. A lot of money is tainted - 'taint yours and 'taint mine. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. He had a photographic memory that was never developed. A plateau is a high form of flattery. A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. Acupuncture is a jab well done
Posted by Jon Butterworth (Member # 227) on :
Doing some research in a retirement home:
Question ... what do attribute your longevity of life?
First old man: "I was a doctor and never smoked and I'm 95 next week"
Second old man: "I was a school teacher and never smoked or drank alcohol in my life. I just celebrated my 98th birthday"
Third Old man: "I was a preacher. Didn't smoke, drink and never had sex. 100 this year"
Fourth Old dude: "I'm a signwriter. Smoked, drank and womanised all my life ... might make to 40!"
[ June 17, 2004, 02:39 AM: Message edited by: Jon Butterworth ]
Posted by Ian Stewart-Koster (Member # 3500) on :
well you would barter, Jon! Posted by Steve Shortreed (Member # 436) on :
Thanks Guys. It's 5:30 am here and I'm bushed. But I am going to bed with a smile on my face. Posted by Catharine C. Kennedy (Member # 4459) on :
Two fonts walk into a bar. The bartender yells at them to leave- "We don't serve your type!"
Posted by Jillbeans (Member # 1912) on :
Watching Dr. Phil the other morning. A show about parents with kids in trouble. The first mom is obese. Dr. Phil says, "Ma'am, it's obvious that your obsession with food has transferred itself to your daughter, Candy" To the second parent, Dr. Phil says, "Sir, I can see that you are so addicted to gambling that you have named your daughter Penny!" Dr Phil adressed the third parent, who has a florid red face: "And your alcohol addiction is ruining your daughter, Brandy." At this point, the fourth parent grabs her son by the hand and stalks off the set, saying, "C'mon, Dick! He's a quack. We're outta here!" Love...Jill
Posted by Stephen Faulkner (Member # 2511) on :
Blind Bones Brown how freakin' cool is that!
Posted by Jim Upchurch (Member # 209) on :
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant.
The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.
Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.
"I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't have any"
'But I always buy it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist
"YES", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant"
Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container......... " TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM.
Posted by faye adele welsh (Member # 4164) on :
A polish man was lying on the beach. a guy walked past and all the girls on the beach,got up and followed him. the polish guy sat up and watched,scratching his head.the next day, the same man walked up the beach, and again the women all followed him. the polish man jumped up and caught up to the guy. "i noticed all the women follow you,what's your secret?" "well, i get up early and i go to the open market, i find the biggest sweet potato and shove it down my speedo." so the next day , the polish dude, strolls down the beach. the women take one look and run screaming in the other direction. the polish guy stops and scratches his head. the guy in the speedo catches up to him and says,"down the front, stupid, the front!" Posted by Camille Norvaisas (Member # 501) on :
What's the mating call of a brunette?
"Are all the blondes gone yet?"
Posted by Sara Bogue (Member # 3227) on :
Blind Money McGee - Hey Bruce, are we related??
Posted by Mark Casey (Member # 650) on :
Another pharmacy tale.
A kid walks into the pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for condoms. The pharmacist asks "How many"?. The kid smiles and says "She's a pretty hot date - gimme 12"!
Invited to dinner with the girl's family before the date, the mom commences a supper prayer. Everyone finishes praying except the boy. He keeps praying and praying, causing discomfort among the family. The girl leans over and whispers to the boy "I didn't know you were so religious". The boy leans over to her and whispers "I didn't know your Dad was a pharmacist".
Posted by Sheila Ferrell (Member # 3741) on :
MIKE!!! THAT WAS HILARIOUS!!!
Jill, here's a little variation of your joke . . .
St. Peter is screening entrys at heaven's door and three married couples are in line.
After reviewing some paper work he looks at the husband of the first couple and says, "I'm sorry sir, but you loved money so much you married a woman name Penny so you can not enter in."
They leave as St.Pete reviews the next couple's papers and then tells them, "Sir, I'm sorry but you loved drinking SO much that you married a woman named Sherry so you must leave now."
The third guy looks at his wife and says, "Oh well Fanny, we may as well leave too . . . . ."
Posted by Jackie B (Member # 186) on :
#1 A blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses. The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while covering the right eye. The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which that the eye doctor, in disgust, took a paper lunch bag with a hole to see through, covered up the appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters. As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down her face. "Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get emotional about getting glasses." "I know," agreed the blonde, "But I kind of had my heart set on wire frames."
#2 A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. "How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her. "Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied. "What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?" "No, Silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest." "So then?" asked the doctor. "Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth." "So then?" "Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."
#3 A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing? The First blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first."
"Boney Bones Jenkins"
Posted by John Largent (Member # 4606) on :
Two blind guys walk into a bar . . .
Third one ducks . . .
Posted by Scott Telfer (Member # 3949) on :
The ladies will love this one....
At my Wedding last month, the Best man mentioned how he was pleased to see my Bride was wearing traditional White....It was good to see the Dish washer matched in with the rest of the Kitchen Appliances....
Posted by Deb Fowler (Member # 1039) on :
Saying the Right Thing
Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."
So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Marty asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."
Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!"
A self-induced hangover - $100.00 Broken furniture - $200.00 Breakfast - $10.00 Saying the right thing - Priceless
Posted by Jillbeans (Member # 1912) on :
From an email by my aunt Stella Dorothy (mid-80s)
A busload of Senior citizens were traveling to a casino. Halfway into the trip, a little old lady walked up to the front of the bus and told the driver they had a pervert on the bus. The driver told her he would check it out at the Casino. So she went back to her seat and sat down.
Five minutes later a second little old lady walked to the front of the bus and told the driver they had a pervert on the bus...
Since this was the second complaint in five minutes, he thought he had better check it out. He pulled the bus to the side of the road and walked to the back of the bus. There he found a little baldheaded old man crawling around on his hands and knees. The driver asked, "What the hell are you doing down there?"
The bald headed man looked up and said, "I lost my toupee and I'm trying to find it."
"I thought I had it twice, but mine is parted on the side."
hahahaha...love...jill
Posted by Jane Diaz (Member # 595) on :
Here;s one for the MEN! Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet $20,000 on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude. "With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed..."YES! YES! I WON, I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The two dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know. I thought you were watching." MORAL: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.
Posted by Jim Upchurch (Member # 209) on :
SIGNS AROUND THE WORLD
The Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT.
A London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS.
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
A health food shop: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS.
English sign in a German cafe: MOTHERS, PLEASE WASH YOUR HANS BEFORE EATING.
OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO.
A repair shop: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK).
ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF.
PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS.
At the office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN.
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.
On a church door: THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR. THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAUGHT. (PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.)
Local bureaucrats:
A new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales: THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING. IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED AFTER BEING OPENED. OPEN TOMORROW.
Sign warning of quicksand: QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED. BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL.
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS.
Out and about:
A disco: SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN. EVERYONE WELCOME.
A safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR.
Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR.
Down on the farm:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
BEWARE! I SHOOT EVERY TENTH TRESPASSER AND THE NINTH ONE HAS JUST LEFT
Posted by Janette Balogh (Member # 192) on :
A woman gets in an accident and finds herself clinging to life in a hospital bed, about to undergo surgery the next morning.
During the night, an angel appears at her bedside to inform her that God is not ready for her yet, that she will come thru the operation fine, and will go on to live a very long healthy life.
Elated now that she will be living a good long time, the woman decides she would seize the opportunity to make some changes in her life.
The next morning before the operation, she requests that cosmetic specialists be brought in while she is under, to nip and tuck, and basically revamp her to be a beauty.
The surgery was a success in all respects, and later when the healing process was complete, the bandages came off revealing her as a radiant beauty.
The day of her release came, and while leaving the hospital she was suddenly hit by a car and killed immediately.
Once up in heaven, she meets GOD and asks him why the angel had told her she would be living a long life when that wasn't true. At this God does a double take and answers, "Well I'll be damned, I didn't recognize you".
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Blind Bones Brown ![[Applause]](graemlins/clap.gif)
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